Hey guys.. but, any thoughts on whether or not you can 'go back' after whatever the hell she is doing to him ?? He has opened pandoras box.. I feel pretty discouraged since hearing that (insecure?).
So.. thanks Jeff, T, I ordered the book at last! I couldnt work out which edition before but Kalni helped me.
Cher has been emailing me. She and G both reckon me and ex are "definetly going to get back together" - But T, it would be exciting...but I cant work out if they say these things becuase they wish we would, becuase of things I tell them (like about him getting me a present and him thinking about me) or becuase things ex has said to them. If it was the latter, I think they would be more specific and tell me that. So its probably a combination of the first two. In which case, theres no real change (yet?).
I still havent heard from him. One lousy text message in reply to mine, all over the Christmas/NY period is very disappointing. He feels just gone..but is that an illusion? He FEELS gone, yet I hear that he talks abuot me and is confused! (but he said that 1-8 Dec week.. so although it was recent, could things have altered again since then??) and he did phone and send me a pressie just 2 weeks ago. So how do I deal with this confusing picture???
I'm not coping well with it.. the extended NC, its become normal to go a few weeks between ANY contact, and its a month now since I've seen him. Its making it so hard, especially on the back of hearing tantalising news of him. I feel frustrated and like I just want to hear the truth myself, not 2nd, 3rd hand.
And I still dont know when to contact him next, although I know he will reply, so its 'allowed'.
but, any thoughts on whether or not you can 'go back' after whatever the hell she is doing to him ??
I assume you are talking about the sexual acrobatics she must be performing?
Why go back? Are you not creative? I know you are because I've seen your art Ali. Channel that creativity into your sensual self. Learn a new art - sensual massage or tantric sex. How about some of the Kama Sutra that you haven't tried. All very fun and exciting but can be so loving and tender at the same time. That's the kind of sex a true, committed, loving R has. Acrobatics have a time and place but as an every time thing it gets dull.
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He feels just gone..but is that an illusion?
Gone? He is emotionally distant and is confused. Forcing any contact other than the friendly "thank you" for the gift would, IMHO, be a mistake. He's confused. His confusion that he expressed to his friends a month ago probably hasn't cleared. Remember Ali, men in general take much longer processing the big mental picture than we do. They don't deal well with emotions so all of this has him spinning in circles. Let him spin all on his own. I know it's hard but it's imperitive that he works through his feelings all on his own without interference from you. If you try to pull him back through convos that just have him apologizing over and over he will never see coming back to you as HIS choice, but as him fulfilling what YOU want.
I hope that rambling made sense. I tend to think far too many things at once and getting them all out onto a page before I lose my train of thought can come out very disjointed.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Do not worry about pandora's box. maybe he feels more comfortable trying innovative sexual behavior with this OW because SHE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT TO HIM AS YOU WERE/ARE, so it is not as much as a risk. that is normally the reason. there is a big discussion of this in "passionate marriage"!! I am so glad you ordered it!!
I mean, from what *I* understand, it's not about what you *do* in bed, it's about the emotional connection that you have while you do it. (this might seem to contradict what I just said in the above paragraph, but... just read PM and it will make sense). Do not let yourself be threatened by the OW's "dirtiness" or whatever. Maybe, down the line, it will be a developmental task for you to face on your own, to stretch yourself sexually. But you can do that with integrity, for YOURSELF. Again, discussed extensively in "passionate marriage"!!
I know you feel frustrated right now. But keep making yourself happy and living your own life. It is OK if he "feels gone". Sometimes they have to REALLY detach before they can come back. If the picture is confusing, it is because he is, as we've heard, confused. But that doesn't mean that YOU have to be confused. It sounds like he does not KNOW the truth, so how can he be expected to share it with someone else? All I'm saying is, things are looking GOOD, but he still has some more journey to complete, on his own, before he can really be ready to love someone the way you want to be loved. And that is OK!!!
