I post in MLC and in all honesty have only read a few bits and pieces in this forum.
I want to be able to understand why a Woman becomes a Walkaway Spouse.
No, I am not considering leaving my Husband, but I do have a couple of friends who are considering leaving their Husbands.
I recently posted to a fellow DB'er that many Women who walk away and have an affair are pushed into it. The affair was not planned, but they found someone who filled a void that their Spouse couldn't fill.
An affair was the last thing on their mind, they just wanted someone to talk to and understand them.
In my opinion I believe that adultery is not OK, and I feel very strongly about it....BUT I also believe that many Women turn to someone else when they feel their emotional needs are not being met by their Spouse.
They feel lonely, and neglected. Unappreciated, ignored...the list goes on.
Please excuse my rambling, and I would so appreciate it if anyone could share with me.
Thank you!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am a LBS but I may have some insight into your question. There are some people who look for activities to fill the void in themselves, like gambling or shopping or scrapbooking. Some look for a substance like booze or drugs. While others will look for relationships to fill this void. A lot of women will turn to their family and girlfriends. There are a subgroup who will look for male companionship to fill this void. What we all know when we are sober and thinking clearly is that there is a clear line in companionship with the opposite sex. But when one is under stress, that fine line can be crossed. Or when one person is feeling lonely, the begin to lean heavily on the other person. Then before they know it, they are dependent on the other person. In my experience dependence often turn into something bigger. Think about it, do you have a friend that you depend on more than others, do you feel closer to that friend? I think it's built into our psyche from when we were babies. We feel closer to those who we depend on. Some people would interpret that as love.
So what we have is a situation that a woman or man suddenly find themselves 'fallen in love' with a third party.
Could they have prevented it? Yes definitely. Did they ask for it, maybe or maybe not. But when something like this happens, there is no excuse because WE ALL know the rules and we all know where the line is. Anything else is an excuse and shouldn't be accepted by the betrayed spouse. Can forgiveness come from this situation, it depends on the people.
But I think that's how most affairs start. It's by people who go out looking for help from other people. I think really everyone should look to their spouse or family or someone from the same sex for advice and comfort. Stop playing with fire, they know they are playing with it and are surprised to find that they can get burned.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 02/09/0912:44 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi BND, I'm glad I found you. I was actually about to look for you in MLC. But Jack_Three_Beans told me to reach out to you, pick your brain. My husband is having a minor midlife crisis at 34 and he's got some other issues, but who doesn't. My first post is in the MLC forum with updates. Please feel free to give me advice words of wisdom, etc. I'm up for all of it. Thanks!
I haven't been here in a while, and who do I find? Facebook is a little silly and convoluted for me. I am reading I Do Again which, although the woman is not exactly a WAW, it's the woman who leaves a "perfect" marriage. I have gained many insights from the play by play in this book. I posted something in the Midlife group which I will paste here:
"Friends,
I am currently reading the book I Do Again. I have just read a passage I had to share, because in the chats and in our emails the question constantly comes up, "what does the spouse see in the OP?" This passage is especially poignant for me, because the wife is the walkaway, but the passage is relevant for either gender, I think.
Quoting Cheryl Scruggs:
"For whatever reason, I was able to share everything with this guy. Things I could not seem to talk about with Jeff, I easily discussed with him. Todd had taken the soul mate position in my life, and Jeff was booted out. As I've pondered this situation, it makes sense. It's easier to share with a stranger you don't live with, who doesn't know your weaknesses and quirks and who doesn't see you at your worst. There is safety. Home is where the truth is. Home is where your guard is down. Home is where the real you is displayed. The stranger always wins because there is less risk. The stranger always looks better." (The italics are mine.) Further down she says, "...when you're married and have twin toddlers, life is kind of hectic. Diapers and grocery shopping and laundry are the topics of the day. Romance is pretty far down on the list. So there's no comparison - a romance-filled life with a stranger looks so much better."
