A New Decade - Part 2

[MsMelancoly]

Hey, So my last thread locked. It's my 2nd locked thread this year!!! I'm a lucky girl!!

So actually, the nice Saturday w/my H ended & I grabbed my mail on the way in. In the mail was some D paperwork. It seems we already have a pre-trial court date set for June!! Before this date I have to have my H served with the pre-trial court date & send/give him the marriage settlement agreement. Sounds like the pre-trial is to discuss all the D paperwork.

So kicked back into reality, it seems.

[MsMelancoly]

This all has made me wonder, if I will get some of his debt. His financial paperwork shows him in the negative! His debts, by the way, was one reason he gave to D.

When I told my sister of the news, she put her hands up in the air - to cheer. Even though, this has brought my H & I closer together, can't say I'm really happy about it. Still kinda relieved, but not happy. This has also got me thinking, if some of the reasons we are getting D, is because that is what friends, family & society expects is the right thing to do in such a short M & a short time living together M.

I will probably mention this all to my H. If nothing else to probe & try to get some of his thoughts on this. Again, what could it hurt, since I'm no longer struggling against him.

If the judge would ask him why we want to D - I wonder what he would say? Given our M our R has taken a strange twist as of late.

[Can it work]

Hi MsM

After much hunting I finally found your thread. The search facility on here is pathetic.

I read through your last thread and found it really inspirational. You're doing great IMO. You really seem to have found yourself through this difficult situation.

I can't really comment much on what you're going through as I'm not sure if I fully understand where your H is coming from at all. He seems like a very confused man if I'm completely honest. You seem to be cautious enough not to get too carried away with the moments of flirting and fun that you and your H have been having lately. It all seems fairly positive to me, divorce aside. You mentioned that you got on much better as GF/BF than you did as W/H. In a way I suppose you may be getting closer to that again.

Anyway, I'd better get back to work. I'll keep checking in on your thread now that I've found it.

Keep smiling.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Nice to see you stopped by!! So another man doesn't even understand my H - interesting.

Yes, I did find my path out of limboland, it was the path I was dreading taking. Kind of ironic. But we will see

[Can it work]

I probably agree with what you said about your H being quite immature still. That would explain a lot. It also sounds like he has a lot of responsibility issues.

The one thing I almost related to with him is that you mentioned he was in a band. I'm assuming by your posts that you're both very in to the music scene? I was a singer/guitarist in a band for a lot of my younger years and to be honest it did breed irresponsibility. I loved those days but I could never go back to them now. I still have occasional jamming session with the guys but don't do it seriously any more. I remember only too well the late night gigs followed by mammoth drinking sessions which led in to god know what! Ah, I'm getting nostalgic even dredging up the memories! The point is though that I outgrew that life. I found love and happiness with a beautiful W and a perfect child. I even think that may have played a part in my separation with my W. The guy she fell in love with was a fun loving party animal. The guy she left was a fun loving family man. I embraced my new found responsibility as a H and a father but maybe, because of her age she wasn't ready for that yet. I've since tried to get a bit of the fun back in my life through other pursuits but I have no wish to go back to the partying days. I'm still the same person but I just have different values now. That's just me though. It sounds as though you and your H kept the fun going after M? For a while at least. Some people just don't seem to adapt well to the concept of M. It possibly makes them feel trapped and old before their time. I'm fairly sure musicians are the worst of all for needing their freedom.

This is obviously all just my opinion. I only read your last thread so I didn't delve too deeply in to the history of your sitch.

Keep figthing for your own happiness MsM. You're obviously a very driven woman who knows how to do that. Good luck.

Keep smiling.

Kev

[JCJ]

Hi Ms M

I'm so pleased that you had a good day on Saturday together. I can see why getting the court date would be a kick. Remember when H filed those papers back in October yours and his situation was very different. Bits of paper mean nothing, it is what happens between you that is important and you guys keep moving forward all the time. Still, I know I will/ would be gutted when/ if it happens to me.

I totally get you on the family/ friends thing. I was remembering for me what a huge shift it was in my thinking when I started thinking about and embracing the concepts of Divorce Busting. Society is set up so that things are disposable... I wonder who decided that the best form of action was to get rid and that is it?? People automatically go into corners when division starts and fight for their corner - you are your sisters corner I suppose (if that makes any sense?!). The 'divorce steering committee' as Michele calls it. My best friend reacts in the exact same way. When I tried to talk to her about h's and my 'lets be friends' conversation she thought how cruel he was being. Unless he expresses and instant wish to reconcile people don't see the point - things don't always work that way and I actually don't see that as a healthy way to get back together, there is no re-bonding process. I don't know about you but h and I spent 3 years dating and getting to know each other before moving in together, why is the process so terribly different now?!

