Short story: WAH - 2004 had an affair while I was pregnant. We try and R. Left me last August, ILYBINILWY. I db. He wants to come home after 3 months. I agree as long as thing are different, that we have total honesty and we can start fresh, MC. During his separation, I told him on many occasions that if he was involved with another women, to please tell me so I can move on with my life. He constantly said there was no one else.
We get back together in Nov. things are good at first, then start falling back into "emotional emtiness" myself, although he claims that he feels good about our R and happier than he ever been. FF to last month, I find phone records (lots of them) from the time frame just prior to our separation up until he came home. I confront him, he says it was an old coworker (female) that he talked to alot when he was gone. More comes out that the actually went out to dinner and had coffee close to 10 times. Now I feel like he has broken the straw that holds up the camels back.
All the old wounds are back open and there are many new ones. He claims there was nothing physical but I don't believe him. I've told him I want him to do a polygraph.
Question: Am I "out of bounds" for requiring this? Has anyone else done this? And, if so, I am I humiliating him? How does asking the WAH to do this "fit" within DB'ing?
I suppose that since there isn't any response, no one has had to do this.
Even still, I would greatly appreciate if anyone out there would share their thoughts or opinions on having a polygraph done.
If more info is needed on my sitch, I will provide.
Thanks in advance.
Originally Posted By: dug_in
I'm back again.
Short story: WAH - 2004 had an affair while I was pregnant. We try and R. Left me last August, ILYBINILWY. I db. He wants to come home after 3 months. I agree as long as thing are different, that we have total honesty and we can start fresh, MC. During his separation, I told him on many occasions that if he was involved with another women, to please tell me so I can move on with my life. He constantly said there was no one else.
We get back together in Nov. things are good at first, then start falling back into "emotional emtiness" myself, although he claims that he feels good about our R and happier than he ever been. FF to last month, I find phone records (lots of them) from the time frame just prior to our separation up until he came home. I confront him, he says it was an old coworker (female) that he talked to alot when he was gone. More comes out that the actually went out to dinner and had coffee close to 10 times. Now I feel like he has broken the straw that holds up the camels back.
All the old wounds are back open and there are many new ones. He claims there was nothing physical but I don't believe him. I've told him I want him to do a polygraph.
Question: Am I "out of bounds" for requiring this? Has anyone else done this? And, if so, I am I humiliating him? How does asking the WAH to do this "fit" within DB'ing?
Well....he's in a rock and a hard place. If he tells you, you leave him and move on with your life. He made the decision to come home. He chose you. He wants you.
Now that he is back, you can't expect everything to magically be great. You need to work at repair work. Have you gone to counseling together? Read books and discussed? Gone to Retrouvaille together? Joined a support group together?
Yes, all of it. After the 1st A, MC for 1 year. Also attended a Marriage conference weekend.
When he left, I started IC, reading the DB books and many others. I did the GAL. All of that seemed to have an effect on him, as he wanted to come home. At that point I had some boundaries, Honesty and we go back to MC. Which he did but with as little effort possible. Didn't make it a priority and when he did go, everything was hunky dory from his perpective. I see now that I didn't even get honesty.
Not long before I discovered the phone bills, I could tell I was feeling emotionally empty again. No "real" connection. I was posting on the SSM thread for a while, as I was trying to "own" my share of this.
Then I find out about this OW. I just blow, told him it was over for a few days and that I was done with his cr@p. That I could never trust him as he didn't give me the opportunity (again) to decide for myself when he came home, if I was able to start our R over again, knowing that he had been involved this this second OW. We go to MC and I flat out say this R is over unless you get IC because you have a problem with allowing yourself to "emotionally connect" with unsafe people but can't with your own W and that you have a problem with "lying". Another requirement was "transparency" which he has a problem with, would rather just sweep everything under the carpet. The last requirement was the polygraph. I flat out told him that I don't believe a word he says anymore and that was the only way I could confirm or deny what he says.
Oh yeah, I told him I wanted to talk to this latest OW. Which I did but I don't believe her for many reasons (he had time to prep her, she sounded ackward and like she was hiding something and also sounded like she had some men issues).
OK, maybe he does want me but, at what point has he crossed the last line in the sand. When is ok to stand up for myself and get what I need.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
Well....he's in a rock and a hard place. If he tells you, you leave him and move on with your life. He made the decision to come home. He chose you. He wants you.
Now that he is back, you can't expect everything to magically be great. You need to work at repair work. Have you gone to counseling together? Read books and discussed? Gone to Retrouvaille together? Joined a support group together?
Gotcha. I think your new requirements are good ones. I don't blame ya one bit. Seems as if these new requirements ARE standing up for yourself to get what you need.
I guess what I am wondering in particular has to do with the polygraph and whether having him do this fits in with the DB'ing techniques and whether or not it would be seen as intentionally humiliating my WH.
I'm really tired of people being hurt and people doing things that they might not really want to do. I've had enough. I tried to tell him last night, that it was fine if he didn't want to do it and I was fine with that, it was his choice. I had to make my choice based on that. Then he gets pissed and says "I said I would do it" but it was not very nicely said and then he goes on to yell at me "that stuff is a joke and you need to read all these articles that prove that its inaccurate and how they try to intimidate and manipulate the subject and that I'm just trying to humiliate him".
Then he gets pissed and says "I said I would do it" but it was not very nicely said and then he goes on to yell at me "that stuff is a joke and you need to read all these articles that prove that its inaccurate and how they try to intimidate and manipulate the subject and that I'm just trying to humiliate him".
Ok here is the thing. I can't see much positive coming out of this. The most positive thing that can happen is he goes and passes and you believe the results 100%.
But there are a number of other more likely possibilites.
- He refuses to go and you quit the M due to this boundary but never know if he refused based on embarassment (as you have mentioned)
- He refuses to go and you back off the boundary.
- He goes and fails and has already given you back up showing how these tests are not accurate and you either now are afraid to enforce your boundary of leaving if it comes out positive for cheating but you are uncertain of the accuracy and now in a constant mind battle.
-He goes and passes but because of all the evidence you have now seen to show the inaccuracies of the test this result is now not good enough.
I am fairly certain it doesn't fall within the DB principles, that being said there is a lot on this site that doesn't make it all bad.
I just know that my husband lied compulsively and he would never have gone for the test, but if he did, I would still have questioned it either way it came out and it likely would not have been sufficient for me to leave because I needed certainty.
Me-33 H-36 D-5 EA/PA-Late 2007-? H moved out April 2008 Legal Separation signed Dec 2008
Question: Am I "out of bounds" for requiring this? Has anyone else done this? And, if so, I am I humiliating him? How does asking the WAH to do this "fit" within DB'ing?
I don't think there is any "fair" and "unfair" when it comes to boundaries of personal integrity. Either they are something YOU need, in order to feel right about yourself, or they aren't.
Boundaries are like fears -- you can't legislate them, nor logic your way thru them.
If this is something YOU need in order to feel safe in the marriage, based on his prior adultery, I don't see anything wrong with it. However, if HE feels that it violates HIS personal integrity to DO it, then I can see where he would refuse.
Well, I made the appt. I will follow up with him tomorrow and allow him to "come clean" and I will cancel. I will gladly eat the $250 deposit if he is willing to really step up and "own his stuff".
If not, he will know where to be and at what time (I've already given him a heads up last week).
I do think I need this. IF this were the 1st (like before) I might not go this far but now that it has happened again and I allowed my gaurd down with him enough to let him come back home after leaving me, I really don't think its an outrageous request. Guess we will see.
