Like all things in life, everything that happens has some good and some bad effects.
With our separation, I have a lot more time to practice guitar, and I have become better over the last four months than I had over the last four years.
However, I'd rather have my family together again. But focusing on the positive aspects helps keep me sane.
Keep going. You seem to be doing as well as any of us can.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Well not too much new going on since W moved out last month. She has been out of the country for the last 2 weeks, so I have been very lucky in having the girls full time - enjoying every minute of it. W has written a few emails, mostly address to me and the girls however a couple have been directly to me.
My latest issue (if you want to call it that) is I also decided to dip my toe in the water and go on match.com. I figured I have been without a partner for the last 18 months. My W has shown no interest in working on the marriage, no interest in being intimate with me, and has now moved out. So what the heck. Well now there is a woman who is interested in meeting up with me and all of a sudden I am feeling guilty and I don't understand why. All that has been proposed is simply meeting up for a cup of coffee which is pretty innocent and it's not like I am looking to meet someone and start a long term relationship or even an intense intimate one. It would be nice to have some companionship to go to dinner or a movie, some physical intimacy would be a bonus (hugs and kisses).
Is what I feeling normal or is it a red flag that I'm not ready to take this step yet?
Hi Searching, I don't see what harm a coffee would do. If you feel you are not ready after meeting her then you don't have to pursue it and then you'll know either way. JMO.
I think that's pretty good advice - thanks. Afterall 18 months is a pretty long time to wait for someone to start having feelings for you. I need to realize that the train left the station on this marriage when it moved out of the house and into a 1 year lease somewhere else.
Well, allthough my stxH NEVER left me completely alone, he did have almost a period of 8 months that we were polite to each other but he showed no romantic interest whatsoever towards me. And 2 years later, he says he loves me, never stopped. Time is a very relevant thing. I think you can feel if everything is "gone" or not and still things could change (not saying they will but...).
match.com=go for it. You probably feel guilty because I figured, in my case, when I detached and subsequently fell for a wonderful man, in my head, I knew that since I was the one keeping the M together (in my head), since I had given up, I was destroying the last chances we had. Not strangely, my happiness and dropping the rope, triggered what happened.
match.com=go for it. You probably feel guilty because I figured, in my case, when I detached and subsequently fell for a wonderful man, in my head, I knew that since I was the one keeping the M together (in my head), since I had given up, I was destroying the last chances we had.
K,
Wow - you hit it right on the head, 100% correct. This is exactly what is bugging me. I do feel like I'm the only one who hasn't given up on the marriage and if I throw in the towel everything is truly over. However I'm starting to realize that clinging to something that only one person (me) wants, is actually hanging on to something that really isn't there. Thanks for the insight.
Even though my H moved out only 2 months ago, I have felt alone in the marriage for about the last 2 years, other than a few good times, its has been very lonely. I too have thought about getting on match.com and meeting someone, as you said "It would be nice to have some companionship to go to dinner or a movie, some physical intimacy would be a bonus (hugs and kisses)"
These are things I really miss and want in my life. But when I think about starting the dating process or even a simple date, I get physically ill to my stomach. Guilt? Nerves? Anxiety? Probably all of it...
But how long do we put our lives on hold, especially not knowing what or if anything will every come of it?
I say go for it..why not..what have you got to lose! Enjoy yourself, be happy..maybe it will those things that make your W come back..if thats what you want!
Thanks Lost. The way I look at it, I have put myself on hold for the past 18 months. While I have absolutely no problem with being on hold - in fact I would gladly stay on hold, IF there is the possibility and supporting evidence that my WAS is willing to put forth some true effort and try and save the marriage.
So I did end up meeting for coffee, it was okay but no sparks or real interest by either her or I. It felt more like I was on a job interview to be honest. I think that on my end there was no chemistry because right now I'm not quite ready for this step yet. That was clear to me when I was sitting in my car before going into the coffee shop telling myself that the best outcome would be if she didn't show up!
Who knows maybe I'll be ready in a week, month, or year. Hoping for sooner rather than later - I really do miss having a companion. It has become very lonely, especially when I'm out and see other couples.
So yesterday was my birthday. I was able to spend most of the day with just my two daughters, which was nice. WAS came over in the late afternoon with a cake she had made for me (which was nice) and for dinner. After dinner we both took the girls out for trick or treating. Came back to the house had cake and I opened presents. She gave me a card that was appropriate for a long lost Aunt or Uncle. I know that I should NOT have expected more, but dammit I was so hoping for just a little bit more.