Funny how the things that we and our h's are bonding over are the very things that to the rest of the world are 'signs' that it is over for good. To me it is bricks and mortar and bits of paper - the important thing is what is going on between you.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Thanks for the insight. I think you are right about muscians or rocky rolly type bands. Although most of his old band mates have settled down. I think it gave my H the ego boost & escape he needed at the time. I think he sees that band thing, that the good times quickly fade.

Hey Julia, I knew you would understand my "society" issue/topic. Maybe it comes down to the blame game. It's easier for you or friends to say he's a piece of sh*t, you should leave him. Without really taking a look or walking in the others shoes for a bit - before deciding. No one is without some faults. (Well, sometimes difficult to tell that to some "perfect" people in RL).

I'm sure my sister was surprised when I told her last night that H is coming over for dinner on Wed. I'm sure she thought, just D & leave the bum, you're better off without him, why are you still having dinner with him & asking him to fix things, wasting your time on him......and on & on. Now, how could/would my scared H handle all of that from family & friends if we did stay M? Really, facing the rath or embarrassment with family & friends would be a tougher road than getting D & then dating again. See where i'm coming from - as thoughts swim through my head..........

[JCJ]

Yep, I have those very same thoughts which is why, when my h moves my stuff and encounters my family, I am telling them if they love me they will be nice and as normal as possible with him. I have worked too damn hard!!!

[Sanderika]

Hi MsM,

Just dropping in to wish you well....I disappeared again for a while. My sitch is taking up a lot of time in my mind.

I just finished reading your last thread and this new one....

There's a new twist in your world!!!!

I wondered before if your H was missing you and feeling regrets just as the D papers were being started. Looks like he's not going to let you go. Glad you are taking baby steps. It's crossed my mind that you have been so good to him with a pending D that he now realizes you are too wonderful to let go of.

I am equally pleased to hear that you are in an emotionally ready place to D. Likewise, leaving the door open to a possible reconciliation, and still having no expectations. Very good for you!!

I sure wish you all the best with your H. I completely understand your thoughts about the marriage having to end in order for the two of you to have a new relationship. I have often had those very same thoughts. I never want our "old" behaviors thrown in our faces. I think we are now two very different people and we deserve fresh starts. I make it a habit to never mention past behaviors or choices my H has made over the past 44 months or even before he had left me. I don't think it would be fair to him. If we are able to reconcile, we will both want to forget the ugly things that happened to us in the past. We can't grow/move forward as a couple if we dwell there and it would only cause pain and hurt. We have learned many lessons on this journey, this is one of them.

I remember talking about you lending money to your H before. I think after pondering on all the ramifications of it I would have lent him the money too.

You and JCJ have mentioned how our friends and family would feel about a reconciliation and how they would treat our H's. My friends will support me, I am sure. They love me and know that I truly want to reconcile my marriage. I do realize it will be very difficult in the beginning to be in social situations with them.

My family wants me to D him so bad for all he has done to us. They hate him now. After our 30 years together and all I have been through to try and reconcile with my H, I know that I have lost my family over this. They don't understand. I am not even on speaking terms with most of them because they are so unhappy with me. Family get togethers will cease to exist on my side. I wish things were different and am afraid things are unfixable with them now.

My H's family will be very awkward for me at first. They are a mixed bunch on thoughts, none of them like the OW and am quite sure they will all except me back with open arms. I have regular contact (every two weeks) with my FIL because of my son. I have not had any contact with the rest of them for almost 3 years now. Still I love them all and want to be a part of their family. My FIL keeps me up to speed on their news and activities. I also have to admit that it was me who broke off contact from them. I got to a point where I was so ashamed of my sitch that I could not be with them for fear of what they might be thinking especially after I knew they had met the OW.

It is such a shame the toll a D takes on everyone not just the immediate family. In my sitch this has effected literally everyone we know in a negative way. I am so very sad about that.
I wish this all had never for happened for that reason.

Well, MsM....Onward and Upward for you!!!!!

I will keep a watch on you and I certainly am sending you good wishes and hope that this works out the way you want it to....

Take care, my friend....

Sanderika

[Kenn]