Is love a decision?

[Sara]

A couple of threads today are dealing with the question of is love a feeling, a commitment, a decision, or what?

I am of the opinion that love is both a feeling and a decision. I used to believe that I was swept away by love, as if shot by Cupid's arrow. And that worked well for new love, but that kind of love often faded as quickly as it came. Many times because the feelings came before I really got to know the other person. So I have had to admit to myself that I created those feelings within myself.

I now realize that I have the ability to create a favorable environment for love to blossom as a feeling in my heart and mind. For example, if I meet a handsome new man who shows interest in me, that man starts to appear in my thoughts. I can have good thoughts or not so good thoughts about him. By allowing the good thoughts, allowing the idea of him to stimulate me in that way, creates the love feeling in me. I build a nest for love to thrive in. Once that nest is created, feelings of love come into my heart.

On the other hand I can choose not to love. With my husband I found that easy. I could focus on things he did or said that I didn't like. I could look at the mess on his side of the room, the way he closes the door when he is alone in our bedroom (as if to shut me out), the fact that he doesn't do much work around the house, and I get angry. That anger closes my heart and shreds the nest of love.

I had to learn to not focus on those things. To just open the door and walk through it, to pick up his side of the room when it bothers me, to ask him to stay and help me in the kitchen after dinner. Honestly, none of those things took a lot of effort on my part, but for over 20 years I did not do them.

Now my husband, who 2 years ago was planning to divorce me and marry his old girlfriend, is so in love with me, that it surprises me. This week I am sick. On Sunday he made a pot of chicken soup for me. On Monday night while I was in the bedroom coughing all night, he took a blanket and went and slept on the sofa without saying a word. And he still kissed me goodbye in the morning! This is not the same man I was married to for the last 20 years. That man was a grump and blamed me for everything. But because we learned to choose to love each other and act loving toward each other, we have both changed.

Coach said "love is a decision" is a mantra of Retrouvaille. Certainly, that is where I learned it. I didn't believe it the first time they told it to me, when they said to write it very big in my notebook. My mind argued against it. But we were Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods, and they had a trail of breadcrumbs which they told us led to a happier life, so I followed every step of the path they took us on. And now it is 2 years later, and yes, they are right. Love is a decision. And even after 20 years of living in hostility, it was not too late to make the decision to love, to trust, to commit, and to forgive.

I welcome your thoughts.

[kat727]

I believe it is a feeling and a decision as well. My ex got caught up with the "feeling" with is affair partner and determined that he must not love me because he hadn't had "that' feeling for quite a while.

I told him you couldn't sustain that feeling of "new love"...your body would give out. He thought I was lying. Actually I think it was the other way around he lied to justify his leaving.

But anyway, you choose to stay because of commitment, family and a mature love that has developed and created a bond. The first love feeling passes and with it many an affair(unless of course they rush off and get married and then you get another divorce!)

Just my take.

kat

[hope3343]

Sara, I think God lead me to your post today. I, like you, thought love was a feeling, emotion, swept away -- all those romantic stories you watch at the movies.
Yes it starts with attraction, but as we know that fades in the everyday life. My C also told me love was a choice. I was doubtful.

Then I really thought about it and there were many times in my M that not only did I not love my H but couldn't stand him! But then I would think about it and "choose" to love him again.

We got in a rut and now my H choses the OW. He is in "love" and has filed D papers last month. This is not my choice but H does not want to work on the M.

I would love to read about your journey, since we both had long term M and your H changed his mind? How. Can you send me the link.

I do feel committed to this M but I stand alone. Thanks for starting this thread.

[Sara]

Hope,

Here is a link to my other thread. I have my story posted at the beginning of the thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1724244&page=0&fpart=1

[NoCodeBlues]

It is too bad that the English language uses one word for all the connotations of "love". The Greeks had at least four different words for the varying types of Love -- Eros, Agape, Storge, Philos.

Too many people assume the emotion-driven love, called Eros by the Greek, is a real lasting love. Certainly that is part of what is needed for a healthy marital R, but it is not the most important part. I think for it to be a lasting love, the kind that God intended in a M, it is comprised more of the Agape form of Love. Agape comes of a conscious and willful choice, it is not forced upon us by some Cupid-driven and transient emotion.

As far as whether it is decision, I agree with what has already been said above (obviously, see my sig.) Eros may be sparked by an unbidden emotion, but real love, Agape-type love, is a decision.

In my own case, I can remember the exact circumstances and the events when I decided I was not only in love with my now STBXW but that I decided I would love her. I made a conscious decision to choose between going with my emotions and to give my love to her, or to not do so. I made a choice in that moment that I was going to love this woman forever.

These last twenty months have been an excruciating exercise in trying to undo that decision made nearly 19 years ago, while trying to maintain my meager sanity in the process. Some would say I have already lost my sanity, or there was not much to be lost anyway.

[Yoyowife]

Yes, I would say love is a decision. There are many times in my 22 year marriage my H has given me reasons not to love him. This was even prior to the separation and affair.

However, I like many people did not take my marriage vows lightly. Throw the children in there and you have a lifetime commitment. Well, that's the way God planned it anyway. When things were tough I chose to love my H because he was my lifemate and the father of my children. I chose to honor my H and my marriage...

[whatdidido]

I have nothing to add, but am here to say I agree with everything everyone has said, and I'm glad there is a positive thread talking about it. Thanks, Sara.

[Sara]

Surely there must be someone here who is willing to argue that love is not a decision! We can't all agree.

[newgal]

I think for some people love is a decision and for some people love is a feeling. For me, it is definitely a decision and feeling, for my H, it is definitely a feeling only right now. Love is different things to different people, based on their life experiences, I think.

If you are asking, SHOULD it be a decision, then I would have to say, again, some people would think yes and some people would think no. At this point in his life, my H would not think love should be a decision, that it should be a feeling and it should just come.

[hope3343]

Hi Sara, I think even for waywards when they set themselves up for these A, there is a moment in time when they have to act and make a choice.

How many times do people flirt but never cross that line. You could say you would be swept away with love but it is that finite line that do you have to make that choice and allow yourself to get swept away and "fall in love". Once that happens then it is hard to seperate your choice from your feelings. eg. Romeo and Juliet -- and look what happened to them!