Is he worried about keeping his job? Is he in an industry that churns and burns (ad agency, marketing agency)? My husband is in an industry that demands absolute flexibility, and the only reason I understand is because I used to be in it too. Otherwise, I would think that he is a workaholic.
Good that you have a friend to talk to. We're a much safer bunch because we're anonymous, though.
Check out nomoremrniceguy.com and see if anything rings a bell. When I stumbled on that website, it seemed to describe my husband in many ways. Maybe there are some answers there and even more in the book. If it's not accurate, don't bother buying the book, though.
He's an entrepreneur, so he does have to scramble a lot. The buck stops with him. He also has a second job, teaching a business class at a university. I never minded the real work hours though. On top of all that, every organization he gets involved with wants to get him on their board, or he ends up chairing their committees, or hosting their dinners, or running their networking events. Then when he finally gets home, he has an endless to-do list around the house. He really only stops to go to sleep, and he falls asleep no more than 30 seconds after his head hits the pillow.
I'm pretty bummed right now. There is a new-agey retreat center place about 6 hours away in the mountains, near where my parents live. They have a couples-massage weekend workshop coming up that I found today. I thought maybe that wouldn't be too threatening and would be good time to spend together and we could leave the kids with my parents who are right nearby. I asked H if he was available for that weekend (without even telling him what it was for.) As it turns out, he is booked that friday to chair a leadership retreat for one group he's involved with, and Saturday night is an awards gala he's supposed to go to. I told him I'd hoped to go away to a 'thing' with him with the kids at my parents'. He told me he's available the weekend before.
He sounds like he is well-regarded and in demand. That is admirable, but I can see how it will have to be a conscious choice for him to decide to make more time for you. All of that demand for his attention likely feeds his ego. Just curious: How much do you feed his ego? I would imagine that you are feeling hurt and that it is hard to do if you're feeling neglected.
As you progress through your journey (reading, posting, self-reflection, revelations) you'll find a new strength in your approach with him. You might discover, like I did, that you will find compassion for your husband (something that I could never find before because I was blind with anger, resentment, and hurt). Compassion for him, understanding, learning from MWD, Schnarch, possibly Glover, peers on this board, and some sign from him that he is willing to work WITH you will give you a whole new perspective.
I agree with DQ. Don't get hung up on what the 'thing' is. Find something great and GO the weekend prior. Be prepared to give him some time to handle work stuff -- he probably won't be able to shut it off much during the weekend.
He sounds like he is well-regarded and in demand. That is admirable, but I can see how it will have to be a conscious choice for him to decide to make more time for you. All of that demand for his attention likely feeds his ego. Just curious: How much do you feed his ego? I would imagine that you are feeling hurt and that it is hard to do if you're feeling neglected.
Oh wow, now there is something I never thought of. He is in tremendous demand from all of these extracurricular organizations. He's charismatic, outgoing, well put togther, and full of leadership skills they need. I'm sure he feels constantly appreciated.
And what does he get at home? Hardly the hero's reception he gets outside. From my side, why would I congratulate him for making it home in time for 7:30 dinner maybe once every two weeks?
From his side, I can see how my resentment wouldn't motivate him too much to make it home earlier.
I've done one thing new to change things, at least for me and the kids, that maybe will help him to see that there are reasons to come home by 7:30. Up until December (when I read a book on Work Addicition) I was allowing his unpredictable schedule to make havoc of the kids' dinner. I didn't want to make dinner twice in one night, and then some nights I'd expect him but I'd have missed that he would be out. Other nights he'd leave late and have traffic, or he'd have a last minute meeting. I always had meat going bad because I meant to cook it, but then he wasn't going to be there, and it wasn't a kid-friendly food, etc. Or I was trying to time a meal without knowng what time he'd leave the office. Or he'd surprise me by coming home and I'd be unprepared.
In December I told him that dinner was at 7:30 and if he could be there, great. If not, I would try to save some for him (however we do have teenagers . . .) This helped me and the kids tremendously, but H still made it home in time less than once a work-week. I thought 7:30 was pretty reasonable, and honestly the latest I can go with 4 hungry kids to feed.
I've made another change this past week. I cleaned out the dining room completely, bought cloth napkins and a casual table cloth, a new set of dishes and flatware, and have started having real family dinners at 7:30. No more kids eating at the counter. These are real dinners with real manners, and it's feeling really good whether H shows up or not. He's come home at the tail end a couple times now and has looked surprised to realize he's missing something . . . which reminds me, I need to go out and buy a trivet to complete my table and I'm rambling on far longer than I meant to.
But thanks for that insight. I will try harder to project my happiness that he is with us again, when he comes home.
What you're doing for your family meals is a beautiful ritual that will enrich the lives of everyone sitting at that table. A family meal, in my opinion, lies right in the heart of life. To respect it is to enjoy life and love. Your husband IS missing out. Maybe he'll join in soon.
Good way to handle the meal situation. You're respecting yourself and your kids. A leftover plate is a lovely thing to do for your hubby. It is "feeding your man," but not punishing everyone else for his erratic schedule.
Keep enjoying your family time!
And, don't forget to secure that weekend with your hubby to get away together!
I'm Jayce, and I've been on here since end of last summer, I think. My very first reaction to your posts was WOW!! The guy voluntarily goes to counseling!! Double WOW. If you have time to read thru a lot of posts, you'll see that that's particularly unusual. A lot of us are struggling do-it-yourselfers.
