Sooner, I wouldn't put a whole lot of faith in his "word" about the house payment. He's controlling you and your family by holding the money hostage...notice how he said that as long as he doesn't have any problems with you.... What does he expect you to do? It sounds to me like he wants to be able to do whatever he wants and you not interfer. I'm with you...you need something in writing. There's no way that I would continue on this way for a long period of time. You just don't know what might set him off to view things differently.
I wouldn't say another word to him about working it out. He knows that you are there for him. As far as leaving the door ajar...do that, but don't say another word to him. To him, your comments are holding him back and he thinks he wants to move on and he can't do that if he thinks you are still there for him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sooner, When we tell them that we can work it out or that you are leaving the door open for reconciling...they don't want to hear it. Saying things that are directly related to relationship talk tends to hinder them from focusing on themselves. Why? Because they are so busy focusing on what we've said and trying to find ways to discourage us from hoping that they'll return. When you leave them alone, no discussions about the relationship/marriage, the more time they will have to focus on themselves and continue moving through the crisis stages and it also alleviates the added stressors that are put on them. He needs to think that he's convinced you that he's not coming back in order to move on.
I know it's the craziest thing you've ever heard of, but it's the truth of how this crazy monster works. In their minds, they have to convince us, themselves and everyone around them that they aren't coming back, the relationship was wrong, etc. What it actually boils down to is this....in many cases, moving on only takes place in their heards, not their hearts and souls. Others will move on and not return, but will regret what they've done, but never admit it.
You don't have any control over him and what he's doing right now. The only person that you have any control over is yourself. The less you bring up the ow, the better. The more you talk about the ow to him, the more he will defend her and stand by her. That's why it's important to remember...she's only there for the ride and some day, that ride is going to fizzle out.
In the meantime, focus on you and your children. Make sure you are financially stable and watch those bills coming in to make sure they aren't yours!
I would like to suggest that you take a couple of hours and read the postings under the MLC Archives. There are a lot of excellent threads there that will explain a lot of what you are experiencing and hopefully answer many of your questions. BTW, you are not alone in this....we all have been there or are on the same path w/you right now.
Mum is the word on the ow. No more relationship talks for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H has lived with OW since 01/2008. He keeps telling me what great "friends" they are and that we weren't friends. He never says anything about how much he loves her. How can I become his friend if he never comes around or calls?
I have a feeling that H will be one of those that will regret what they've done, but never admit it.
Well, today my divorce is final. In just 2 minutes in court, my 21 yr marriage was over. It hurts so bad. I can't believe that H can throw away 21 yrs of marriage without even giving us a chance.
H and OW are on vacation with S17 and 1 of her kids. I hate that I'm alone today without one of my kids to hug.
H still can't look at me. S17 said it's because he knows he's wrong but he will never admit it.
I told S17 that I still loved his father very much and am still willing to work on things with him and that I wish his dad was being a better example for him. He said 'Yes, he is. He's being a good example of what not to do.' I was very proud of him. But it's sad that a child has that attitude about their father. Your father should be someone you respect and want to be like. I'm glad S17 can see through his dads BS.
I'm very sorry to hear what has transpired today. It doesn't take long for the stroke of a pen to change our lives. Some day, your xh will want to talk to you. He may not ever apologize for what he's done, but he will want to be a friend. I know, it's hard to believe, but they do eventually reach out a bit after 2-5 years and want to be friends. I guess it's their way of appeasing the guilt within themselves.
Your son is your shining star. He lived through the experience and is more of an adult than your xh is.
Please pamper yourself a bit this evening..bubble bath, candles, light music and just take it easy. It was a very emotional day for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry you are alone today. Do take care of yourself and be proud that you have raised a son who understands what it is to be and will himself be a man.
Sooner, I am so sorry you are going thru this, but you are not alone. I am in the same boat as you. I am here if you need to talk. We have alot in common it seems.
Snodderly, how can they move forward with their process if they are "so in love with ow/gf"? This has to slow the process, because they think they are happy.
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I drank a glass of wine from my Lolita Divorce glass and had dinner with my girlfriend.
This is my first weekend in 22 yrs to be single and no kids and I don't know what to do.
My xH said that a few months back that we weren't friends. How can you be friends with someone that you never communicate with?
He said that he and OW are great friends, they laugh, hangout together and have a good time. Well I guess so, he lives with her and sees her all the time. He says what great friends they are but never that he loves her.
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I drank a glass of wine from my Lolita Divorce glass and had dinner with my girlfriend.
This is my first weekend in 22 yrs to be single and no kids and I don't know what to do.
My xH said that a few months back that we weren't friends. How can you be friends with someone that you never communicate with?
He said that he and OW are great friends, they laugh, hangout together and have a good time. Well I guess so, he lives with her and sees her all the time. He says what great friends they are but never that he loves her.
