Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that.
3 years ago, a woman laid in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know who they were.
She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got her. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.
She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?
She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.
He was cold, hard, in a fog.
She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.
She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.
She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.
When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.
She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?
By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.
When no one was watching, she cried. She cried til she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's losing so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.
She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.
He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.
The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.
She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.
Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.
Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a WAW. She wanted you to know.
to be continued
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey SC - WOW! I actually remember reading this the first time. It actually helped me feel compassion in my own sitch. Here you are almost 9 months later. Probably feels like 5 years for you. I honestly can't think of anything that you haven't done or tried already. Just wanted you to know that I'm here or in the alt uni. I'm praying for you - you've been through so much. That post makes me shudder at times. I'm sure my W went through a lot of the same emotions and thoughts. I just wish I knew. I just wish she communicated better to me. I know you did that. Man this stuff is not easy.
HUGS
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I think you are indescribably brave and strong. I know you are working hard to sort out what is best for you and your family. I am not writing to offer any opinion, just my support as you work through your process.
Today this same woman is a totally different woman. She lays in bed at night pondering, but sure about her decisions. She knows that she always has a way out.
She can leave. She has two good jobs in front of her. A couple of ways of putting food on the table for the children she loves. She's making choices & it is a 2nd chance. Change like this can be a threat or an opportunity. She sees opportunity.
She tried talking to him. He heard for a while, then he went back to not hearing. He is still not hearing. She asked him this morning if he would reconsider moving out of this home & slowing things down. He said he would not reconsider. He's not leaving this house. No matter what she wants.
She'll never feel trapped again. She'll never let anyone treat her this way again. She'll decide for herself if someone is a good person. She loves herself enough to meet her own needs.
She's thought long & hard about the best thing to do. She can no longer let her children see this as an example of how marriage should be.
She doesn't hate him, she just no longer has any love in her heart for him. They are living like polite strangers.
She has salvaged what was left of her, & it has grown & strengthened & blossomed. Like a sapling in a breeze, it grows a thicker stronger trunk than one with no resistance.
Her heart is tucked away in bubble wrap. It will be safe there for a while.
She's not numb at all. She's alive.
She took her son to the aquarium the other day. She had been there at least 8 times before on field trips. This time was different. This time she SAW everything. The textures, the colors, the patterns, the designs. She had looked at the same sphere tank of jelly fish eight times before & never marveled at the pink lacey tendrils that undulated behind them. She had never appreciated the intricate details on the crocodile, how it resembled stamped concrete, or the carved designs on the forehead of the barracuda. She shared all of this & more with her son. It was a beautiful experience, to be fully present in the moment. Not worrying about anything or anyone else.
She's taking care of herself. She's still going to counseling. She's going out with girlfriends again (Bunco !! ). She's no longer a self-imposed hermit. She's dancing & singing in the kitchen while fixing dinner. She's playing games with her kids. She feels alive & better than she's felt in years.
She's sleeping, she's eating, & she's not angry & frustrated.
You can call her whatever you want. She no longer cares what the "masses" think of her.
To all my friends, you know where to find me.
It's been a journey that's for sure.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey SC - likewise...the post at the top was also an awakening for me...and it was the first time I truly got some insight into how my W must have felt...not that its much comfort to you right now - but I was truly grateful to you at that time, although it was painful to read, for bringing about some understanding. It was a heartfelt, brave post and FWIW I think its done much to help the men on this board...
I'm truly sorry your sitch isn't swinging around the way you hoped and deserved - heaven knows you've tried...time to try something different eh?
All I can offer are virtual hugs ((((SC)))) and very very best wishes to you and yours...
I read this and I just want to go find my wife and tell her how very, very sorry I am. Not because I am trying to convince her or win her back, but because I am really truly sorry for the pain she has gone through. I hurt for her just thinking about it.
Thank you for posting this.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Your first post here has touched me everytime I've read it and I got more understanding out of that post than I have anywhere else - relating to how my W might feel. Thank you.
Then there's where you are today:
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
She took her son to the aquarium the other day. She had been there at least 8 times before on field trips. This time was different. This time she SAW everything. The textures, the colors, the patterns, the designs. She had looked at the same sphere tank of jelly fish eight times before & never marveled at the pink lacey tendrils that undulated behind them. She had never appreciated the intricate details on the crocodile, how it resembled stamped concrete, or the carved designs on the forehead of the barracuda. She shared all of this & more with her son. It was a beautiful experience, to be fully present in the moment. Not worrying about anything or anyone else.
Before I got to the end of this passage, I thought, how wonderful for you to be so much in the present moment - then you wrote the same thought. I'm so happy for you, and I'm trying to avoid saying "but sorry for your M...". There comes a time for many of us to not look back and take the bridge in front of us. Across a valley of despair, to a different life - which can be a beautiful and wonderous one if we choose.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I know that your first post in this thread wasn't your "first post" - I was just referring to that post (the eloquent WAW story of yours) as I've found it months ago when I first joined the boards last summer and have re-read it several times. Re-reading it now, is still painful as I think my W is in the same boat. I feel for her, for you and for me for the mess at times.
But in your thread here, it is contrasted by your wonderful growth, and healing, if not for your M, more so for yourself - bravo!
In reading your first, first post, you even sound more like my W's initial description of our M and her feelings when we first went to MC - so filled of anger and resentment. I also vowed to change and was impatient for her healing. I have changed in many ways, but now, I am DETACHED and am not dreading the parting of ways anymore.
You've come a long way and I love watching yours and others' journeys of personal growth and strengthening day by day. Here's to a great present and a perfect tomorrow.