A good Catholic mama's boy/surrogate husband probably has felt responsible all his life & was conditioned to be achievement driven. Hard not to respond to all those requests for his talent & time. No thought that someone else could do it. Possibly all that approval from other men fills a void from having no dad present? Whatever, he needs a major shake up and I'm surprised he didn't hit this a few years ago. Not enjoying life and wondering how he got to where he is.
Might be fun to ask him when he was 10 what he wanted to be when he grew up. Or what we used to (before inflation) call the millionaire game: If money were no object, if you won $50 mill today, what would you do tomorrow or with the rest of your life, that kind of hypothetical can be fun, but it can also cause a bit of thinking, especially if the first answer is "I don't know" because most people have at least some fantasy of life with no financial constraints. Some therapists ask a variation of that kind of question at some point. Therapy attempts to get people to think and talk and eventually realize what's going on, what to do, etc.
Seriously, tho, low testosterone may cause lack of libido, but the cause of that low T may be fixable without the side effects of T replacement which is kind of a last resort for most doctors and then only if the man is having erectile difficulty.
In my long, sometimes scary, research I came across the key to a puzzle I had. My H has sleep apnea which means he doesn't actually sleep all night, but wake up many times an hour for just a few seconds. Not enough to be aware of, but in severe cases causes so much fatigue that guys may fall asleep anywhere during the day. There are phases of sleep, you've probably noticed the REM, rapid eye movement if you watch your kids sleep. Each phase has a purpose. Guys have erections in their sleep, are unaware of them, and do not have erotic dreams during them. They are the body's way of keeping the machinery in working order. Annnd...finally I came across the key: their bodies manufacture the big T during sleep at night. The whole 8 hour thing, not just naps. So if they either aren't getting enough sleep or their sleep is disturbed by something like apnea, they aren't making much T.
They draw blood to test T levels in the a.m. cuz that's when its highest. Mystifying my sense of logic because wouldn't that mean its lower as the day goes on? So someone "who is on the low side of normal" in the a.m. may be down to, well pretty low late in the day. Supposedly that's why some guys like to ML in the a.m.
By itself, giving him T isn't going to fix him. In a way its like the Viagras & Cialses and other drugs to facilitate erections. The drug makes it physiologically possible, but if the guy isn't into it mentally..
Ohe of Michelle's books is Getting Through to the Man You Love. It helped me A LOT. I can get really prickly, crabby, criticizing and all of that when I can't get H to make positive efforts. I also read the Mars/Venus thing which helped understand the differences in the way we communicate. I have no brothers, so had no one to observe growing up. What I saw as contrary or ignoring is a characteristic & there are ways to work around it.
I'm probably notorious for writing books instead of notes, so I'm gone for now, but hang in. The more you can read/learn get out of counseling, the better the chance for improvement. Jayce
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
We saw the new MC last Thursday. I like her a lot better--she cares about saving the relationship unlike the last guy.
But what scares me is that H--who's idea it was to go into MC--seems to think that all he has to do is schedule me and the therapist in for that 50 minutes a few times a month and the problems will magically go away.
He doesn't understand that if he doesn't know what is bothering him, he needs to take some time and think about it. I'm really frustrated. I do appreciate that he wants to get counseling, but that's all he wants. Otherwise he is putting no effort into our marriage, no time into thinking about what the MC says, no effort into changing anything. It's as if he doesn't even think about it between sessions. It's completely compartmentalized.
We went out together after our last session with the new MC. This was good, because with the old MC I cried all the way home each time. Anyway, I told H that the only thing in the world I wanted, which by the way may also save him time and money, was for him to read Chapman's book on Love Languages. I read it last week and it gave me so much hope and so much understanding. He told me he would do it. He had to host a dinner in town for some of his students Friday night, then go to a university faculty event early Saturday morning, so he would get a room in town and read Friday night after the dinner. Then he would read when he got home Saturday, and all day Sunday if he had to.
Friday night, he finished with the students at 10PM and then fell asleep. Saturday he got home at 4 PM, watched a movie, ate dinner, then fell asleep in front of TV watching Sponge Bob with our S11. Sunday, he went to church, mowed the (large) yard, went for an 8 mile run, swept and cleaned out the garage, then announced that the evening would be totally devoted to grading papers which he absolutely had to finish that night.
When I asked him about the reading, he blew up at me (as much as a nonconfrontational person can, I suppose) and started listing all the other things he didn't do, like pay the bills and work on the taxes. Should he just drop everything, and only do the things I want him to do?
I reminded him that he had made a special point of promising to read the book this weekend (all I did was ask him to read it--he was the one who made the grand promises for the weekend of reading) THen he started up with the "I guess I'm just that lousy of a husband, then, aren't I? I failed again. That's what you think. I'm just lousy. There you have it. You're right. I am."
He went to bed and I went to cry in the bathroom for an hour.
He's the one who "is questioning everything." He is the one who wanted me to go with him to an MC. But now that he's blown the roof off my stable (if lonely) life, he's too busy to deal with it--or it just doesn't have enough priority to warrant attention.
He's supposed to get the results of his testosterone test today. Somehow I feel like it just doesn't matter.
The new MC also extracted a promise from him that as homework this week, he would find a way to initiate ML (we haven't for 7 months since I quit initiating.) I'm trying not to have defeatist thinking. This is probably where I should be acting 'as if' but I'm fairly positive it won't happen.
