help to save my marriage

[innishannon]

I am new to DB and would very much like support and feedback for my situation.
My H and I have been M 6 years and in R for 10. We have D7.I originally moved from London to be where we live now; my H's home town.
We have had a relationship over the years that has been up and down. My H has a chronic snoring problem that he has never bothered to fix so we have never been able to sleep in the same bed for any extended period of time during our relationship.When we were M my H didn't want me to take his name and I had to buy my own ring. I have often felt that my H was not fully in the relationship but i Love him and had sacrificed a lot to be with him in the first place. My H has been M before for about 22 years and has D26 and D15 from this M.
Over the last 5 years, since the birth of our D I have pursued my career; obtaining a Masters degree and commencing a PHD that I am now in the final year of, as well as holding down a job. I have wanted to do that as my husband is a director and playwright and older than me (H 54, Me 38) and I have been worried about the financial security of our family. I have been travelling back and forth to London for the last 4 years to complete this qualification and to carry out some work.
On January 2 my husband sat me down and told me that the marriage was over. There was no abnormal behaviour, no warning signs and there was no space for me to respond. His mind was made up. I pleaded with him for a chance for us to discuss things. He agreed to a period of time to see what may emerge in our relationship but was very dubious about any possibility. During this time we were in sexual contact but he was furious with me about it, saying that it had to stop; that it was dishonest and immoral because the feelings for me just were not there. January 21 he came to me and said that he didn't want t lead me on; that his mind was made up and he did not want to continue; his love for me is dead and he was never going to get it back. he denied any presence of OW.
After attending a wedding on January 30 of mutual friends I broke down and was very upset.My H moved out and terminated our M once and for all.
During the months of Feb and March I have been in hospital and have had two major ops; I have been in agony for around one month.I am still awaiting biopsy results.My mother has flown from Australia to be with me and is living with me and my D in the family home.
I have found out that my H has been living with his Development manager of his company and has been in a relationship with her for a while, definitely before Jan 2. I am devastated.
He is pushing for a speedy separation. He has completely erased me as a person from his life; he will only talk to me if it is relation to our D. This happened once I found out about the OW and called him on it.
Last Friday I was forced to issue a Protection Order on him, with grounds for a Safety Order which will be sorted in our Court Hearing on April 17.I have down this because my H has been saying he will move back into the house -23 days a week once my Mum leaves in order to retain his legal rights around the house and our D. I feel that this is immoral considering his R with OW and the fact that he is committing adultery and has deserted us.
The sad thing is that i wanted none of this to happen. I desperately want to save my marriage but he is resolute and steadfast.
He is a different man to the man that I married; any advice on whether this can be saved?

[summerd]

Inns -
I often wonder why some posts get countless responses and others get none.
I find it interesting that a man who really wants to leave you would want to come back to live in your house. I also find it curious that you would want to get a protection order on the person you say you love in a marriage you seem to want to save. We do so many things when our hearts are broken and we feel so sad.
There is no excuse for an affair, period. And I can completely relate to your feelings since my husband cheated too. However, after more than a year of separation and then reconciliation, I learned a great deal about myself. I learned that when I really try I can love any person I choose with the same kind of unconditional love that I give my kids. That doesn't mean I'd sit by while they stab me in the heart! But, I began to try to think of my husbands actions as hurting himself and not me. I began to see him as the person giving in to so much of his own poor choices that all I could do was love him and let him know I would be there as long as I was able. When I began to show this strength, he found interest again, left his career of 20 years where he worked with the OW and moved back home.
I'm not saying this will happen for you or if you even want it. It's a struggle for us many days - yesterday I felt like leaving and I posted a long, desparate post this morning. By this afternoon, we kissed and made each other feel better.
BTW - he can never erase you as a person in his life unless he runs off with your daughter or chooses to cut her off. You will have a relationship with him for the rest of your life.