I think this is so indicative of modern day marriage. We want all firecrackers and bottle rockets. But we don't do "still" very well. "Be still and know that I AM God" needs to be applied to our marriages as well, but if we don't know the Lord (as Valorie and I didn't) we are deprived of this valuable lesson.
The book is a treasure. I hope you all will pick it up.
Much love,
David"
Thank you for being my friend and my rock. I am still scared, lost and lonely, but at least it's bearable. D'd a year now. My, how time slips away...
Much love,
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
The WAS is seeking validation, or security, or their needs, elsewhere! Because they have created (in their own head) such a warped since of reality that they refused to sit and talk to their spouse like an adult and express their own needs and why they need what they do. If for one second we all got out of our own head and thought about "are we really giving what my spouse really need" the answer would be NO!
But we are so caught up in our own pain we never for one second think "what is my spouse going through" & it doesn't matter LBS or WAS we both don't do it until it's too late (LBS= when the WAS leaves & WAS = when the fairy tale of the OP dissolves ) WAS are so quick to blame the LBS for all of their issues, but half of the blame is the WAS's
Did the LBS fulfill all your needs, probably not (were all your needs reasonable "make me happy" do you know what even makes you happy?)
Did the WAS fulfill all of the LBS needs, probably not
I know a woman who's been divorced 4 times and she can't seem to figure out the one thing in common in all 4 marriages!! (It's her)
Last edited by alexjadams; 04/23/0905:09 PM.
WAW 32 ME 38 D11, S9 & D2 Together 10/96 Married 4/2000 Bomb 4/2006 PA1 9/2006 PA2 11/2006 I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!
Hello, well I’d like to jump on this bandwagon and give my usual more than two cents worth. As some of you know, I was a rather “late in life” AWAW. With that said, I don’t know that I had "true" MLC, but the symptoms were close enough, okay? So, let me comment on some things that have already been said and these are just my opinions from my experience as an AWAW.
Quote:
“In my opinion I believe that adultery is not OK, and I feel very strongly about it....BUT I also believe that many Women turn to someone else when they feel their emotional needs are not being met by their Spouse.”
I agree whole heartily! I do not believe adultery is okay. I have always felt very strongly about it. I was raised in a very strict Christian home and continued to live in my own home in the same fashion. I married a man who was very different “emotionally” than I was. I talked about everything to him. I turned myself inside out emotionally to him trying to make a connection and wanting us to be emotionally intimate. He, on the other hand, had nothing to say and was only interested in the physical intimacy. Over the decades of marriage, I read every “how to improve your marriage” book out there (or at least, I felt like I did). I read all the little tricks to spice up your relationship and used quite a bit of my own imagination. But, my emotional needs were starving. Every time I talked to my H about this, he never “got it” and we ended up with me crying and him having nothing to say…..as usual. I might add that over the decades, many unhappy things happened as it usually does in raising a family and growing older. My health began to get worse and I was on a huge amount of medication, including a lot of anti-depressants. I just threw that in b/c I don’t know if all the meds had anything to do with my actions or not, but I think it did not help my mental condition whatsoever. Finally, it was as if the straw finally came that broke the camel’s back, but I didn’t see it. But, I won’t get into all of that.
Quote:
“Could they have prevented it? Yes definitely. Did they ask for it, maybe or maybe not. But when something like this happens, there is no excuse because WE ALL know the rules and we all know where the line is.”
Very true and I agree, but still it happened. Do I have an justified excuse? No! Did I feel like I did at the time? I think when I realized I really was in an EA, yes, I think I felt that I had an excuse b/c I was very defensive about it when I was confronted. For an example......my H had not made love to me in 12 years (his choice). I was neglected in many ways. I was lonely, sad, bored, ………on and on I could go with the excuses, but the bottom line is that when all is said and done…it is still wrong.
Quote:
“But I think that's how most affairs start. It's by people who go out looking for help from other people. I think really everyone should look to their spouse or family or someone from the same sex for advice and comfort. Stop playing with fire, they know they are playing with it and are surprised to find that they can get burned.”
