I wish I had some great advice for you, but I think you are doing pretty well on your own. Think about what you want to happen and how to make that a reality.
No Sara, I am not surprised. I didn't think that she would do this but now that I have discovered it - surprise wasn't on the list of emotions I felt.
I don't see any way that this marriage can survive unless my wife is completely broken by the consequences of her decisions, and whilst I am very sad I am not sure whether I want it to.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Hi guys - thanks for following this depraved situation,
I met my W after work and came home with her. She wanted to listen to her iPod but I engaged her in conversation instead. Just idle chatting. As I saw her get her iPod out I noticed that the time was set to UK time. I remember her remarking months ago that I had changed the time on our own laptop which had thus changed the time on her iPod to Sydney time.
So the only way that the time could have changed is if she had plugged it into a laptop set to UK time. OM lives in England so this is another massive red flag. The signs are there - all I need is conclusive proof. I am so angry and disgusted with her today.
I asked her why the laptop had changed to UK time and she said she had "no idea". I said I didn't believe her and suggested that she plugged the iPod into our laptop to see if the time changed and she said "then it would mess up my files" - meaning the pictures of OM which I scrubbed of the laptop would no longer be in her iPod.
I asked her why she lied to me about seeing her Mum and she said "to avoid a conflict". What the fcuk? She goes on about me hounding her so I asked her "what do you mean by houding? Tell me specifically what to avoid." so I made a list (talking about her time in England and us separating in the future) and agreed never to do it again. I then asked her to agree never to be dishonest with me again which she did - though I know her words are just words because she is wayward and adulterous. I know she is lying to me.
Her sister to whom she is close disapproves mightily of her actions knows all about her lying and her selfish behaviour.
I will snoop on her iPod and into her emails at the first opportunity and verify all of this independently. Then I will expose to her family and go dark, explaining my reasons for doing so. They all think she is a disgrace and have commended me on fighting for our marriage.
I am reasonably convinced that she doesn't want to lose me and our connection/conversations - I am doubtful about being married to her although I realise that letting go would be heartbreaking for both of us.
I will get to the bottom of this. I know confronting her isn't exactly DBing but hard consequences seem to be the only thing she responds to.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Why bother? You already know what you will find. And you already know what you will do...threaten her and then do nothing but continue to let her dangle you. You are afraid...but of what? Afraid you might have a life where you aren't cheated on? If I were you, I'd be afraid that you'd repair this thing just enough for you to get your heart broken again the next time she felt like cheating.
We are not on a site that says, "get divorced", so I guess I won't suggest it, but you are young, you have no kids, and you have a long life ahead of you. I'd love for you to have what's best for you and to one day know the joy of having kids (if you want them), with a partner that's prepared to stick it out and not cheat on you. I don't really think that's what you have now, and you won't until she decides to do the work to be that person. Will she? I don't know, but how much time and heartache do you need to have to find out.
Last suggestion: Give up the threats. Decide what you are going to do and DO IT. No more basing your own life and decisions on what she says and does. YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE. Decide what's next for you and do it. If it's being with your wife, regardless of everything else, then just forget OM, since you aren't going anywhere even if she's cheating...which she did and is.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Why bother? You already know what you will find. And you already know what you will do...threaten her and then do nothing but continue to let her dangle you.
Hi Phoenixdeux, no if she has been doing this then I am done. I haven't told her this; this is no threat. If she wants back in then the price of admission has gone up about 1000%.
Something about her at the moment is just creeping me out.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Something about her at the moment is just creeping me out.
I can see why. I imagine it's the sneaking around. She didn't really seem to try that hard to hide it, but I suppose she figured you wouldn't suspect if she indicated OM wasn't coming until next week. I know the feeling...a sucker punch to the gut. I know this is hard and I feel for you, but it really is up to her to make the necessary changes to make herself a suitable choice for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I whole heartly agree with Phoenix. I remember your situation and reading the long and elicit affair with the other man and how she loved to travel and spend time with him and then come home.
Your Wife is immature and is always looking for someone or something else to make her happy. Maybe she wants to change but doesn't know how or believe she can. Bottom line how long are you willing to wait for what? Take it on and resolve to change together or live apart. Living in limbo is horrible and can only be tolerated for so long. I don't think she is an awful person but she is very lost and since she is the only one who can fix it, you have a very big decision to make. I wish you the best and will keep up with this.
You can control you and I would not have very high expectations for a consistent turn around. I am sorry to say but I have seen or read about this too often. Just remember it is your life and your decision to go on or to move forward with out her. I commend your efforts thus far regardless of your future decisions.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Give up the threats. Decide what you are going to do and DO IT.
GH...I think the above is good advice.
To be honest, I think that whatever you do your W will try to keep you dangling on. She is as afraid of your M ending as you are.....but she also seems to be afraid to invest in just you.
Would you trust this woman enough to have children with her at the moment? In the future? Do you want a family?
I can't work out why your W is being like this. Inside I hope that it is because she is confused/ afraid of/by commitment. Unfortunately my gut tells me, from what you have posted, that she is just attention seeking and it makes her feel good.
However, whatever the reason, in the interest of your own sanity you need to bring this particular chapter of your R/M to a close.
If your M is going to survive don't you want one with a different dynamic? In order to get that I am sorry to say, I think your W is going to have to undergo some pretty radical changes, and for that to happen you are going to have to stand firm.
I actually am quite hopeful that you could resolve this if you were firm with her and showed her you weren't going to accept the situation as it stands at the moment. I am sure if you move on she will follow.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
