I don't know what to say. For most of you this is the first time you are going through this experience. I was the same the first time and then things got worse. So, the second time around it is not so exciting. It's depressing.
I don't know what to say. For most of you this is the first time you are going through this experience. I was the same the first time and then things got worse. So, the second time around it is not so exciting. It's depressing.
I have been through this twice too. It is depressing, but you will make it. We all need to keep telling ourselves that. This is even harder with an A. All I know is I look back on what I lived with and made my kids live with and I am so sick by it.
You have done well with your decisions thus far. Just keep it up. Nothing has to be done tonight or even this week/month.
(((Kass))))
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I was just running through other threads looking to talk and looking for support. I have had a real need to talk but everyone has been way busy.
I know you understand, I hear it in your posts a lot of the time, things voiced that i think about or have thought about. It is definitely easier being apart and not having to deal with his stuff. We don't have kids like you do, but we do work at the same place and our offices are next to each other which means daily contact. It also means putting on a face for everyone at work, and not being able to tell the truth. Although I think if anyone didn't know we were separated, they probably do now since his trip to the hospital.
He seems sincere about his recovery but he was that way the last time. I remember time, he went to AA, and I went to Alanon on the same nights. We would meet up after the meetings and share what we learned and how we felt about ourselves. I also recall seeing him happy for the first time when he would get calls from the guys in AA. (He had no social life) He seems happy again. His therapist is changing his treatment style which seems to keep H interested in staying there.
In reading pearl's thread the other day, I completely understood the question about how to rebuild trust - there is no OW but we have separated twice over his drinking. I am glad I asked for additional time to consider my readiness.
I finally found your thread. I wanted you to know that I have been trying to catch up on your situation. I read through your (this) thread .. rather quickly.
Just something to throw out .. and maybe it's already been suggested ..?
You say that your H is getting some counseling. While I know that neither one of you is ready for any kind of "couples" counseling right now .. what about asking your H if you could accompany him to one or two of his sessions? Am wondering if your H's counselor (after meeting with you also for a couple of sessions) could get your H to understand where you are coming from as far as your need for space? Your H obviously is not getting that.
This is (IMO) a very difficult situation, I think .. because your H is going through some really huge things right now and I think he is really feeling need for some kind of "support" from you. Not sure how that can be accomplished with you trying to disengage from his constant rollercoaster ride. Have you thought about individual counseling for yourself?
Nice to hear from you. H is seeing a C that we went to for MC last year, and I did have some IC with him afterwards. C knows where I am coming from and is probably trying to help H understand.
H is getting a lot of support from AA people and reading as well as IC. He is a very emotionally dependent person on one hand and then he can be as far away as the moon. His roller coaster - no middle ground or balance.
I like helping people a lot - but I don't like dependency - just as my kids. Early in our R, my H mentioned something about that part of my nature -and thought something was wrong with me. I didn't agree. I am the kind of person who will work harder than you on something if you are working it yourself - but if you arent' doing anything - I back off.
This makes it sometimes easy and often hard as my H works on himself and his problems, but not always. When he drops the ball he gets angry because he thinks I should be picking it up for him and I made it clear that it wasn't in the job description - when it really is about what I said earlier.
IMO, its best that your H is getting most of his support from his AA crowd right now. You can support but from a distance. That way if he does relapse again (I hope not) you will not be anywhere close to blame or get hurt again.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Had some thoughts today and before anyone starts in on me time - yesterday i washed my car, had my hair done, cleaned up the outdoors some, and today got a massage and did some reading and watched some old movies, made some purchases on line.
I was wondering why I fell in love in love with this man. I was wondering how I could still feel love and live with a man who is the cause of many difficult days and nights. I wondered how to separate the man from the illness.
Good for you for the hair and massage (and other stuff), I'd like to think that you feel better for it:)
I think you know the answer to your dilemma about separating the illness from the man. You can't, only he can. You can guide, support, assist by whatever means available as you are doing, but only one person can cure him.
You can love him because that's the sort of person you are, loving and giving. It's nothing to do with what he has done or how it hurts, it's your nature Kass. I'm glad to say, in one repsect, that you are stuck with it. I wouldn't want you any other way. Lose yourself, lose everything. Keep being the Kass that loves. It hurts sometimes, but it gives so much pleasure the rest of the time
I agree with Silva. You are a kind and giving person and that draws people to you. I have heard that about myself and the one down side to that is the flawed people are attracted to us and us to them. If you are like me you think you can 'fix' them...love them enough to get them through thier recovery. Doesn't work. They are the only ones that can do that work. We can be on the sideline cheering but not carry the load.
Sounds like you had some great me time. I am jealous!!!!
Hang in there Kass. I can see in your posts that you are growing so much and really questioning things. Me too. I think that is a good thing.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I forgot to ask you...what do your kids think about the sich?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
