WAW has been home for 19 weeks now

[fightingirish]

GH,

just got finished with reading your stitch, I saw that saffie responded to you, which sparked my interest. She is extremely insiteful. She has helped me imensly, and so many others.

I cannot add anymore than what she has said. You need to move out. She needs to FEEL what it will be like without you there for her.

good luck

[GH31]

I would be inclined to agree. I had a chat with my sister last night and told her my gut said to mvoe out and go dark.

Here's an SMS that I received from my WW this morning:

If I want a bit of time to myself it's because you hound me all the time. I am feeling quite ill this week and I don't want the stress. It is only yesterday I did something by myself.

Again, it is all about her. She went to the movies by herself and the other times this week she has done things either with work colleagues or for her film stuff. She has said to me in the last week "i don't love anyone at the moment" and "my love life is not a priority right now".

I think the real reason is that it's much less painful for her to sit on the fence than lose either OM or her own husband forever. It's very selfish of her and she is simply thinking that if she ignores the problem long enough it will solve itself.

Incredible

[everhope]

GH

Unfortuneately you know what you have to do.

You've done the right thing of showing her attention and a good time and that you can eliminate your behaviours which she dosen't like.

That seems to have moved in the right direction but she has stalled and is on the fence so the only thig you can do is show her that your life will go without her and show her how much she wants you.

Wish there was an easier option to break the situation but i can't see it

[GH31]

I do know what I have to do.

And I am very, very, very scared. I feel like I would be cutting off a limb (albeit a gangrenous one). My WW also says that us breaking up would be like "losing a part of herself" for her but they're just words.

I think the only things she will possibly be able to understand are hard consequences.

[everhope]

Look - you've got a gangrenous limb that just seems to be sat there causing you grief.

If you cut it off there is a chance it might grow back.

I can't imagine how scary it must be and feel for you. The fact the w say's she would be loosing a part of herself surely indicates that when she actually feels the loss it might cause her to actually fully coomit.

Yeah seems everyone is only able to understand hard consequences.

[GH31]

Hi Everhope,

When I came back to Australia in April she sent me lots of emails. I sent her one email in response during that 4 weeks and on one day we had a brief SMS exchange. About three weeks after I left she called me.

That was it.

She SMSed me saying she was lost without me and wanted the family all together again. Then when she finally arrived she was the venomous, contemptuous, resentful, monstrous, demon-posessed adulteress from Hell. It was unbelieveable.

It would have been easier to stay dark then but I guess in the time that we have had together she has replenished my Love Bank Account somewhat and created expectations.

I wish it was easy, but it isn't - and I just have to accept that.

[everhope]

Gh

I don't know eh ? I dam sure it's not supposed to be this hard. But supposed to be and reality are way different.

My W did the same thing - told me she was leaving then spent 2 month replenishing my love bank before she actually left - couldn't have stuffed me up more.

When you step back from this are you making any progress for yourself or your marriage ?

It really does seem that she is on the fence edging her bets and the more you pull away the more she draws in.

Maybe set yourself a timetable if this doesen't happen by x time then I'm leaving.

Somehow we both have to get some control of our situations - in your cse it's pretty easy - you can control weather you put yourself in your w space or not.

There's no black and white answer - I'd be the same as you in your place - do you stick it out being nice with w until she decides your the one or do you force her hand by moving out and going dark. doing that risks her thinking you have given up.

Al the success stories on this bb seem to rely on the fact that ww ws under the impression that h had moved on and didn't really want to reconcile.

For your own sanity and best chance of reconciling - i'd move out and go dark - maybe set yourself a timescale of when you are going to do it.

Hey which climbing wall do you go to in Sydney - used to climd the indoor walls there heaps when i lived in Sydney - only about 13 years ago - where does the time go ?

[saffie]

GH,

You are a bright guy. You know what has worked in the past. You know that when you walk she has followed, (albeit apparently unhappily). Your W seems to respect the tough love approach and walks all over you if you show weakness, (as opposed to fairness).

I know what you are having to get ready to do is scary- real F'ing scary....but you got a pair - use them.

That woman will follow. She followed you back to Australia. I think she loves the way you 'cave man' .......although she can't admit it as that might give you free rain to turn into the person you were before all this started. She has learned that by behaving badly she gets an improved version of you.

I also say again.....she thinks she knows exactly how to just keep you on board enough.....she throws you just enough affection and love. I think your 'tough' attitude would throw her into a loop again and get her running back much quicker than anything else. At the moment she is testing your boundaries.....just like a naughty child.

[GH31]

Hey Saffie,

Thanks for dropping by again. Let's journal a little...

I have had an interesting week with W. My gut feeling tells me that OM has already been in town and that W spun me a yarn about when he was coming. I will verify this independently.

There are just a few things that don't add up. W has been avoiding me all week and when she came home on Thursday at 11pm she seemed as high as a kite, just acting weird. On Friday she told me she was taking her mother to the movies but I have since determined that she stayed at a hotel in the city. She never would have told me unless I had confronted her directly; and the only reason she did is because she found I rang her sister, where she was supposed to be staying.

Then last night as she was getting into bed I looked at her legs, knowing what I would find. She had shaven her upper legs and in nine years I have never known her to do this. But for some reason I knew what I would find. Just too many things which don't add up and my gut feeling is hardly ever wrong.

When W and I were chatting last night and this morning we got onto the R subject and she said that she would be "very sad" if we got divorced and that she would "miss me and our connection/conversations terribly" and take "a year or two to get over it". She is so mixed up - says things like "we're not officially back together" and when I ask if she has any problem if I date other girls she says "no, that wouldn't be right because we have a sexual relationship". I found she even keeps a record in her diary of when she has her period and when we are physically intimate.

I feel she is living in a bubble and I somehow need to make her feel safe in coming out of it. I think doing so scares her because she will need to face the enormity of what she's done. We're both so wrapped up in each other and have been all of our adult lives.

But, these lies of omission, hiding, fence-sitting, cake-eating, avoidance etc are very hard to live with and no one in their right mind should. I think the idea of being without each other scares the heck out of us both but moving out will probably be necessary.

I told her I know exactly what she's doing - keeping me on the end of a string and yanking me whenever she needs something, and doing what she can so that I don't move on but no more. She said "you should mourn me for a while and not move on straight away" and I said "other than your ego being damaged, why would you even care? You're sat on the fence my darling, because doing so is less painful than jumping off".

W did say this morning that she "hasn't considered my feelings in all of this as much as she should have done", the first time I've heard her say this since the situation started. Will write more...

[GH31]

Just found out from my brother-in-law that my W did not spend any time with her mother at all this weekend.

I am 99.9% sure that when I snoop (which I will), I will find that OM's visit has taken place and that's what she'll have been up to. This and all the other signs leave me in virtually no doubt.

I am sickened, outraged and disgusted to the core.