He broke up with her, now I'm terrified...

[lola485]

My original post was in newcombers..."searching for a path". I won't give history here, as I think the lenghty post I gave before may have led alot of people to pass over. I will copy and paste my last post from that thread here, as I think this may be where I may get some guidance since many of you have been where I am now.

Wow. The same night I wrote my last post I reached the breaking point. I sent H an email (he was at band practice) and told him I was letting him go. It was not an ultimatum or a threat. I simply told him I couldn't do this anymore. The conflict he had and his inability to decide if he wanted to stay in this marriage told me it was not what he wanted or needed. I couldn't bear to see the effect it was having on his health, so I was going to let him go so that he wouldn't be conflicted anymore. I told him he could stay here until he felt emotionally ready to move on and that I hoped she could give him everything he needed. Believe me when I say this....this was not a ploy and I don't recommend it as a way to force a decision. I meant what I said.

Long story short, he read the email, I went into his computer room, and he told me he wanted to try to make things work with us, that he was going to break it off with her. He said no one had ever loved him enough to let him go. We talked until 2am about everything. One of the big things, and this is something for everyone in this situation to heed....he said he needed space a while ago (he also told her this). Because of the posts I had read here and the books I had read, I understood it and I was able to do it. She was not. While I gave loving support and acted "as if", she was clinging and couldn't give him that space, trying to force him into a decision he wasn't emotionally able to make yet. My DB coach had told me that eventually the OW would become too demanding, and she was right.

So I should be on cloud nine, right? But I'm not. I'm terrified.

We talked today and I told him I was scared about the work we have ahead of us. I honestly don't know if he will be able to do it. And by this I mean what I've read about communicating to each other your needs...what you need to feel loved. (from 5 love languages). He admits that he knows that my priority right now is saving our marriage, and his really is just trying to survive his daughter's death. I undertand that, I really do. He said that maybe that's why this other relationship was so appealing...it didn't require work. How do I counter that? Sex is really what started our problems, but it became so much more than that. I expressed all of this to him, trying to make him see that we both began feeling unloved and unappreciated so that we couldn't give the other person what they needed. Right now I think he's grieving the end of the other relationship. Wondering if he made the right decision. Sex was not the need she was fulfilling for him. It was making him feel like he was special, as well as giving him an escape from his terrible reality.

The day after we talked (which would have been Saturday) he was very loving and said "I love you" several times. But then the distance came again. I know a large part of it is what he's going through with his daughter (the holidays have taken their toll...), but I also think he is wondering if he made the right decision. He had fallen in love with this girl, to some extent, and now that outlet is gone. Those good feelings she gave him are gone, and he's left with me. And the prospect of having to "work" on our relationship. I think maybe for now I need to let go of the "we're both going to have to work at this" thing and focus on DB'ing techniques that only require me. We agreed that after the first of the year we would start counceling (I'm making an appointment tomorrow). Maybe in that environment he will see that the "work" realy isn't that bad.

I do know that he broke it off with her, which I told him I so appreciate and I know it was hard for him. Now I feel so much pressure...this is our last shot. She has told him she will wait for him and if things don't work out she will be there for him, she is so in love with him, etc. In his emotinal state I just don't know if he can stay away from that instant gratification if he doens't feel like things are moving quickly enough or if I do something wrong. I guess time will tell. Thank you for letting me use this space to get this out.

[kat727]

I went over and checked out your post on Newcomers. Wow to lose a child at the age of 10 would shatter anyone's world. I have a daughter that is 10 and I can't even begin to think what I would do without her. So yes, your H needs to work through the grief. It is hard. I lost my kindred spirit, my grandmother, 9 years ago and I am still not over it. Part of that for me anyway was that everyone kept asking me "Aren't you over that yet??" I felt like I couldn't really talk about it. Maybe your husband could journal his thoughts and feelings. I definitely think counseling would help.

Don't be scared of your last ditch effort on your marriage. If you think like that enough it could become a self fulfilling prophesy. Instead keep working on yourself, be supportive of your H and to continue to not pressure him.

I agree with Single Dad, the more you post to others, the more they come to you. You may think, well my life is a mess, how can I help. You can help by giving support and advice. When you aren't in a situation, sometimes you can see things so much clearer.

Continue to post and vent here. There are wonderful people here that will come to help. I promise.

kat

[cat03]

your main enemy here is fear, your own fear, if unchecked, will destroy any possibility of rebuilding your M. Yes, piecing is hard (btdt) but it is double hard if you are faltering each step, second guessing the other person, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. You must FIGHT your fear, you must declare each day that you will fight for your M to the bitter end, I never get tired of quoting a fellow DBer who said "it might be too late but damn if its' going to be too little".