Do not worry about the extended NC either. My RL friend who is DB'ing went through 3 months of NC, and when it was over... slowly... her man emerged to make his interest in reconciliation clear. It can be very healing.
One thing I've noticed about your sitch is that your wellbeing seems to still be very linked to interactions with BF (or lack thereof). I think this is normal, but from my POV it seems that it might be necessary for your wellbeing to become less linked to BF's behavior before you are ready to reconcile. (I think I struggle with this myself, because I am concerned that if I really "let go", who will be there to make sure at least ONE of us loves the other? But that is my own stuff...)
One thing I've noticed about your sitch is that your wellbeing seems to still be very linked to interactions with BF (or lack thereof). I think this is normal, but from my POV it seems that it might be necessary for your wellbeing to become less linked to BF's behavior before you are ready to reconcile.
That would be my suggestion as well if you want your reconnection to last for the long haul.
It's great to hear that your BF is still thinking about you so much. But it's good to think about what it looks like when they come back (if that should happen). Because, remember, they are still caught up in wanting BOTH of you to meet your needs at that point.
Right now he's got Helen, so you're the one that looks attractive. But if he breaks things off with her so he can have you ... what almost always happens is, he starts to think more and more about the OW. And next thing you know, he's stepping out to make phonecalls, he's got the alien look in his eyes again, and the cycle begins again. Are you prepared for the yo-yoing that comes with the WAS's first attempt to return? And many of them bounce back many times before they settle down....
At this point, most WA's are like drug addicts. They still long for the "clean" life they used to lead (you) and are ashamed of the cocaine addiction (OW). Sometimes they think they can leave the addiction behind and go back to their previous lives ... but unless they've actually dealt with the issues that led them to cocaine in the first place, they won't make it. That isn't to say it can't happen, just that the spouse who's been left has absolutely no control over the other person's choices.
The good thing is, once they've faced the fear of death/aging/self-esteem issues that got them there in the first place, you won't need to describe them as "weak" any longer. They are strengthened by facing their fears, by fighting their addictions, and by having finally chosen the lifestyle (and partner) that they want.
What I'm trying to say is, I think your R has a good chance of being strengthened by all this. But not yet. You don't want to take him back until he is no longer confused at all, but has really "grown up."
In the meantime, I heartily second Transformer's suggestion that you read PM. It is the best book about becoming a truly mature and fulfilled person--by expecting only the best from yourself--that I have ever encountered.
Hey Cyrena, lovely to hear from you.. you always sound like a little oasis of calm! Thank you so much for your post. Mish and T.. I am thnking about this latest angle and will post more! But yes, I am glad guys I ordered that book!! Also..T and Rob, I probs sound worse here.. in terms of him affecting my well being. In RL I am calm and chatty and make people laugh alot! I had a fantastic time back home and NYEve was great too, so I feel almost back to my old self, 95% (but a new improved me!?)
So wow Cyrena.. what you said makes sense. I agree and truly believe we could have a very much improved, mature R once he has learnt his lessons (as I have mine) and faced his fears. Can you believe he ACTUALLY said that to his BMF about Helen? Its the fear of ageing/dying, loss of youth, being able to pull.. etc. Such a textbook case! I guess his commitment to me was tested to breaking point, but a thread remains between us. Luckily for him, I am a very forgiving person and never 'bear a grudge' and dont really feel any anger toward him over all of this! I rarely get angry anyway, I cut straight to weeping!
BUT.. this latest news is a little intimidating. It was a bit of a graphic phrase and I am struggling imagining exactly WHAT she is doing to him. My BFF suggested a few scenarios that made me laugh (too filthy to repeat here). I am feeling a bit insecure about the thought of him coming back to the R one day and then ML to me.. and then, yes.. thinking of her! I imagine that would be hard, to have confidence in myself and not be full of fear he might end it again. BUT.. he KNOWS that that is not an option, thats why he has stayed away and wouldnt overstep the mark with me all year.
