My question to you is this, has your W ever started persuing or did she drop it after the D?
Ping..why does that matter??
when you ask this it makes me think you're looking for a sign..or that you're looking here for answers..
DB'ing will not save your M...Db'in is all about you..
you're best chance at reconciliation IMO is doing what you are doing..continue to move forward..making sure the path is clear along the way and your heart is open to a reconciliation if it comes to that..
your ExW is driving..she has been and will continue to do so until she's ready to get out from behind the wheel and let you drive a bit..
Dbing has never been a plan or program to save your M..db'in is about making you a better person..
This is your sitch. No one else's is exactly the same, even if some of the situations in the sitch seem to match perfectly.
You have to be careful right now about returning to the state you were in when you first came to this board. I'm talking about the needy, pursuing, hanging on every word/action mode that most of us come here in.
I think you were sent a message in these recent events Ping. The message is twofold.
First is that YOU never quite ended the marriage inside of you. If you had, you would not have been moved quite so strongly the first time your wife gave off a vibe that could be interpreted in a positive way.
The other message is that it's never over until it's over inside of you.
I'm sure you've read enough of the stories on this board to know that often the leaving spouse takes quite some time before they begin looking honestly at what's going on in their lives. And as much as I hate to agree with anything that Gucci says, I do believe that many times it takes a tangible sign that WE have moved on to really open the eyes of the spouse that left us.
I think there's been alot going on in your wife. Seeing you date, hearing about it, hearing about the new woman in your life from the kids, that has been just one of the things working on her from the inside. Seeing the changes in you and finally believing that they were real is another. And then there is the whole "my life sucks" reality check that she appears to be experiencing right now.
Let's just say that she has ample reason right now to be considering whether or not she made a correct decision when she chose to leave your life.
That doesn't mean she's bound for home post haste.
It does mean that perhaps a door has been opened.
If you choose to play this out in the same way you did when you first got here, I think you expect a similar result. Going back to pursuit and needy sends the message that you are the same man she left, and that maybe the changes are a ruse after all.
If she has been attracted back in your direction, it is because you have become attractive again. And that is the direct result of YOU doing the work that you needed to do on you, and you leaving her to her work.
And that's where you need to keep things.
Let HER pursue YOU.
Let her attraction towards you continue to grow and strengthen by remaining consistent in the better man that you've become.
I truly believe that THIS is how spouses have their eyes and hearts turned back towards home. It is our genuine changes, our willingness to STOP being so attached to THEM, and the strength that we show by moving on with a full and happy life that CAN ultimately do the trick. To me, your situation is evidence of that.
You don't change what has been working. Even if you didn't realize it has been working.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
No, I never ended the marriage in my heart, this is not what I wanted but I gave up living the life of hope and moved on. The sad part about all of this is in my mind, I don't know that I will ever let the marriage go because this is not what I wanted. To the same degree, I couldn't just sit around waiting for that hope any longer, it was time for me to find happiness again.
Did I find happiness in my relationship today? Yes I did, does that still mean that I have closed the door to ever reconcile with W, no I haven't at least not until it is too late.
My W made me to believe that she was never coming back, what is someone to do, sit around and rot? I did that for 10 months and saw absolutely no hope in my sitch so I did what I had to do. I can tell you that I am a much stronger person today because of all of this.
I see where you all are coming from, I need to lay low and see where this leads. I will know in due time if any of this means anything at all.
I am going to have the talk with GF with the emotions I am feeling, when we first started dating I told her that if W ever came back to me then I would be open to it so I did let her know that although 4 months later I'm sure it will be a much harder conversation. Part of me thinks she will stay in it with me to see if anything comes from it and another part thinks she may run.
This is very tough and just like D, I don't wish it on anyone.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Interesting thread and a lot for me to digest too given there are some similar things happening here. Lots of great advice, thoughts and comments from a bunch of great people, glad many are still around.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
as far as I know Ping is fine. There was never any change in his sitch. His wife never really attempted to reconcile and I believe he is still in a realtionship with the same girl...
Thanks M. That.....seems to usually be the case. Hope u are well. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
