I've been lurking on these boards for months - here's my current sitch.
Married H in June 2005 - we'd been together five years at that point. My second M, his third. I have four children (18,16,14,12) - he has none.
June 2007 - my younger sister had a series of 3 strokes. I spent the summer flying back and forth to help w/her care and rehab (she's not married). I was never gone from home for more than 5 days at a time. During this time, H became distant and kind of mean. I chalked it up to the sitch w/my sister, and his promotion at work.
9.26.07 - Tell him that something's going on, and I'll be checking the cell phone records. He confesses his (supposed) EA w/a woman he worked with before his promotion (he changed locations-they're not in the same building anymore). I asked him what he wanted to do, he said stay in the M. He agreed to NC, counseling etc.
10.26.07 - Found out A still going on - kick him out. We were still talking at this point - but I was doing all wrong things - crying, accusing, you all know the drill.
12.03.07 - He told me he's really ended the A and asked to come back home - I agreed.
12.07-03.08 - Joint MC and also IC for both of us. Found out on 3.28.08 A still going on and kicked him out (found his secret cell phone). Filed for divorce in April, refused all contact w/him - no phone, text, e-mail, etc. He did stay in contact w/my sons who are close to him.
7.28.08 - I'm in the hospital w/stroke like symptoms (Thank God was NOT a stroke). The doctor's office called him because he was still listed as my emergency contact. Very surprising to see him after four months of stonewalling him on my part. This health crisis of mine seemed to shake him up, and he begged me to postpone the divorce and give him one more chance.
Since then, we've been spending time together, just started joint MC last month. In most areas, things are going well, but his lack of transparency bothers me. He thinks he's being transparent because he gave me a key to his place, and his work e-mail password. When I asked about his personal e-mail, and to see his phone records, he accuses me of being controlling. I know the phone records are probably useless, because if he's calling her, it's probably on a throw away phone anyway. When he's around, he doesn't hide his phone, he just got a new model last week, and when I asked to look at it, he handed it over readily.
He really wants to start talking about a timeline for moving home, but I'm not comfortable with his continuing need to hide things. I think someone w/nothing to hide, hides nothing. I'd have no problem giving him my password, or my cell phone records. Our MC tell us that my request is reasonable, he says I'm treating him like a child.
I know from reading that some H in MLC have a real problem with "control". He's 38 (I'm 44), I don't know if that's the age range for MLC or not.
Anyone guilty of REPEATED infidelity is in no position to dictate what the rules of reconciliation are going to be. If YOU need full transparency (and I do mean FULL), then insist upon it.
He's free to take it or leave it, not letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
The "controlling" accusation should be a HUGE red flag, in my opinion.
A "red flag" as in maybe the A is ongoing? Or just a general red flag?
I told him I wouldn't be ready to discuss him moving back into our home until he was ready to be totally transparent. Our divorce date is January 9th - he wants me to dismiss it, but at this point, his continued hiding of information doesn't give me much faith in him.
SuperStar,
His first wife (HS sweetheart) left him for OM. He left his second wife when she gave him an ultimatum - have a baby or leave. So he left. All the children are mine w/my first husband.
Actually, my moron of a husband was carrying on his A through his work e-mail. Yeah, jeopardizing his family AND his job. He's got the letter in his personnel file to prove it - when the A came out, the OW's H blew the whistle on the e-mail communication. They were both reprimanded, but he was in more trouble - he's in a more senior position than she is.
Hey Davidswife, found you here. Glad to see that you have posted. Are you OK physically now?
I agree with others. He might be in MLC, my H is the same age and eventhough C says he is not MLC, he shows MOST of the symptoms, so I am just treating it as if it is MLC. But either way, he has 'controlling' issue. Why is that? Were his parents controlling? Does he still have things to hide? Did you guys talk about why he had the A? It's good that he wants to come back, but now the real hard work starts. He needs to look within himself to see what went wrong so it won't happen again. My H didn't do this work after his 'supposed ONS' so now he is on full-on A. Do you know why he wants to come back to you? (No offence, I am sure you are a terrific person but I think you need to know exactly why so you feel valued or not.)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I read your thread on your post - sorry to hear that your morning started out rough. Hopefully the rest of your day will be looking up.
Physically, I'm still having problems w/balance and constant dizziness. I've had every test under the sun - except for a CAT scan - that's Monday. I'm hanging in there.
As far as my H's A goes - yes, we've talked about why he had it in our MC. Basically, he felt abandoned by me when I felt I needed to be with my sister. He also has issues w/intimacy - he also felt that OW "needed" him in ways that he feels I don't. It's all confusing to me - we were together five years before we married, I was the same then as I am now, but all of a sudden, I'm too independent?
The OW is now divorced - ofcourse they were both going to get divorced and marry each other. The good thing, is she feels totally jerked around by him (what do you expect when you get involved w/a married man?) - and seems to have moved on.
As far as him coming home, he says that when I got sick he realized how much he still cared for me, and that the relationship with the OW was never "love". Also, during the months when I had NC w/him, he was still trying to contact me -- he said those months without me and not much contact w/the kids made him realize what his life would be like w/o us.
Until he's ready for complete transparency, I'm not ready for him to be home. I'm not living with secrets anymore. If he wants "privacy" it won't be with me.
I think his "controlling" talk is bs - his parents were not controlling - but his second wife was.
