Hi all! Perhaps you can help me out because I'm not sure what to do. WAS only contacts me when there's a reason and only discusses the problem. No personal questions or interest in me at all. I guess he thinks that he's giving me hope when he shows some interest in me. And he doesn't want me to have hope. Should I initiate contact and show some interest in him and let him know that I'm there for him or rather stay dark because it would only put pressure on him? I'm working on my 180s but it's hard to let him notice as there's hardly any contact at all, mainly on the phone. Please help!
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
Hi Truly: damned German men eh? (Mine is from Munich so I can safely say that...).
Okay first, before we go on, can you tell me some more specific details about your sitch??? I tend to lurk in the shadows a bit, but I am going to have some down time so...if you could give me a little background we will see what comes up!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I posted my sitch in newcomers before, but I'll post it here again.
Met in 2002: both studying at medical school, doing the same courses
Moved together 2003
December 2007 we both graduated, had to move out from apartment (students only), both started work in January. Had a lot of stress with graduation, studying, looking for job and apartment and moving. The search lasted for almost six month until we finally agreed on a apartment we considered the best of all.
February 2008 trouble with landlord, we both didn't like the apartment, weren't happy, decided to move out again as soon as we found something else. BF started to go out a lot, couldn't be pleased, was unhappy all the time, I couldn't make things right.
April 2008 We found a nice little house close to my parents and when we had a look at it, I knew right away that this was the place where I wanted to stay and what I thought would be perfect for us. BF agreed that he liked it. too.
Two weeks later bomb: packed his things and moved out. He likes me and we get along well together, but he's not in love with me anymore. He wants to change his life. My world shattered. Finally when things were improving again, after all the trouble with the moving and the landlord and the novelty of our jobs, he backed out. Now that things were calming down and we would have some time for each other again, he left.
I asked him if there was someone else and he told me that he had feelings for someone. When I asked him what he meant by “feelings for someone” he said that he was in love with another woman and that the affair lasted for six months already (he later denies it was that long, I'm not sure either, would have been right when we were moving). He had met her on the internet and she is just as unhappy in her relationship as he is. He had been going out a lot in the last few weeks but I thought he needed some time with his buddies because of all the stress we had and I trusted him enough to not ask him where he went and with whom. We even went to our graduation with all our families and had a great time, we arranged our holidays together so we can plan a vacation and were making plans to invite our families over to the new house.
Before DB I did all the wrong things: begging, crying, arguing, asking for a second chance, promising him to change. Nothing worked, it only pushed him away and he told me that I should stop putting him under pressure.
May 2008 After even more arguing from my side he agreed to give me a second chance, after I told him that he needn’t give up the other woman for me but to let me show him that I can be just as good as her. He spent a week at the house, we went out to dinner and had a barbecue and things were going quite well, but he always told me that I had to accept his decision no matter what the outcome. Although I was never allowed to touch or kiss him or be intimate with him. So I got suspicious. Even more as he was being secretive with his mobile all the time. One time when he was gone I checked his mobile and found a message from the OP saying “Come back when you’re free.” I then realized that he never even had the intention to really give me a try.
One week later I saw them walking through town, holding hands. I confronted him, while the OW ran away, not wanting to talk to me, but he had nothing to say.
June 2008 first contact after five weeks, since then several phone calls, text messages, always formal stuff about the former apartment and changing of contracts. He comes every two weeks to pick up his mail, first secretly, now telling me when he comes (sometimes during my working hours, sometimes when he knows I could be home)
Except for his clothes, all his stuff is still with me. At his parent’s he doesn’t have a room for himself, but only got his childhood bed in his father’s office. There’s no room for all his stuff. He pays half of the rent for one year.
During the phone calls, I try to be very cheerful, talking about the things I had done and planned and giving him the impression that I was getting along just fine. But when I meet him I'm always cautious what to say because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again and can't be cheerful. So far he has made no effort to get his stuff or find an apartment but he always tells me that he’s moving out for sure and that he’s not coming back.
October 2008 still lives with his parents, I have the feeling OW is gone (he has a lot of work, picked up some books and DVDs, visits his grandmother for a week). I suggested having dinner sometime, he replied that I just wanted to start something again... (grinning) and would have agreed but just as friends. Since then, little to no contact again.
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
I DO have a suggestion, but I'm not sure you'll like it - LET HIM GO.
Look - you're young, unmarried, no kids yet. Do you really believe this guy is the best you can do for a future spouse, partner, father of your children? He has ALREADY shown you he is capable of betrayal and dishonesty.
YOU need to behave like a woman who thinks she is worth much more than that. He's much more likely to come back if he's seeing YOU around town with handsome young men. But I caution you, he has already shown you something very disturbing about his character.
I know. But I still love him and it's so hard to let him go. The minute he'd appear on my doorstep I'd take him back because I was happy with him and now I', just trying to get through each day. I thought it would get better with time but I miss him so much!
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
