I've decided to start a new thread. My heart and soul are in my old threads, and they are precious to me. But, they have served their purpose and it is time to push them out to sea like a viking or eskimo funeral. I've asked our kind moderators to lock them up so that the tender soul of Old Lucky doesn't have to linger in purgatory, awaiting a painful discovery by any of my family (God forbid).
Hi Lucky. Old posts actually do get buried pretty quickly. I put a whole lot too much info on some of my older ones too, and thankfully, I know now they are buried so deep no one is likely to ever find them. It was a great way to get some "stuff" out, though...it helped me a lot to process it by way of typing it out.
Hope you had a good weekend, do you have an update for us?
We had a nice weekend, but I was feeling a bit sick (a cold) and exhausted. I was also in a bit of a funk because I realize that I'm paralyzed in a cooking/eating, exercise like a fiend, never lose weight place. I know it should be simple. Just eat less and the weight will come off eventually, but in the meantime just accept and love yourself and find your sexy within. I'm just not happy with my weight, and I'm mad at myself for how hard it is for me to stop eating. I'm not gigantic, but I'm not where I want to be. I think it's important that I do something about it so I can feel better. How ridiculous that this is an issue at all. Why can't I get control over it? That's part of the funk I was in. I kept thinking about your post ("get over it") and wishing I could swallow it down and have it become a part of me. What am I resisting? I'm not sure.
H was folding laundry last night. He came up from behind while I was doing dishes, and kissed my neck. He had glassy eyes. He said "I love you, and I love our life no matter how hard it gets with money and everything." He said that he was folding the baby's clothes and then all of my crazy socks (I wear fun socks for the baby), and it made him happy.
This morning, he was groping me and kissing me passionately when he was leaving. He asked if I'm feeling better and I told him I am.
Seems that focusing on my own issues has minimized my focus on our sex life. I have to be careful about getting too wound up in my head!
Lucky, trust me I do understand not feeling like you look like you want to look and how it can eat at you.
So you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
And that means either just accept the size you are now and get your sexy on, or lose some weight if that is what will make you feel better/sexier.
I'm so happy you got some passionate kisses and him reassuring you about loving you....aw....makes me smile all big inside!!
As for focusing on your own issues instead of the sex life, well, I think that's where we are all supposed to be. From that place, you can work on yourself. Then after you've done your work, you can lead by example. Then from there, everything kinda clears itself up....really, it does.
Not sure I ever posted on this. Because of my issues with intimacy (fear and shame), I always wanted a man to "take me" against my will so that I wouldn't have to "act like a whore."
When I watch pigeons in the park, I always think that it's just like being in a bar. I would stand there and wait for a man to come pecking around. I would either reject him if I didn't like him, have an anonymous one night stand with him, or, just like a female pigeon, make it difficult for him so that he had to pursue harder (play the caveman) and break through my resistance. It never worked (I think plenty of great guys gave up quickly because they thought I just didn't like them). I was convinced that someday MY man would do it.
Since I met H at work, we eased into a relationship through friendship. When he first met me, he tried to talk to me. He told me later in our R that he thought I didn't like him because I wasn't very receptive.
I sabotaged myself all those years. And I have NO practice on being the seductress, the stripper, or the dominant one. Of course, this old dog is committed to learning new tricks!
Though I'm now throwing away my pigeon ways forever, I still think the caveman thing is hot. Must be stuck in my psyche somewhere forever, much like the GGW thing is for DQ.
DQ posted a link to a book published by Toys in Babeland (it's black with four colored boxes on the front). I bought that book about 5 years ago along with many other sex books and porn DVDs in hopes that it would help our sex life. H hid all of it in his underwear drawer and never read any of it. I dug it out this morning and started a pile next to my side of the bed. I want to read them to learn more about my body, and I want to unearth the intimacy that we've both allowed to be buried for so long.
Your H has untapped potential. He is currently hidden behind a curtain, due to whatever insecurities or issues he has. But lets pretend for a moment we could whisk away that curtain.
*MAYBE* you would find out that within himself, he has a fantasy of forcefully taking you against your will and having his way with you?
*MAYBE* you would find out that he is seething with desire and wishes to be led into a new and fantastic sort of love life?
*MAYBE* you would find out that everything you've ever wanted is right there inside of him?
You don't really know and he doesn't really know, because he hasn't been set free (from his demons) to really try things out.
You haven't mentioned the sex therapy thing on here lately, unless I've missed it. Have you brought that up to him yet? What steps have you taken?
Lucky, I get sad for people around here when they stop TALKING to each other about the problem. Because I know from experience that the only way I may have saved my previous marriage is if I would have forced the issues one way or another, to a point of resolution. Not talking about it gave us the relief of not having to deal with difficult issues at that time. But guess how much MORE difficult a divorce is?
I'm afraid that you are retreating into yourself instead of forging ahead, talking with him, pushing the envelope, and standing up for your sexuality. I'm afraid that you have basically dropped the subject with him while you are telling yourself that things are getting better.
But again...he is an untapped quantity....*what if* you got him into sex therapy and a whole new, wild, caveman full of sexuality emerged?? Isn't it worth the risk of trying it at least?
I am always beating on the drum saying "TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE, THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO FIX THIS"....because I see too many times that not talking about problems = death to marriage.
Hmmmm... Yes, I have retreated a bit from talking because I've been so consumed with reading and thinking through revelations and issues within myself this past week. And, I've been relatively happy with the change that I've seen so far. But, you make a very good point (not talking=divorce).
I haven't pushed sex therapy or any therapy for that matter because our money situation is really tight. We simply don't have the money. I have a list of sex therapists prepared, though. Ugh. Is there any other way to explore this together? There is not one other thing we can give up now. We've cut out all unnecessary expenses so that I can be home with the baby.
Maybe I should just talk to him about sex therapy and see how he responds.
No health insurance? Counseling is usually covered on health insurance, and sometimes marital/couples counseling is covered, and sometimes you can get a referral from there to sex therapy and it will still be covered. Have you checked into this to make sure there is not "free" therapy out there for you that you hadn't realized before?
In fact, I was amazed to find out that my insurance was willing to cover my couples counseling with my fiance even though we are not married...and in part of that counseling he went to a couple of visits by himself and they STILL covered it.
Well... We have health insurance, and I will check if it's covered. BUT, he refuses to have any kind of counseling go through his insurance. He insists on all cash. He is sure that the system is evil and that he/we will be pegged as "crazy." I've been down the road of trying to convince him before... It's not pretty.
Wow Lucky....Just not sure what to say. You are tacitly accepting *his* fear about being seen as crazy (by whom, I have no idea) as a reason for *you* to not stand up for your sex life.
I know its really complicated and all but....wow....I just can't imagine a man telling me that because he won't go to counseling for his own paranoid reasons, that I also couldn't go or that we couldn't go as a couple.
And try to remember too that, 20 more years of no sex life WILL make you crazy....so which is less painful? Forcing the issue on him even if he resists? Or making him see that his resistance is simply another way for him to avoid intimacy?
