It's automatic when you feel it

[DanceQueen]

Cinco - if only I had a dollar for every time someone has said they should have listend to me...oh wait, that's ME who should have listened to me and didn't! LOL! But seriously, its so much easier to see what someone else should do, than to actually do it ourselves.

All I can say is I'm so dang happy. I will be standing by, waiting for great updates.

The only tiny warning I will say, is that there is still a lot of work ahead for both of you. Right now, you are both experiencing what is called "hysterical bonding". There is a danger to this, because many couples who are on the brink of breaking up, then have some change of heart or events at the eleventh hour and reconcile, go through this "hysterical bonding" and during it, they get the high and rush you feel when you first fall in love. The couple then thinks that magically their problems have been fixed and this rush will stay with them forever. Then the couple doesn't follow through with all the hard work that needs to be done. Soon enough, they fall back to their old habits and are on the brink of breaking up again. In fact, I think you and Mrs. Cinco have been at this place before in the past, no? You are so happy to have averted the disaster of breaking up, that your happiness can cause you to overlook the fact that there is still years of work to be done. You can recall this from the last separation, right?

So anyway...all I am saying is that you should enjoy every moment of your current happiness, but keep in mind all the time, that the past cannot be erased by this happiness, and that all the same hard work will still need to be done. Also realize that some of it will not be pleasant. In the near future, you and Mrs. C may not feel this rush and high of happiness, and you may instead feel a lot of pain and frustration as you pull lots of your crud out of bags you hid under the bed and such. So lean on that happiness now, but be prepared! Don't let it surprise you when the crud takes back over for a bit.

BUT THEN....after the hard work...you will get to have bliss and happiness, TRUE bliss and happiness, forever, with your chosen partner! Sooooo worth the price you will have to pay, I promise.

I'm so happy for you...so so happy. But make sure you both realize, it will take another year or so of recovery. But that's nothing in the scheme of things, right?

:0)

DQ

[Jayce]

Hey, #5, great to hear you are progressing. Just one thing, remember Schnarch's original book was about your 'sexual crucible'. You know exactly what a crucible is, right? Reading what the case study people had to go thru, confront about themselves, difficult for them, even searing. Melting them down and recasting them in different form. Worthwhile results, but not for the faint-hearted nor those who can't stand confronting themselves. Willingness to participate in open dialog is huge. It would be great if you two find your issues aren't so bad that you both have to pull your guts out & poke them back in again. :-)

Funny it took a year....about the same for us. A long time to get a spouse's attention. Just think if we hadn't kept at it, kept trying to move forward...
Jayce

[Cinco]

Right now, you are both experiencing what is called "hysterical bonding".

DQ - I know exatly what you mean and yes this did happen to us once before during our almost D and then reconciliation. I even told Mrs. Cinco last night that I feel like we are falling in love with each other all over again. Also that this feels like our second honeymoon. (4 days in a row now )

I know it is just that hormonal high that we are experiencing right now. We are talking though too. Talking frankly about what it is that we need from each other to be truly happy and comfortable in our love for each other. So in that way it is different this time. Thanks for the warning though, I do need reminding that this will be hard work. No sitting back and just hoping for the best this time.

Jayce - yeah I know it's gonna be hell for us. There is really a lot of stuff to get through, but we both want this now. It will be worth it.

Cinco

[LG nm12]

WOW! I am rooting for Mr. and Mrs. Cinco bigtime!!

Lucky

[CharlieBrown]

5,

Any updates? Anxious to hear how things are progressing.

CB

[Cinco]

Hey CB,

Sorry for the lack of updates, it has been a busy week. Our first MC/ST session was on Monday... then my sister was in town for mom's birthday... then volunteer band booster stuff later in the week.

The first session went well and we both like her and are very comfortable speaking with her. We'll be doing one each individual sessions with W this Monday and me next Monday.

I still can't explain how different we are towards one another now. I guess it's the knowing that we do really love each other and now we can show it in a real way. This marriage IS really worth saving! My writing my feelings towards her this past year I know made a big difference for me.

