Trying to fill the empty space

[Starshyne]

Hello everyone,

I hope someone here remembers me. This is Sara who had the idiot husband that wore her t-shirts (if you don't remember this...don't ask!). LOL

I haven't been here in awhile because it was just too painful for me to read about what everyone was going through. I needed a break from it. But here I am again.

I have now been divorced for 7 months, which is hard for me to believe. Some days I still expect my exH to walk through the door and forget that I am not married to him anymore.

I guess you could say that I am not taking it very well. I go through cycles where I am very content with my life and then something will set me off and for days I will be crying because I just miss my xh so badly. I thought things would get easier with time, but they honestly haven't. Right now I am just really sad over the break-up of the relationship. The fact that we are no longer a couple just really makes me sad.

I have been working very hard at GAL. I just got a very small role in the community theatre production of "To Kill a Mockingbird" I am going to be the court reporter! I am really excited about this. I haven't done any theatre since before the bomb (and still question if my theatre activities had anything to do with my xh finding OW). I know that I am going to have fun. I am also keeping up with my guitar lessons and I am enjoying them. Since August I have been going out to eat with a very nice guy on Saturday nights. It is nothing serious and barely even romantic, but it is nice to hang out with someone of the opposite sex. I have re-conncted with my best friend from high school, who I have been estranged with for 5 years. And I am singing actively with my church worship band. So I am trying to get out there but while I am doing all of this stuff there is part of me that just feels empty. It isn't a big part of me, but it is always there. That awful emptiness that used to be filled with love from my husband. The pain of coming back to an empty house and sleeping alone.

But here I am....trying to heal.

Sara

[BobbiJo]

I remember you! I have been looking for you the past few weeks, actually....you are the teacher who had to put h's stuff in the garage and you went to DisneyWorld...

Last I remember I thought your H was telling you he realized how much he messed up. Guess I was hoping he had seen the light.

Glad you are getting lots of activities going. That will be good for you, especially the theater if that is something you really enjoy!

[SDFoundGirl]

Be patient with yourself. You are in mourning, and it is completely normal. Give yourself the time to heal.

Are you in counseling? If not, go. Having someone else devoted to helping you process this is invaluable.

It sounds like you're doing some really fun things. Keep looking for the beauty and good in life, and you will find it. Meanwhile, just take care of yourself.

SD

[Reincarnated]

Hi, Sara--I remember you, too!

It has been just over 7 months for me, too. I went through that very same "empty feeling" a few weeks ago, seriously. Go back and read my thread - I just decided that, this is it. Good enough, but not really good.

I want to let you know that I didn't stay there. I think it is another step in our journey, maybe a new level of acceptance. But I was there, and it wasn't fun. I was crying daily, although not with the desperation, anymore. Just, so very sad.

But here I am, a few weeks later, and things are ok. I feel more of a contentment, a peace. I'm not trying to stuff things into the hole anymore. I think I have to stay here a while, too. Just be. Funny, I wrote that as a mantra of mine over a year ago, thinking that it was what I was doing. But I wasn't, not really. I was still turning the "problem" over and over in my mind all of the time, trying to figure out the answer to something I could not solve.
I'm not doing that, anymore. It wasn't a conscious decision (man, I certainly TRIED to put the damn thing down, believe me!!) It just happened, with no fanfair or big insightful AHA moment. I think I noticed it after I had been like that for a few days.

Keep doing all of the things you have lined up for yourself. Sometimes, our bodies have to do the "doing" before our minds catch up, or even switch gears. Be gentle with yourself while acknowledging that a feeling is just a feeling--you have a choice in if you let it get in the way of your doing.

Like so many have said, it does get better. In spite of us, in spite of us sometimes not even wanting it to get better.

[lodo]

Hey Sara,

I still pop on every now and then, though like you I'm trying to stay away as much as possible so those bad feelings don't get dredged up.

It's completely normal to have ups and downs. This is part of the process. You'll never be able to completely forget XH and that sadness will stick with you until you have the chance to let it fade as you gather better memories. I have a good friend who's been divorced 5 years (her instigation) and she says in times of self-doubt, she still gets upset over questions of why her XH didn't try harder. So, it's going to be a piece of you, but that's okay.

It sounds like you're doing fun things and exploring life - that's great! Distractions definitely help. Keep up your optimism, outlook is everything.

take care, lodo

[Starshyne]

I thank everyone for what they have said. It makes me feel a lot more "normal" to know that the way I have been feeling the past several days is not out of the ordinary.

And yes...I am the person who packed up my XH's stuff in the garage and went to Disney World with my parents. My parents took me to Disney World because I got a divorce. I will always have to chuckle at that.

