Hello everyone, 2 weeks ago My Husband and I had sex and cuddles up all afternoon, 10pm that night he decided he no longer loved me. He just said it. I'm devastated. I've lost a stone and had to go to the doctors for sleeping tablets.
There is no one else, he wouldn't have the time. He assures me that he is not fond or thinking about anyone else. I was a total mess, crying begging the first day, since then I've read just about every book on this subject but nothing, not even DR shows how to react when they say they don't know why they don't love you.
I made sure every night last week that I was out the house when he came home. He is texting asking what I want for dinner but no affection.
I know you guys must have heard this all before but we were the couple everyone said were the most loving, well suited. We used to go to bed together and texted loads of time each day.
I feel like I'm in mouring it's so bad.
He has been married before, his w left him. She is always in the background as he pays her his pension in the deal they had. I admit this ha always bugged me but he says its not that. I believe him. He doesn't bother at all about her.
He has just sold his business (he hated it, made him miserable) he has made a fortune and now in a job 3 weeks which he says he loves. There was a 6 week delay in getting the money and he was very stressed about that, the week leading up to this he was waking at 3am in the morning. He used to say that I made everything better and sometimes he would just look at me and say I love you so much.
He wanted to emigrate last year and we visited the place he wanted to go, I was very unsure about it but said I'd go anywhere with him, he kept saying I needed to want to go. Then a week before he tells me he no longer loves me he said we would forget about emigrating as the housing market was not stable. We don't have any kids either.
He said he is not depressed and I don't think he is, he seems happy enough. He said it's killing him how much he has hurt me. I just want to hold him again.
We both had good social circle with own friend and each other. I just can't understand. I've spent a fortune on buying e-books but it's all mind games.
I asked him to dinner sat night (last night here) and he was miserable and bit drunk, moaned about everything.
I asked to discuss things today and he said that he still has no idea why he feels like this but that he wants to try sort it. His words were 'I think we have to try don't we'. He said even if he didn't want to try he would for me because I asked him to.
He is sleeping in spare room and I said I hoped that we would be able to sleep in same room again but that I realised this was very hard for him too. He is still not sleeping well, I hear him up during the night. He feels it's too soon to be in same room because he doesn't want to keep me up.
I have a concert on Wed but said I'd cancel it for the counsellor but he said it would do me good to get out. He really is a decent respectful man so I;m now worried that he is trying to help me out this marriage. I feel like I've been torn apart.
I know it will be a slow slow process but I just don't know where to start.
Sorry this is so long
Should add we met 5 years ago and married 3 years ago.
First I want to say welcome and I'm sorry that you find yourself here but this is a great bunch of people.
I am sort of at a loss for words for you, which anyone who knows me will laugh at, but I feel like there are some puzzle pieces missing from your story.
It is obvious that something is going on simply by the fact that he isn't sleeping at night. And it kinda sounds like his head has been all over the place for a while now. Maybe this is just his normal personality who knows.
Right now, you have to realize that this is a slow process and even DB will sort of sound like head games once in a while. You also have to recognize that what he is saying and reality may not match up. This is a good place to vent your feelings, share your concerns and just get support. Right now I don't feel like there is enough detail to offer more than a welcome and an invitation to share more. You sort of ticked things off the check list but didn't give much detail at all.
Post, journal, read others situations and post to those who strike something in you. People will come.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
I see what you're saying, not sure how else to put it, that is exactly how it happened. He wasn't sleeping for the week leading up to this and I asked what was wrong but he just kept saying that he was stressed, tired from selling his business.
He has always hated owning it, he used to come home to me depressed talking about it and I was always there listening to him telling him that his happiness was more important than anything.
I will read DR again. I'm very sure that it is something I have done/been doing but there is no way it could be not showing him how much I love and respect him. Mind you, I would have said the same re his thought of me a couple of weeks ago. This has come from nowhere and I can't get my head around it.
I wasn't a keen on emigrating but I felt that he was rushing into it. I just wanted him to see if he liked the new job first then decide. He tells me that loves new job, best thing he ever did was sell business. He seems happy enough, he feels bad for hurting me but he is not like a stranger.
I'm rambling, I know I am. Just so so hurt, confused and sad just now. Don't know how we're going to get through this. I don't want this to happen. I love him so much, Maybe too much.