Not many get the chance you got, RUN with it. Do not waste anytime thinking of what she said, she can wait until the cows come home for all you care. An excellent piecing book is "Healing the hurt in your marriage". A bit of it that I remember talked about mirrors. What you think of your spouse will reflect on your eyes for him to see...and what will he see if he looks in your eyes>? are you going to show reproach, dissapointment? lack of faith in him? whatever it is it will impact the way he sees himself and you.

I'm glad you both are going to C, it's a great step, In the meantime, give him space, men are like rubber bands, sometimes he'll come close to you and others he'll move back far away emotionally to recharge, let him. Women feel much better talking to others about their problems, men deal with it --mostly-- by retreating and being alone.

Focus on any progress you guys make, dont' focus on what's lacking. Trust will be built brick by brick, it can be done, dont' loose faith, it is ok for both of you to feel ambibalent about trying again, it is scary, but there is so much to gain!
Don't loose hope.

[Sara]

Lola,

Have you looked into the Retrouvaille program? Their website is http://www.helpourmarriage.org. My husband and I did the Retrouvaille weekend 2 years ago and it turned our marriage around completely. I felt like Hansel and Gretel following a path of breadcrumbs out of the dark forest. They have a method for healing marriages that works at least 50% of the time. It might really help you.

[runningoutoftime]

Just move slow, and work on being friends. Don't have expectations... except that rebuilding takes time and babysteps may make it easier. Continue to let him have any needed space and try to be supportive. Divorce is painful enough, but losing a young child... Well, I can't even imagine. The depth and level of pain would be endless.

[lola485]

Thank you all so much for your support. Each and every one of you have offered something that I know will be helpful. I checked out the Retrouvaille program's website...there's one here in our town in February. I'll talk to H about going. The thing about what's reflected in your eyes is pretty profound. I know what he saw in her eyes...I will not let him see fear and doubt in mine.

Cat...you're so right. I'm blessed that I got this chance, and I can not go through each day wondering if this is the day he'll decide to go back to her. I'll concentrate on making myself and this marriage so wonderful that he won't want to.

One of my problems is that I think I expect too much too quickly. I know that it has to be small steps, and that's it's normal for him to pull back after we make progress. I just have to let him do that without attaching too much meaning to it.

I will be spending more time here reading other's posts and offering what I can. I think I've learned more than I realize, and if that can help anyone in this situation I will be thrilled.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's Eve and day...bess you all and I look forward to getting to know you all!

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

I successfully busted our divorce - but it took a lot of painful moments for me but without this site I would have failed and now I am always reading out here hoping to help newcomers get through what is one of the worst ordeals a person can face.

I agree with Sara - go to a Retrouvaille weekend - insist on it from your H. It will show you how to communicate and how to get your marriage back on track.

Piecing is even harder than the affair phase - or it was for me at first. My H came home in July 2007 (was in an apt for 4 mos) but at the time he still was not truly done with his OW...she would ultimately start it up again and he filed for D in late Nov 2007. But it was my actions towards him and her clinginess that made him rethink the whole D idea. Once he filed he thought all would be clear and he would be good with the decision. When this didn't happen and her patience (which there really never was any) grew thin and she showed her true colors - he KNEW he made a mistake. I was just always good to him despite what he was doing to us, our kids and our marriage. I just loved him enough to let him go - despite it killing me inside.

I am rambling - what I really want to say is be prepared for further contact with him and his OW - but take the high road and keep doing what you are doing. Your actions speak volumes...

I would set up boundaries - like going to Retrouvaille, no contact with OW (even though I think there will be some)- b/c how can you really work on a marriage with a third person involved?

Trust your gut - you are doing an amazing job! Read other's sitch's - I read everything out here. Look for old postings from Grasshopper (archieved) - I think that's what the name was. ROOT (running out of time) helped me a ton!

You cannot fix your H - only he can do that for himself. Focus on you and what you can make positive in the M.

I got my first ILU last Xmas and we are still going strong this year. I still have bad dreams but not as frequently - sometimes I get angry with him but just flashes. All in all the fight was so worth it and we had to go through the flames to make this marriage last our lifetime!

I will be watching your progress and yes it will be in baby steps!

HB (not so broken anymore)

[cat03]

it is easy to expect too much and not too see the ground already gained, it's good you accept you need to work on this.
Good luck)))))))))))) you'll do great, believe it.