One thing that bothers me is that I feel that people in my life (family and friends) and trying to pretend like I was never married. I know my Dad has made some comment to me once about how made a mistake and now I can just move on like it didn't happen. That is the last thing I want. I dont' want to forget it. How can I? But even if I could, I dont' want to. I enjoyed being married. My husband was this amazing guy that opened my eyes to so many things that I would have never have thought of if it weren't for him. Why would I want to pretend like the past 7 years of my life never happened?

I have been meeting new people. People from church and the play who have no idea that I was ever married. I don't feel like I need to announce it to them "Hi, I am Sara. Divorced." But I sort of feel like I am not totally being myself. I don't know..I can't really explain it in words.

At least I know that my feelings aren't odd to have. Right now I feel like a teenager who has been dumped by her boyfriend.

Sara

[cat03]

hey Sara()))))))))))))) it's been a while, I'm sorry you are feeling blue hon, it took me pretty much a whole year (and stbx to get a live-in gf_) for me to move on emotionally, it takes time my friend. Just do a lot of thought stopping, convince yourself that you will have a great life, eventually your brain will "buy" it.
As far as your family, they think they are helping I guess. I agree with you though, I am not going to act like it didnt' happened either, I look at my M years as a stage of my life, with good and bad parts, with lots of good moments that I keep in the "closet" of my mind/heart. Now I begin a new stage, a new journey.

God wants you to have a good life, an abundant life, and for him to do so you need to have your heart open for those blessings and believe them Sara. You can and will be happy again.

[No Longer BH]

Hey Sara, its so good to see you back! What happend with the ex? Last I saw he was begging to come back and you were trying to date someone else. I thought "Good for her, she finally saw the light that this guy just isnt right for her and she is moving on." It is a process. We grieve, we get angry, we grieve again. I am so glad to hear you are out and about getting a life. You know, I am still right across the river from you if you want a shoulder to cry on or a friend to go out with. I have actually met up with a few differnt women who have been through the same thing that I am going through and it helped me so much to know I could vent to someone who related.

Sara, this is your time right now. It takes as long as it takes. A really good friend of mine told me "Broken, your F'ed up H ran off to the first person that came along. He never did any of the work to truly find himself. You are not making that same mistake. You are working at finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy. This is your time of self discovery. And if you do this right (and trust me, we are) then this will be the only time in your life that you are single and dating. Why not have some fun with it? Look at this as an opportunity." You know what Sara, she was right. Why try and run into another relationship! This is about me finding me and healing completely. My stupid H is not doing anything to heal himself, he is still trying to medicate with outside stimulas. When I am ready (not quite yet) I will go out and date and try to have fun with it. Nothing serious. When it is suppose to happen it will. Dont beat yourself up because you are still grieveing......you are still healing and will emerge from this a more whole and as a stronger person than ever before.

Missed you and glad you came back! The image of your Ex wearing your T-shirts still cracks me up.

[Starshyne]

Cat and Brokenhearted: Thank you so much! You have no idea how helpful your words are to me. It has been 6-7 months since I was divorced but I had zero time of seperation from my xh because he wouldn't leave. So I have realized that some of the emotions that people may feel when they are first seperated, I have been feeling along with the feelings I have from being divorced. But I felt bad about crying again....I felt bad about having such sorrow in my heart. I keep saying that I am moving forward and trying to heal, but I just felt like I had taken many steps backwards. Thank you for giving me that permission to grieve again. I needed that.

XH called me on Friday to tell me that he got fired from his job. Now I not sure why he calls me whenever he has "news" of any kind of share, but he does. Maybe because I am the only person he trusts. I feel bad for him. He has a hard time holding down a job. He always has. At least this was his part time job, but it was the one he was wanting to do full time and quit his full time job for.

Here is something else that recently happened. I have joined an online dating site that is free. I haven't been paying too much attention to it because I have been going out with that one guy for awhile, but I still look at it now and then. Well...since my ex has ended the R with OW, he also has joined it and we are matched as "compatible" on there! Which that alone is funny. According to a computer we ARE compatible, but that computer has no idea of our past.

So I am reading his profile because I am nosey like that. And three things stood out. 1. He says that he is a non-smoker 2. He lists himself as single (not divorced) and 3. The women is is looking for and the things he wants for the futre sounds just like me and the life we once had.

I think it is sad that he is starting out with lies (about smoking and not ever being married). I don't really know how he expects to keep a lady around when he lies right off the bat. I also am puzzled by why he wants the life he once had. (something about how he would love to settle down and get married and buy a house....ummm...yeah....that was us!) He was the one that had to leave that life. He was so unhappy. Why does he think it would be different the 2nd time around? And I dont' think he deserves that chance again, but I don't decide these things, do I?

[SteveInTN]

Because they (WAS) are for the most part stupid... It all ebbs and flows but you'll end up in a spot where you could care less how he portrays himself to anyone. Just give it some time.

Be careful w/ those dating sites!!!