It may not be someting that you are or were doing. In fact although we all contribute to our marriages in many ways, nothing is usually just the fault of one person.
You mentioned that he was depressed while owning his own business. Now he is happy with his job. That is a step in the right direction. But it may also be a sort of awakening of someting in him. He thought the depression was all about the job and maybe now he is realizing it wasn't just that. It may not be any one specific thing causing those feelings but in looking for a reason for it he may now be focusing on his home life. I don't want to say he is still depressed but in my experience with depressed people (and I've had a lot of it), it sounds like that may be a part of it. Just something to think about.
Still reread the book. It will give you a good idea how to start to get yourself on a better plane than you are right now and even though you don't want to lose your M, all you can do is take care of yourself and see what sort of impact it may have. Is he willing to go to counseling?
Where does he want to emigrate to and why?
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Regrets, have you looked into midlife crisis? I know he seems a bit young, but I've heard it can be early. I hear some of my husband in the story you tell. Mine has not gone so far as to say he doesn't love me, but what really strikes a chord is how you say he doesn't know why he feels this way.
Mine doesn't know why he's dissatisfied either. I can tell him everything that is wrong on my side. I can tell him everything he can do to relight the emotional connection from my end. But all of my questions to him come up unanswered. He doesn't know why he feels this way. He doesn't know what I can do to help. He doesn't know why he isn't interest in sex. He doesn't know! Sometimes he writes down the questions and says he'll ask his therapist. Aaaargh.
I'm still learning how to deal with this. Good luck to you, and check out the forum on Mid-life crisis if you haven't already. It may be nothing of the kind, or you may find something there to help. Reading it gave me at least a small measure of peace.
He wanted to go to Australia last year, he hates it here (UK), not really specific about why he hates it. I just thought it was because of the job.
Moonlocks, I am convinced it's early MLC, he ha always went to gym though and always buying himself expensive stuff. It makes sense because of the sudden changes re emigrating, selling the business, stopped going to football games but still went to pub to drink and watch it. He never missed a game.
He just doesn't seem depressed, he is whistling away now and then and I just want to punch him. I know depression doesn't mean you have to be withdrawn and crying all the time but he is sad/confused about something. My instinct tells me it's not me.
He really is a nice, wonderful man, he's not blaming me at all, he called to see how I was because I was so upset earlier.
He is coming to see a counsellor. I said I wanted him to do it because he wanted to save our marriage. He said he wanted to try he said 'I think we've got to try' He then said that even if he didn't want to go, he would for me because I've asked him.
I'm glad I went into work even though I got sent home, all the girls have called me and they are all telling me that they'll help me through this.
It's weird because I'm always the one that cheers people up and make people laugh and listens to them. It's strange being on the other end.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply.
Hi Regrets, I am truly sorry... I was in more or less exactly this position a year ago where my loving husband announced he no longer loved me and left - all within 5 minutes, and I honestly understand just how devastating it is. You feel like your world is torn apart and that you can no longer trust your judgement. Hang in there Regrets, and don't blame yourself. My husband was only a year older than yours and it was / is most definately a MLC. There are so many men going through this earlier in their lives these days... and often brought on by some other life changing thing - a friend or family death / or maybe the emigration thing, they suddenly equate it to being unhappy with everything in their life. I honestly can say that my DB coach pulled me through, along with my faith, and it DOES and WILL get better, whatever the outcome. Dont forget about you in all of this, the chances are you are not to blame and its something he has to go through. Keep hold of your friends, let them help you through it, but not take sides... it doesnt help matters. Dont worry about your confusion, its temporary, and you will start thinking more clearly given a little more time. Look after yourself, try and stay happy - at least around him, let him see what he will be missing out on if he leaves. Stay strong, you will get through this!!! I wish you luck and some peace
I am very hopeful... and yes, its taking longer than I ever imagined, but sometimes it does I guess, and if he is worth waiting for, then there is nothing wrong with holding on. Hang in there Regrets, find something that calms you when you get upset, and remember when you feel really down, its only a 'wobbly' moment and temporary. Good luck
Thanks Beary. I was just watching SATC and remembered our holiday in New York and I actually felt a pain in my heart. I had to stop myself rushing to him to get a cuddle.
I keep saying it's only been two weeks, I've had three panic attacks since it happened and thought I was about to have another.
My H is very much so worth waiting for. I love him with all my heart and he knows this.
