What to do now

[mpclay]

My H dropped the bomb end of May, has been out since July. He filed in Aug and we went for the first collaborative law meeting on Sept 19. All is could do was cry at the first meeting. He doesnt talk or call me. There is an OW who has left her family too. We have two teenage sons and she has an adopted two year-old!
I have read DB and I have to admit I dont think Im dong it very well. My H who wouldnt go to counseling agreed to see my counselor so that she " could help me get over him". She is a beliver in solutions based counseling but when I ask her what to do now she says you have done everything and sometimes it doesnt work.
I have mixed feeling abuut how to act with my H. I feel like if Im "NICE" to him than he will think Im OK with what he is doing. I am not mean to him, I just literally cant talk to him. I feel like it is torturing me.

[mpclay]

Sorry I keep pressing the wrong buttons. I didnt mean to end my post.
My counselor has now suggested that WE attend divorce counseling so that I can tell him all the things that I have not been able to tell him, Like he is a coward.He has agreed. We are waiting for the appt.
I do not trust my emotions because they flucuate between, anger, hate and wanting to repair the mess all in the same day.

[mpclay]

#3 Sorry wrong button again!!
I need help. Im a fixer. ANd I cant fix this. I have done everything beside eat ground glass and stand on my head to make this work and he doesnt want anything to do with it.
As a quick recap, he dropped the bomb in May. I had no earthy idea anything was wrong. In hind site I guess there were clues to his distancing, and he swore that the " friendship he had with this OW was really friends. I did question it. We had been down this road before. I really believe in my heart that she is a bandaid and that it wont last. She has done this before. When you do know when it is time to give up? When do I stop torturing myself with the idea that Maybe, just maybe, this next trick might work?
I am getting a life. I really am. It is just hard to function at times. I try to put this out of my mind and press forward and I feel like the business just masks my pain.
I have never really gotten angry at him because I know his pattern. He puts up a wall and locks you out. He is doing that now. NO contact will not make him see the pain, feel the pain or have to reflect on the wrong he is doing.
How can someone who has supposedly loved you for 20 some odd years do such mean hurtful things. I dont get it. Some one help me understand?

[Changed Woman]

Hey, MP....I know how much hurt you are going through. It is so difficult to know when it's time to "give-up". I actually was talking to a DB counselor for a while and I asked her that question. She said "when he's walking down the aisle with another woman". I think that might be a little extreme, but she said she's known relationships that worked out with the most hopeless circumstances.

Anyway, I'm curious...what is Divorce Counseling?? Does it ever end up in a mended marriage or is the sole purpose to get over the other person?

[mpclay]

Hey CW,
I Have not attended yet but I believe as the counselor tells me it is to help me heal and " get over him". She said she has had miracles happen so you never know. I do know that I will get to tell him about my hurt and anger and that he has to listen to it and mirror it back. I cant imagine this ever repairing. He just informed me that he will be moving in to the ranch home she has purchased. He will be a " Kept man" I guess. It makes me ill thinking about it. Where is the man I married that had integrity, honor, morals and values? How can someone give up their family for a horse and land and a woman that has not morals. He seems to think His teenage boys will be just fine with this. I would never make them go to that house and be with them, one because they are not married and it doesnt set a good example to them and two I really doubt they would want to go. They would probably feel very uncomfortable since they knew her.