New around here...

[hopeful_cb]

Hi all,

I have been reading on this forum for a few weeks now since I got DR and found out about the support offered thru this site.

A quick run down of my situation:

I have been with H 8 yrs, married over 2 yrs, no kids, both 27 He moved out 7 weeks ago after telling me he is not happy and doesn't know what else to do anymore. He has given many reasons like he doesn't want the responsibility of being with someone anymore, he wants to do whatever he wants when ever he wants and not worry about someone else. He also stated he felt we have drifted apart, had nothing in common anymore and felt there was so much pressure on our relationship(don't know from who tho?!?) He had many worries about feeling too old too fast and possibly regretting things 10 yrs down the line if he didn't do something now. He also stated he had tried 'everything' and there was nothing left he could try to help things, although he never communicated this to me! He has said its too late now to work on things, he's already decided.

I have read and re-read DR in the past 4 weeks which has helped a lot! I of course did all the wrong things at first and was completely devastated. Since then, I have started doing the LRT, as well as looking at lots of other steps from the book. I have stopped any R talk, stopped saying ILY, stopped all the chasing/pursuing and started GAL and trying to be upbeat when talking to or seeing H. All of which is very hard but I am doing my best!

I have to say there has been some positive progress. After a couple of weeks of not initiating any contact, H began to text me a couple of times a week, and since then has text some more and asked to meet up about a few times which I agreed to. So far he has asked if we could meet up and spend time together about once a week since I started trying to follow DR.

I am having trouble knowing how much to respond when H makes contact. I don't want to seem like I don't want to see him but also don't want to give too much or be too eager? What's the best way to handle this?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
cb

[pollyanna]

Hi CB - Use the contact to show Db moves. Be upbeat, mysterious, fun and do some new stuff which you can talk about with H when you see. Let him see that you are moving forward. Keep away from R talks unless he initiates BUT be careful how you buy into it. You can let him know how it is not what you want but that you are ok about proceeding forward.

That way he knows your eitherway

[hopeful_cb]

pollyanna,

Thanks for the advice and encouragement! really need that sometimes.

I wish I had more contact with H so I have more time to try what I've been reading in the book, but I guess some contact is better than none.

I did see H this week, tuesday evening, we had dinner and talked a bit, tried to keep it upbeat and talk about 'light' things. Sometimes it feels so fake but I am trying anyway. He text to say he got home safe and good night, but nothing since and I've not tried to contact besides texting it was good to see him and good night back on tuesday.

I am trying to make myself busy when I have free time, which is A LOT lately!

[hopeful_cb]

Too much time today!

I've had the day off work today so lots of time needing to keep busy in. I did go to the gym today, eventho i was feeling completely unmotivated. yay me! glad I did now.

Just been thinking lots and lots today...

One things H started saying right before all of this happened was that we never had anything to talk about anymore. He felt we had said it all. H complained that when we would go for out for dinner, etc there was a lot of quietness, and that we didn't have much to talk about. I thought the quietness was ok, to me it meant being comfortable, content, happy and that we didn't need to constantly make small talk but just enjoy each others company.

Also, The hardest thing for me is that we have moved several time in the last 2-3 yrs for H's job, which I was happy doing, but in the place I live now I was not working myself for a long time, was trying hard to find a job. I did finally find a great job last sept which is the only thing that has kept me sane thru all this! But all of my friends are 'our' friends and work at the company H works for. So since this happened none of them have spoke to me. I understand how things go and how they may feel awkward. They have all basically stayed friends with H leaving me really isolated. I have since reached out to a couple girls at work and become friends and got great support from one especially. Its hard not knowing many people here and my family are very far away so I can only visit a couple times a year.

Ive been reading thru lots of other people's situations and the advice is really helpful. I glad I found this place.

[pollyanna]

Keep your chip up. Maybe you need to join some new groups, sports , learn dance etc. Get out. i know its hard when you are used to having 2 of you but you have to do it. This way you will meet friends for you. It is only hard in the beginning. You may find many people in your situation and who knows from there.

[hopeful_cb]

Your right, the first thing I did after getting over the shock some was go join the gym. I have never been a member but I am liking it. Been looking into some groups and things so will keep at it.

One thing I am wondering about is.....

H has invited me to do something 3 times over a few weeks(i agreed and we had dinner), but ive not made any attempts to meet up/call bc i was trying to not pursue. So should i keep 'not pursuing' or does there come a time when i should make some invites to reciprocate?

confusion!!

[pollyanna]

I dont think you should invite him at all to anything. It would be seen as persuing. I think you have to go on your gut feeling.

you could always ask and if he refused or backed out , you could say that your never doing that again .

It could be that he is asking because he has not let go as well. He likes to know you are still available. He has all options covered.

You know him best

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for the comment

I have decided to not make any invitations and just leave it for now. I agree with the comment about having all options covered too. I feel that I have been too available. Also I think he needs time to see what it will really be like if continuing down the path of separation.

H called on sat night said he was not feeling well and everyone at his work is sick too. Asked about my plans for Sunday, I said I am going to nearby city, but left out anything about what I planned to do there. I had never been to this place so it was fun to go. Had a great day out with my friend, really glad I went and enjoyed myself. Will definitely be doing more of this

Next saturday I have a trip planned to visit family for 2 weeks. I am excited about going, especially about seeing my niece and nephew, sister and mom. I have some time off my grad course and with the easter holiday decided to take advantage of it. I feel this may also give me time to really detach from things with H and think about me (as well as have lots of fun :))

H has asked if he needs anything from the house while I am away can he stop by. I have set some boundaries like to let me know first if he will be doing that and also that I dont expect him to use this as a time to move all of his things out of the house just because I am not there.

[pollyanna]

That sounds great. i think you are doing everything well. Good on you getting out and it is even more important that you ARE looking forward`to the trips and outings.

good with boundries. I set mine and then get lax and think - Oh do whatever you want. Not good as everyone gets confused.

Keep it up you are doing well.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for the encouragement I really appreciate it, helps keep me on the right track.

Just thinking 'out loud'................

One thing that has been bothering me is that since all of this has happened, I have not had a chance to take responsibility for the things I have done wrong in our R. Or I guess mean that I have not been able to acknowledge to H that I do realize I have not been perfect either and that there are many things I could have done differently/better in our R. It has only become clear to me after the last several weeks reflecting on the situation. I feel it is important for me to own up and take responsibility for my part. However I am 3 weeks into not initiating any R talk so wont bring it up now. Hope I am doing the right thing. It just keeps playing on my mind as I'm not able to talk about it now.

Also, I have the DR book but was just wondering if the other book, DB, is worth getting and reading as well or is they have the same things in them? can anyone advise?