I see what you are saying. What I currently am doing is trying to let her take the lead. I don't call first and I don't always pick up the phone when she does call. Other than that, I really wouldn't know what to do. I have no desire to date other people. I do try to be the first to end our conversations though.
You are absolutely right about not faking it with the person who knows me best. That said, my current strategy has been to stay busy, exercise, appear like I have a life, be consistent with my changes, be there for my daughter and try to make my times with my ex enjoyable without mentioning the relationship talk.
So far it seems to be working, but my biggest thing is that I get too impatient sometimes. This is something that is going to take a while as I think she is still wondering if my changes are real and permanent. That is the hardest part of all this - is waiting and not knowing what the final outcome.
I think you're doing OK, LNMW. One of the DB Cs told me you have to let go of anger first, then become friends. Then romance, and then comes the hard work of really reconciling.
You are moving towards being friends now.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thanks breton39. I don't know if its because of the holidays or what, but this week has been emotional hard on me as I a missing my ex so much. I feel like I am in limbo because I don't know what is going to happen. I wish I knew what the outcome was going to be, but unfortunately only time will tell. I feel like I am running out of emotional stamina and don't know how much more I can take of this. It is like the idea of my ex not being in my life is eating me up inside.
The only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane I think is my job as I am having to work home and that is keeping my mind busy. Still, I feel like a second class citizen right now when I am around my ex - like I mean nothing to her. I am just so frustrated right now and I know that I need just get a grip and think about the progress I've made so far. It is really bothering me that my ex is living with her best friend. Although I know there is nothing there, I feel like her best friend takes pleasure in knowing that I no longer married to my ex. I know he sees me as threat to him having a house (his credit was really bad that he couldn't have gotten a house without my ex's credit).
I read a book recently that was discussing how a person in my situation needs to have a lot of emotional stamina and patience to see reconciliation through - and that sometimes it is better to start new with another person than to try to repair a broken relationship.
The thing is, I don't want to start new. I want to restore and reconcile my marriage. I just don't know if I am cut out for this is this is beginning to take its toll on me. I guess I just need some encouragement to keep fighting. I know I won't give up, but I feel like doing so so badly right now.
This is just me venting. A letter I wish I could give my ex but know I can't:
-------- My beautiful princess, I love you so much. Right now I don't know how you are feeling or what you think of me. All I know is that I love you. I miss you so badly right now. I wish I was holding you in my arms. I remember the long drives you and I use to take in the middle of the night. It seems like only yesterday you had your head on my shoulder as we were simply looking at the moonlight - knowing that nothing matter but the love we shared. I would do anything to have those moments back - to have you back in my life. My life right now is full of regrets, full of shame, full of sadness for what I did to you and our daughter. I am the worst of all sinners. How can I expect you to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself. I wish I could have been the husband you needed me to be, the father our daughter needed me to be. I screwed up and I sorry. No apologize will ever be good enough. All I know is that that person is now dead. The man I use to be is no more. I am willing to sacrifice all I have, to give to you my uncommon commitment, to do whatever it takes to see you happy. Is it too late? Did I miss the mark so bad that nothing will bring me back to center, back to the target. I so desperately wish I had a second chance to prove to you how much I truly love you. I was a fool for treating you the way I did. I had no understanding of what I had. And now that you are taken from me do I now realize that I had everything that mattered. To love and be loved - that is the key to life - the only key worth dying for. I can only hope that one day your heart will open up and be willing to give us a chance again - to have our worlds collide and to be united in love. You are my everything. I don't know how I am going to make it this coming year without you. This winter seems so cold and isolated. My patience and faith is being tested to the utmost extreme. And yet you waited for me - only that I took too long to come back. So now I will wait for you, not knowing what the outcome will be. Regardless, may your days always be filled with love, joy and peace.
--------- I just can't stop crying right now. I truly am repentant. And yet it seems like forgiveness is not good enough. Restoration is the only thing right now that can make me whole again. I turn 30 this week and it seems like my life has just been wasted. I am broken, I feel like my heart is been smashed to pieces. And what hurts the most, is that my hand did all this. I went to Harvard and have proven to be the stupidest person on this planet. I know this crucible will make me stronger, that this fire is removing the impurities of my life. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Today I went with my ex and daughter to see Bolt at the movies. I then spend the rest of the day with her shopping for inside plants for her loft. Later that evening she called me up and asked me why I put up with her (don't exactly know what she meant by that as she does not give me attitude or anything). I wanted to respond by telling her that it was because I love her - but of course I didn't.
Also, I was wondering if anybody has any tips on her to validate her feelings given this: lately she has been calling me up to tell me that her side/stomach/back is hurting her. I know she is calling me because she wants me to simply listen and show I care - but I don't really know how to respond at times to validate her feelings. I avoid giving her any solutions or play Mr. Fix-It. I normally tell her that I something among the lines of "oh, I'm sorry you are feeling that way or that that bites, etc." Other than that, don't really know what to say to show that I am listening or that I really care that she is in pain. Any suggestions on how to validate her feelings on this?
I just caught up on your sitch. You seem to be doing very well in showing your W unconditional love. I have a few thoughts I would like to share.
Quote:
You are my everything. I don't know how I am going to make it this coming year without you. This winter seems so cold and isolated. My patience and faith is being tested to the utmost extreme. And yet you waited for me - only that I took too long to come back. So now I will wait for you, not knowing what the outcome will be. Regardless, may your days always be filled with love, joy and peace.
When I read the faux letter you wrote to your W it made me wonder if you had too high of an expectation of your W. It has been said that each of us has a God-sized hole in our heart that only He can fill. Your undying love for her is tremendous and admirable, but your W cannot fill that hole. That is not to say that our spouses do not play a significant role in our spiritual growth and maturity....but, their role is unique. You seem to be hearing from God...and responding. Focus on your relationship with God...and I'm betting your relationship with your W will improve
Think of your marriage as a convenant relationship which was recognized and committed to in the presence of our creator by your vows. In this context, your divorce is simply a man-made document. Think of your "ex" (and describe her here) as your wife. I would be careful not to do this in your W's presence as she will certainly take this as pressure.
Your wife is acting like you are married in many, many ways except....you don't live in the same household....she doesn't describe you as a couple....and sexual intimacy is absent. There are many positives I can see....she treats you like her confidante calling you at all hours of the day and night. She wants to share special occasions with you (her 30th). She trusts you with your daughter....even when you missed the appointment she didn't make a big deal of it.
I think she keeps stating that "she will never be your GF or wife again"...because she knows the opposite to be true and she hasn't totally reconciled with the idea. Keep doing more of what works....and less of what doesn't. Keep working on you....for you!!!....and I'm betting your wife will be home "soon" (in God's perfect timing)
Best wishes...and I have added you and your W to my prayer list! Also, we have a group of almost 20 men who are standing for the restoration of their marriages who meet monthly in the NY/NJ/CT/PA area and I will ask them to pray for you as well.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
