WAS - Initiate contact or stay dark?

[TrulyScrumptious]

Hi all!

I posted my sitch in newcomers but decided to switch over here.

Met in 2002: both studying at medical school, doing the same courses

Moved together 2003

December 2007 we both graduated, had to move out from apartment (students only), both started work in January. Had a lot of stress with graduation, studying, looking for job and apartment and moving. The search lasted for almost six month until we finally agreed on a apartment we considered the best of all.

February 2008 trouble with landlord, we both didn't like the apartment, weren't happy, decided to move out again as soon as we found something else. BF started to go out a lot, couldn't be pleased, was unhappy all the time, I couldn't make things right.

April 2008 We found a nice little house close to my parents and when we had a look at it, I knew right away that this was the place where I wanted to stay and what I thought would be perfect for us. BF agreed that he liked it. too.

Two weeks later bomb: packed his things and moved out. He likes me and we get along well together, but he's not in love with me anymore. He wants to change his life. My world shattered. Finally when things were improving again, after all the trouble with the moving and the landlord and the novelty of our jobs, he backed out. Now that things were calming down and we would have some time for each other again, he left.

I asked him if there was someone else and he told me that he had feelings for someone. When I asked him what he meant by “feelings for someone” he said that he was in love with another woman and that the affair lasted for six months already (he later denies it was that long, I'm not sure either, would have been right when we were moving). He had met her on the internet and she is just as unhappy in her relationship as he is. He had been going out a lot in the last few weeks but I thought he needed some time with his buddies because of all the stress we had and I trusted him enough to not ask him where he went and with whom. We even went to our graduation with all our families and had a great time, we arranged our holidays together so we can plan a vacation and were making plans to invite our families over to the new house.

Before DB I did all the wrong things: begging, crying, arguing, asking for a second chance, promising him to change. Nothing worked, it only pushed him away and he told me that I should stop putting him under pressure.

May 2008 After even more arguing from my side he agreed to give me a second chance, after I told him that he needn’t give up the other woman for me but to let me show him that I can be just as good as her. He spent a week at the house, we went out to dinner and had a barbecue and things were going quite well, but he always told me that I had to accept his decision no matter what the outcome. Although I was never allowed to touch or kiss him or be intimate with him. So I got suspicious. Even more as he was being secretive with his mobile all the time. One time when he was gone I checked his mobile and found a message from the OP saying “Come back when you’re free.”
I then realized that he never even had the intention to really give me a try.

One week later I saw them walking through town, holding hands. I confronted him, while the OW ran away, not wanting to talk to me, but he had nothing to say.

June 2008 first contact after five weeks, since then several phone calls, text messages, always formal stuff about the former apartment and changing of contracts. He comes every two weeks to pick up his mail, first secretly, now telling me when he comes (sometimes during my working hours, sometimes when he knows I could be home)

Except for his clothes, all his stuff is still with me. At his parent’s he doesn’t have a room for himself, but only got his childhood bed in his father’s office. There’s no room for all his stuff. He pays half of the rent for one year.

During the phone calls, I try to be very cheerful, talking about the things I had done and planned and giving him the impression that I was getting along just fine. But when I meet him I'm always cautious what to say because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again and can't be cheerful. So far he has made no effort to get his stuff or find an apartment but he always tells me that he’s moving out for sure and that he’s not coming back.

October 2008 still lives with his parents, I have the feeling OW is gone (he has a lot of work, picked up some books and DVDs, visits his grandmother for a week). I suggested having dinner sometime, he replied that I just wanted to start something again... (grinning) and would have agreed but just as friends.

Since then, little to no contact. He doesn't come over any longer, shows no interest in me. So far, I stayed dark. Should I initiate any contact or stay dark?

[MrsJJJ]

Dear Truly,

Reading your situation is like reading mine. Granted, not everything is the same but just being friends, shows no interest, doesn't come over, etc. Unfortunately, I have not seen my husband since mid October. I emailed him maybe two or three weeks ago just to update him on the kids with no reference to the relationship, no mention of how I was, etc. Since then, he has emailed me three times. His reply to my email seemed like the typical response from a MLC; but the next two were requests for me to send him certain papers, while informing me the time frame I have to live in the marital home [he abandoned] since he walked away from the mortgage and is allowing the bank to force a short sale and/or foreclosure. Of course, he made this decision without any concern for my well being or with an attorney telling he could do so. Mind you, he has not asked me for a divorce. Although, I won't go into any details.....my point is....my positive email only gave me emails from him that are not showing any signs of coming home. At the same time, I have not or will not reply to any email that is supporting his choice...which is clearly not mine. I am also not mailing him or helping him in any way shape or form...to encourage his choice to "abandon" me; while leaving me with "his" mess.
If I envy anything is...that you at least were able to see each other which allowed for talking. I'm suppose to be married and still wear my wedding ring, but I'm not even a blink in his eye. Personally, I feel like I was nothing but a joke and something just to pass the time until something better came along.

I'm staying in the dark until "my" husband...the one I married wants to make a positive turn for us. Right now, he is not even the man I married...its like he has no conscience now.

I hope this helped...if not...at least you know you are not alone.