I realised I had sent my NYEve text later than I thought, so it would have got delivered at some early hours of the morning.. he then replied at 8.35am.. so he must have woken up, seen my text and replied straight away! Thats pretty huge I think. And he DID put a kiss and thats deliberate, as all of his communications with me this year have been so carefully controlled (except when he is drunk and then all hell breaks loose).
I made it clear to his BMF that I still love him, that I would forgive him this past year or more, that I DO understand its about facing fears, that I would not haul him over the coals for it and firmly believe we could put it behind us succesfully, if he wanted to come back. I did this deliberately as my ex confides in him it seems. I also stressed not to 'tell him' I was talking about him. His BMF is so ace.. he said he is meeting him in a few days for a drink and he is going to talk to him and find out WTH is going on.. and then he is going to tell me exactly what he said! So sweet.
We'll see. But wow, this sitch is still rumbling hey. Do my timescales match yours Cyrena? Takes ages hey...
T and Rob, I probs sound worse here.. in terms of him affecting my well being. In RL I am calm and chatty and make people laugh alot! I had a fantastic time back home and NYEve was great too, so I feel almost back to my old self, 95% (but a new improved me!?)
This makes me feel much better as I've been worried about you hitching your wagon to him completely.
Keep being the better, more fantastic, funny you regardless of what he's doing. You've got his attention by loving on yourself, so keep it up and his attention will grow.
Had a bit of a low morning. I felt frustrated, such sparse contact and yet he tells mutual friends he is confused and doesnt konw what to do. But as my BFF pointed out, he told his BMF back in February that he thought he may have made the wrong decision in leaving me, and yet he didnt tell me that time either, nor did we get back together.
His BMF said my ex told him he didnt feel as though he could talk to me about it...(clearly!). I wish I had asked BMF what it was ex felt he couldnt talk to me about. It wont change it, you can take a horse to water...
As for the s*x stuff T and Mish.. we had no probs there as far as I know, he said before and after the bomb it was the best ever.. but then, after the bomb he once snapped "yet".. so he must've been wanting to sleep with someone new. Maybe thats it, this ageing/dying thing..maybe he was freaked out at the commitment and M looming and the thought of sleeping with the same woman for the rest of his life scared him. I feel let down though, as he always had such good morals and integrity with this stuff.. he literally prided himself on never having a one-night stand. Perhaps I didnt see the real him, perhaps he's changed, or perhaps this is a phase. He's not sleeping around though at least, he's in a 1:1 R with her.
I think I need to reach out, email him thanks for the present. I dont know if others would agree. I get wildly different advice these days (ranging from turn up at his flat in just an overcoat, to phone him, email him, dont contact him but wait, to have nothing to do with him at all until he is out of MLC, lol).
Aiiiyeee! No! No turning up at his flat in an overcoat. It might work for the night, or the week, or the month, or the year. But do you want to be together for a year? or do you want a relationship that is built to last?
I manage people at work, and there is this fella who is sort of not very satisfied with his deal. he wants to look for a different position. I didn't want to lose him, he is talented and productive. And I bent and bent in order to make a better deal for him, to entice him to stay with my team. And he agreed. But you know, a week later he was back with the dissatisfied attitude. Here's the thing I have realized: I have sold him too hard. He will be happy or he won't; and what I do beyond what I have done already, is pointless. I may "make the sale" and convince him to stay for now but his eyes will wander again.
You have made it clear that you think the relationship is worth saving. Enough now. No more selling. The R will work if he wants it enough. If you have to beg him to come back, it is set off on a bad restart.
The best thing you can do for your future relationship, whomever it will be with, (this is true for me, and I'll bet it is true for you, too) is to get a life, and rebuild yourself better than before. Become strong and independent. Fall in love all over again... with yourself! This is irresistably attractive, but more importantly, it will bring resiliency to you, which you will rely on in times of inevitable trouble in the future.
Ali, Email him a thank you for the present. Keep it light and simple. If he opts to respond, so be it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
