It's Complicated! Part 6

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Glam, I've been wondering where you were. I'm very glad to see an update from you. Nice that you got that bonus!

I hesitate to say anything, but feel a compulsion to call it as I see it...it sounds to me like your H is feeling pressured by your asking him about moving home, and about spending the night, and so on. I know those are things that you long to have happen, but I really think you need to stop asking about that stuff. It's like you keep digging up the bulbs every hour to see if they have sprouted yet, if that makes sense. I think that the more often you ask him things like that, the longer you will have to bite your tongue and NOT ask him anything once you learn to leave it alone, before his heart softens and he turns things around. I really think these questions of yours are just making things worse for you.

That is just my opinion, and may be totally off base. If not, I imagine others will come along to verify. Regardless, I do wish you the very best in everything, and hope he straightens himself out soon! I will keep checking on you...

Peace,
Dawn

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

Just wanted to say hi and I hope you are having a lovely week-end. (((HUGS)))

[job]

Glam,
Your h is trying to bring himself to the point of moving home. The excuses are just that....excuses. Yes, he can have sex w/you and then leave the night. Why? Because it's not, in his mind, permanent. To him, sleeping over all night is a sign of being a permanent arrangement and he's not ready for that just yet.

Talking about the future, what you need, getting older, the house, etc. are all positives. He's thinking about things in the future and that gives me the sense that he is thinking about coming home...not just yet, but in the very near future.

Glam, he's right...it will be up to you when the time comes, as to whether he comes home or not. I ask that you dig deeper for more patience as I do think he's trying to work his way back to you and your family. This is very frustrating for you, but it will end when he makes the decision to start bringing things back home again and then finally opts to stay the night. Hang in there...for your patience will be tried more times than not during this part of the journey.

[glamgirl]

Update:

Well I have been super busy, on a personal level and with work. First my work, has gotten busier and busier to the point I don't even like what I do, but it's a job. I am looking aggressively for work just not that much out there or not willing to take less pay since the job is not that bad, just don't want to stay there too much longer. If that makes sense.

Personally, D5 has returned. She was so happy to return. So excited to be home with the family. H came over spent time with his mom and dad. We do appreciate the help they gave us with D5. I have called her pre-school and re-enrolled her for July and August, but 2 days a week. H and S20 will help with the rest.

On a small level h is re-connecting with his mom and dad. Remember he was on NO speaking terms the past year and a half or more. His brother called to talk with him, I proceeded to hand h the phone and he said tell him I am in the shower. That was a bit shocking, but who knows what goes through h's mind. I guess he is not ready to fully commit to his family.

H and I have been getting a long fine. Yes, I am dissappointed and sad that he has made NO progress to move home. Even with our financial struggles, he doesn't seem to get the bigger picture, that IF he would move home we would have more money for our kids and our family rather than having to pay 2 residences. This always floors me. He talks about money and sacrificing, I guess that just doesn't mean him doing the sacrificing.

Dawn you are right, stop focusing on him returning. It's just that going on 3 years in August pains me. Wondering if I am wasting my time or if he is ever going to understand marriage, family, committment the way our vows were intended. H talks of the for worse part, but that was never intended for him to leave and live else where while his family continues to live and struggle in our home. The worse part for me, means you live in the home and you work through your struggles. To me leaving was abandoning me and his family. I know my h doesn't view this the same way I do, but my h is going to have to wake up here. He can't continue to live else where and expect us to continue to be married. I wonder what he would expect from me, if I walked out on him and got my own place?

Thanks Snodderly. I do need to reach deeper for patience.

H will be over today to help with weeding the yard. Yeah! I am not good with weeds and the place is looking like crap on the outside.

Doing my best to focus on the kids and myself and forgetting about what ails my h. He is still at the point of staying up all night ( I think due to his AD medication) and then sleeping all day. He is doing a little better with what he is eating but has not begun is work out routine yet.

Forging on with life..................leaving h do deal with himself.

[job]

Glam,
I'm very happy to come here this evening and read your posting. I was wondering how you and your family were doing.

Here's my take on the reconnection w/family. Glam,
reconnecting w/you fully and returning home will be the last steps he will take. Reconnecting w/his family are the first positive signs in the reconnection that I have read about in a long time on your thread. This is a huge hurdle for him. One step at a time.

I know you want him home, but he's got to do this in "stages" and he's just now started the stages that I've been waiting to hear about. To me, they are good. They all take a long time to get to the point of stepping over that last large hurdle. When the time is right, and he's ready, he will do it. But it will be on his time, not yours.

I'm glad your little one is back home safe and sound and ready to start her next little adventure in life--pre-school.

Glam focus on the things that you can control right now and most importantly, take care of yoruself.

[plentyhope]

Hey glam,

Snodderly has wise words for you. He needs to do this in stages and cannot be hurried. Hurrying him will set him back. There are so many positives in your situation. Keep working on yourself so you will be ready for when he comes home. You will need all of your changes to handle his fitting back in the home.

Yes, take care of yourself and keep your chin up. Hugs, PH

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

I wish you a lovely week-end and all the parience you can gather. (((HUGS)))

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam, good to hear your update; hope you will keep us posted!

Take care of yourself...

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Well h is back to the usual. He was a no call no show yesterday. Said he was coming over around noon to help with the weeds. Well that didn't happen. He blew us off.

He finally texted after 8pm, said he was sorry, depressed. Same old story. That was his excuse. Like depression should excuse his poor behavior. Not a call, but a text. I guess he thinks that is all we are worth.

It's sad though, I don't really see him doing much about his depression or is it really his excuse to not take on any responsibilities? Unless he wants to change his life, this will be h in the future. What he doesn't get and the C has reminded him that when he is depressed that is the best time to be around family.

If he lived at home, he wouldn't have time to be depressed. I guess that could be a reason to not want to move home. He is not ready to face who he is nor be around his family 24/7. On the flip side, his family is left in the dark and discarded as if we were yesterday's trash.

I know that sounds a little harsh, but that is how I feel. Like I said in the past h is far from coming home. I don't really see him doing the hard work that a R needs, if this is how much effort he puts into his depression.

Oh well, on a another note I went on with my life yesterday and did lots of cleaning in the house. The weeds can wait another day and I can do those too without my h. It's tough managing the household by myself. I do what I can.

[job]

Glam,
I'm glad to see that you didn't wait around on your h. Don't! If you plan to do something, do it...if he shows up fine, if he doesn't fine too. Expectations are then at zero and you are not disappointed and/or discouraged about his absence.

People in depression cannot deal w/life. It takes a lot of energy for them to just get out of bed. Yes, your h could be doing something about the depression, but depression doesn't flip on and off w/a switch...they need counseling and AD's and stick to the program. I honestly do not believe your h is avoiding responsibilities....I think it's the depression. Some people just do not want to stay on the AD's and give them time to work. If your h lived at home, you would be even more frustrated because of him not being able to do the things that he once did. You would see the behavior 24/7 and and it definitely would get to you at some point. I know yu want him home, but he's just not ready to take that step. Will he ever be ready? In time, I truly believe so.

Take your frustration and apply it to the weeds and chores. Do what you can and what you can't, there's always another day.