BobbiJo- You sound like you're in a good place right now, detaching well. I have one suggestion: when your h brings up the "lost dream" again, do not defend yourself. Validate, validate and then validate some more.
Thanks for the compliment. I am doing pretty well, just tired A LOT, probably from the MRSA. Oh well! So goes life..
As far as validating, I have tried that. I actually wrote Dan a "Dobson Letter" type thing last January. I reviewed pretty much our entire marriage, pointing out all the times where I saw, in hindsight, that I had let him down/made mistakes. Such as depending on him as my sole source of companionship when we moved, nagging him about the money spent on the cattle business, not treating it like a business (calling it a hobby), etc etc.
I apologized, owned up for my shortcomings, and vowed to be more supportive in the future. I have not questioned him on a single purchase since that time. And since that time, he has purchased a different truck, a new tractor (cost more than our first house), and another trailer. Oh, yeah, and his own house a few months ago.
I have encouraged him to spend evenings on the farm taking care of the cows/land instead of being with his family. And this is while we were piecing and I wanted him with me! I told him it was just great when he wanted to spend a couple Saturdays driving to cattle sales with his best friend. And when he spent his vacation days going to pick up a cow in Texas, even though I had asked him to take some time off to go somewhere with me (during piecing) and he said he would but never did.
I am not trying to come across as defensive. I am just saying that all the validating/support in the world doesn't matter at this point, not to my husband. He said a lot of my actions were, in his eyes, just me patronizing him and not sincere. (Trust me, they were sincere!) He doesn't trust that I want to support his dream, even after a year of my DOING just that. All because of the incident where we didn't buy that piece of land.
So, bottom line is, he has to choose to let that go, if we ever have a future together. We cannot get back together with that wound continuing to fester or we will just wind up apart again when his bitterness catches up with him, as it has every other time.
Actually, I did mention it on Sunday. I said, while he was grilling the steaks so we could eat together (?)-- "So, we cannot work things out because you cannot forgive me about the farm, and unless/until that happens, there is nothing I can do." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He said, "Pretty much", in a disappointed sounding way. So, it is what it is!
OK, gotta get done at school so I can try to go for a run and get the energy level up before night class! All I can do is yawn!
And before I get a 2 x 4, I did NOT start an R talk!!
And I will never, ever start one again. The only one who can make a move to restore our relationship is Dan, not me. So I am going to work on being a better mom, a more fit and healthy person, and a better employee who focuses more on her work (I say this as I am on here AT work! ).
I only said that little sentence to Dan on Sunday to let him know that I GET it now, and I will stop trying to fix us.
2X4! Ha! I wouldn't have been able to resist saying, "That shows how stupid you are!"
Sara,
I am tired/sick so you have to elaborate for me. You mean, HE is stupid for letting that be the reason we can't get back together? If so, I agree. I think letting your wife find you in a hotel with another woman is sufficient payback, don't you? He doesn't get the whole "Start over with a clean slate" mentality.
Actually, he probably gets it very well. It just means he has to give up his anger and apparently, he likes it too much. Because as long as I ruined his life, he can keep screwing things up indefinitely, right?
I did, thanks! I am trying to decide between training for a 10K or a half-marathon.
And for the past week, I don't know why, I am having the urge to kayak. Mind you I have NEVER been in a kayak. But I keep having this desire to get out on a lake and just explore with one... Hmmm I even googled it today and found a class 30 minutes from here to learn kayaking basics...
Oh well. Maybe I am starting my MLC. I am also curious about biking so I could do bike/run races....who is taking over my brain??
Yes, BBJ. Of course I meant that he was stupid. I cannot understand how anyone can ruin his own life by falling in love with a piece of property he can't afford. And as you know, I am a realtor. I help people buy and sell property all the time. And I can tell you, for every house or piece of land they miss out on, there are several others just as good or better. And yes, there's sentimental value. But I believe there is greater sentimental value in one's family than in any 20 acres. Besides, if he really must have those 20 acres, he could make a very good offer to the current owners, and they might take it. Or he can wait, and the day will come when the property turns over again. But, I am being rational and logical, and there is no room for logic in his feelings. I understand that. But if I had been having that conversation over the bbq, I would not have been able to resist telling him that I thought he was stupid.
And I disagree. You did not deserve to find him in a hotel room with another woman because he couldn't afford to buy the piece of land he wanted. That was unjustified. You did not wrong him by pointing out that your finances could not be stretched to cover his fantasy.
Hey BJ... have you done a 10k before if not ...start there unless you have a lot of training time. It's all in the training. I followed Hal Hidgons on line training guide for both of mine and finished trained well enough with no injuries. I never went into the 1/2 for a time limit... I went into with the attitude I just want to finish it. I was amazed at the people who looked near death towards the end and I was still smiling. I could have ran faster but was afraid to not have anything left so next time I will know that I am able to push harder in my second split. you sound great!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
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