OK, I'm posting under Newcomers even though I'm not. I've been in this for under a year, but it feels like forever. I'm not sure I remember being in a happy marriage. There's not really a category for those of us who aren't separated or divorced, but aren't newbies either.
My C diagnosed my H as very Passive Aggressive (PA) in my second session with her back in Sept 08. I've spent months sleeping with a man who ignores me. I was certain it was MLC because of the sudden nature of the crisis and the fact that a "bomb" was dropped, but now I really just think he's always been like this, but he just decided to stop covering it. The PA got worse, as a "Rescuer" I tried harder, and the PA got even more worse.
I've recently read a book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. Excellent book if you have a spouse with the style of managing their relationships. Wish I had it 6 months ago. Would have saved me months of beating myself up.
I do believe in the DB process. I think the worst thing you can do for a marriage is give up without trying everything possible to save it. As my C said, "make sure when you are 85 you have no regrets. That you tried everything." That said, I'm not one to hang on to a bad relationship for years with someone who doesn't love, like, or respect me. And I disagree with many in that I don't think it is good for children to see a dysfunctional marriage forever and ever. I look at myself as an example and my parents staying together and not being able to provide me with a good example of a marriage has not done me any favors. It has possibly even kept me in something that I should have ended long ago.
That said, I've recently asked my H if he would be happier moving out, but I don't think he's going to. He's comfortable with where he is. And I'm not leaving my kids or pulling them away from their home. So, I am sticking with it until they're out of high school. I still have an tiny bit of hope that he might see whats going on and decide on some IC or MC, but that's not likely. The PA-ness is too ingrained. So, I just have to try and find a happy way of being for me in my current life. Its not easy, but I keep asking the universe for signs.
If you're living with a PA, let me know. It would be cool to share.
NOTE: I'M USING PA AS "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" NOT "PHYSICAL AFFAIR"
Last edited by ThinkingItThru; 04/23/0909:51 PM.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Hi - I always thought of myself as passive aggressive BUt your post raised an interesting thought that maybe it was H that was passive aggressive. So although I cant offer much help, I will be following you thread. So sorry your in this. Cheers Pollyanna
Yes. I live with a PA spouse...who's also an alcoholic. Big fun.
I too go through the questions about what's better regarding staying together or not for the kids. I have a 12 yo and a 9 yo. Lately I've been focusing on me, myself and I, instead of him. Growing. And like you, I also watched dysfunction growing up that has allowed this situation to continue unabated (til now).
Now that you've read Living With The Passive Aggressive Man, try reading up on narcissism. Right now I'm reading Disarming The Narcissist. Got it at the library. Good for reading about what OUR characteristics are that get us and keep us in these relationships. Another great one is The Peter Pan Syndrome, Men Who Never Grew Up. Takes some of the confusion away. And is EXCELLENT in discussing what your own children see and hear and what they take away from it as they come of age. Invaluable.
I think I am a bit passive aggressive. I think most people can be when faced with something they don't want to do. However, I think it only becomes a problem when 1)you begin to act out on the aggression and 2)it begins to seriously impact your relationships. I've never really been one for storing things up, so while I am passive a lot of the time, I don't store up years of inward turned aggression and then turn it outward on someone else. I'm very good at letting things go. I don't think my H is good at that part as evidenced by his behaviour this year.
He really has a unique view on the way things happen in our R. I am always the bad guy no matter what I do and he is the victim. Its difficult to reason with someone when they always feel the victim. I should have seen this coming. His mother has lived her life as a victim and he seemed SO different. So strong and non-confrontational. But I think that what I saw as strength and passivity is actually just him storing up years of anger. Now everything I do he see's with bad intention. And I must say on my part I have no bad intentions for anything I do. I truly follow a path of "live and let live" and "anything that you do will come back to you times 3...so watch what you do and think".
I will definitely look into those books.
Have a great weekend everybody.
My hubby has arranged to take me to a baseball game and an overnight this weekend and I'm trying to look at it with a very positive, contructive viewpoint. He has a way of doing things in a begrudging manner that sometimes makes it difficult to be positive about his gifts.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