I wrote many things that I never gave to her. The first ones were full of anger. When I would read these later I could see the hurt and anger coming out of me. Then they started to be more loving. I came to realize I do really love her... how do I let her know about my love for her? It did really help me to change the way I thought about us and also let her know my thoughts... and learn to feel emotion again.

She even began to write notes and cards with much more feeling and meaning for us.

I know this made a difference because it came out in our session that W has known my feelings about us through my writing her.

We are doing well at the moment. I know we will have our ups and downs as we work our way through our problems together. I know this won't be easy but it will be worth it.

It did take a year but my prayers (with an angel's help ) were answered. All I ever wanted was to have a wonderful marriage with the woman I love so much. I'll try to keep you all updated as we move through this.

Cinco

[Jayce]

Hi, Cinco. How goes the MC? H has read SSM & is halfway thru SSW. Says he learned much more from SSM than TNMS. But he wouldn't have read it last year. I think there's a time during efforts to resolve marriage issues when H or W is receptive to and benefits from a particular book. No way to know when that'll be, but, you know, you first have to hit the mule in the head with a board. "Now that I have your attention......"
Ya gotta start someplace.

We're starting MC, have 2 appts set in early Sept. Actually for sex counseling. I hope he can open up or learn about his feelings about sex in general, intimacy and communication. I guess if I had the guts to run 2 marathons & face down an angry drunk with a gun (didn't get shot) I can handle MC. I sure hope so. Finding out what he really thinks could be shattering. Finding out what I can do better, a relief.

He's also made an appt w/urologist our fam. Dr. recommended. Yep, called himself. Invited me to come along if I want to. (What's a good plan here, guys? Should I go or not?).

I want counseling to work for him so he can enjoy his life, not drift along, hibernating with the TV. Be more open not just with me, but his brother, cousins, acquaintances who could become friends given the chance. Trust people not to betray, disappoint or abandon him. A huge leap for him. I hope he can make it.

Thanks, everyone, for being here this past year. I know my postings have been awful some of the time.

Jayce

[Cinco]

Hey Jayce,

Good to hear y'all are going to MC and he's reading. You'll do fine in there as long as you feel that you can both open up to the MC. For us MC is helping us a lot I think. Our counselor is a sex thrapist too, which for people like us seems to make the most sense. The biggest thing is it has opened up our talking about sex with each other. Also for her it has opened her eyes to the way that sex is just another way to show affection.

Wow, I promised updates and here it is a month later and I haven't posted. Mrs. Cinco finished reading PM and asked if I had any other books she could read. After I picked my jaw up off of the flour I handed her Mars/Venus and said I got a lot out of this one.

Also she checked DB out at the library and has been reading that one as well. She picked this one all by herself. She really likes it. (You know I haven't even read that one.)

Also the ST has her reading romance novels. These really aren't her style and she has said that the situations in them all seem so far fetched. (ie. Woman meets man on elevator and 10 minutes later they are "doing it".) Whatever...

We've settled into ML about twice a week now. More importantly, it hasn't felt like an obligation when we do. We are enjoying each other so much more now too. More kissing and touching with meaning.

We still have some barriers and I think we do have more work to do in that area but it feels so good for things to be moving. I never thought it ever would move, we felt stuck for so long.

Jayce you'll love this.... we are still sleeping in the nude.

Cinco

[CharlieBrown]

Conco,

GREAT to hear how everything is progressing. It has always seemed to me that what you wanted was a woman as committed to improving the marriage as you and who really wanted you sexually, not a wild sex-beast (although that would be the cherry on top, so to speak). That is the essence of what my wife has never understood in our discussions and I am so happy for you that you have moved your relationship to that point.

CB

[Jayce]

WOW! She's reading "bodice rippers" AND you guys are sleeping in the nude. Take your vitamins, hermanito. I always thought those books were goofy, too. All the guys are named Lance or Derek, look like hunks, breathe heavily, speak huskily and have throbbing - um - body parts. The kind of guys TNMS says you don't have to live up to cuz they're not real, right? Maybe the books are to get her brain to make more dopamine. (A reference to "Sex on the Brain" -a factual & fun book to read).

You probably shouldn't read the books if she offers them to you. You'll laugh yourself silly. Kinda breaks the mood.
Best wishes,
Jayce