Oh, but I did turn to friends & family for years and years. They did not have the answer. Playing with fire? I think that was the hook. B/c I had always been the proper Christian wife that would never “dream” of doing anything so improper as flirting with another man! So, when it happened in an Internet game, I found it to be very exciting and an ego booster, and very “sinful” to this church-going woman. Therefore, it drew me back for more.
Quote:
“For whatever reason, I was able to share everything with this guy. Things I could not seem to talk about with Jeff, I easily discussed with him. Todd had taken the soul mate position in my life, and Jeff was booted out. As I've pondered this situation, it makes sense. It's easier to share with a stranger you don't live with, who doesn't know your weaknesses and quirks and who doesn't see you at your worst. There is safety. Home is where the truth is. Home is where your guard is down. Home is where the real you is displayed.”
ABSOLUTELY! I was nothing with the OM over the Internet like I was in real life. I could be the “bad girl” and say things to him that I would not dream of in real life. I also chose to have an EA with a man totally opposite from my H. Strange, huh? You know, I even "tried" to fall in love with him, but in my heart I knew I didn't really love him. He kept pushing to meet with me in real life, and I kept finding excuses for not meeting.
Quote:
“One word immaturity, What causes a walk away to leave is IMMATURITY”
Well, considering my age, I can’t say that I agree with that statement. There are many reasons that causes women to walk away…….and some ARE justified when abuse is involved. Immaturity was not my problem. Maybe selfishness or close to a emotional breakdown……but not immaturity. That is not to say it is not the problem in a lot of cases with young women and men.
Quote:
“The WAS is seeking validation, or security, or their needs, elsewhere! Because they have created (in their own head) such a warped since of reality that they refused to sit and talk to their spouse like an adult and express their own needs and why they need what they do.”
That statement does not fit all WAS. As I said, I DID try for years and years to talk to my spouse and tell him what I needed and what I wanted and what kind of R I wanted us to have. But nothing ever changed and finally, after all my attempts in trying to make things better, I was worn down and I got sick and I gave up.
Quote:
“ If for one second we all got out of our own head and thought about "are we really giving what my spouse really need" the answer would be NO!”
That is probably a true statement about most of us. I did try to meet my spouse’s needs, however, since he would not talk, I had to “guess” at what they were. After a while, you get kind of worn out by trying to be the one in the M that is doing all the work and trying to meet everyone’s needs (including the kids) and you would just like to have a tiny bit of your own needs met occasionally.
Quote:
“But we are so caught up in our own pain we never for one second think "what is my spouse going through" & it doesn't matter LBS or WAS we both don't do it until it's too late (LBS= when the WAS leaves & WAS = when the fairy tale of the OP dissolves ) WAS are so quick to blame the LBS for all of their issues, but half of the blame is the WAS's”
I DID think about what my spouse was going through and that I was hurting him! But, you are correct in that I was in so much pain. Maybe it was that selfish pain that drove me to continue the fair tale. As far as the blame, I was told by my H that he had done nothing wrong! So, I was faced with all the faults and blame and he sat there self-righteously and smug and did not own any part of the break-down of the MR. The EA was my fault and I never have said that it wasn’t. It was my choice. It was my pain. I was looking for something to make me feel better and my H wasn’t doing it and nothing else was doing it……so you are right about that part. Maybe I could have started drinking, but it didn't occur to me.......
Quote:
“Did the LBS fulfill all your needs, probably not (were all your needs reasonable "make me happy" do you know what even makes you happy?)”
Yes, I knew what would make me happy……for him to talk to me. Was it reasonable……I thought so.
Quote:
"Did the WAS fulfill all of the LBS needs, probably not”
How can you if he won’t tell you what they are?
Well, that is just my take on my own stitch. I know there are a lot of bitter and hurt LBS and I am not here to make anyone feel worse, but I do know from my own experience that a WAW can be any age and it can happen for more than one or two reasons. My main answer has been that I believe from a wife’s POV that if a H meets her emotional needs that most women are not going to walk away from that. You notice I said "most" women b/c there will still be the immature and the selfish.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
