Alright fellas, I need some help here. I have posted my sitch before and haven't really gotten much help. I do appreciate those who have commented. I read so much about what a woman wants from a man. She wants him to take charge and be a man and so on and so forth and to get her back you act "as if" and make her come to you. What am I supposed to do as a woman? After the huge blow up where I totally freaked out and said venomous things to my H, I have gone dark. I took his mail to him and left him the book The Five Love Languages. I did not see him on this occassion. I have no reason to see him and really no place to run into him. When he left he didn't even give me his new cell phone number. He has now forwarded his mail. (these were things done before the blowup even) I have no choice to go dark other than to go to the gym where he lives and his gf (my ex best friend) is the one spending time with him there. Help a chick out! Other than losing weight (doing down 42 lbs so far), making myself look gorgeous daily (doing), working out (doing), doing stuff with the kids (doing), what should I be doing? I've been told to just let him go and he'll come back, but I am not so sure after the mean things I said. Although to be honest, he has his own horrible things he has done. He has said so many things, but I believe that it all boils down to him repeating the pattern of his life. In a relationship, relationship gets hard, he finds someone to listen to the problems in the relationship, he loses his feelings for the one he is with and falls for the one he is talking to, bails....rinse....repeat. He has many issues from his childhood that I believe he is scared to face. Coach your thoughts would be very welcome.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Help a chick out! Other than losing weight (doing down 42 lbs so far), making myself look gorgeous daily (doing), working out (doing), doing stuff with the kids (doing), what should I be doing?
What are you doing to grow? What issues do you need to work on? Are you repeating patterns in your life that are unproductive/unhealthy? Sounds like you expected him to leave you. Focus on yourself, take care of your needs and the kids. This isn't all up to you whether it works out so be prepared. I think men want the same thing as women in their M. We just communicate it and show it differently. No expectations and be loving anyway. You need boundaries in place and a plan in case things start moving along. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am in therapy and doing a lot of self introspection. Issues I need to work on are 1: being an active listener (I tend to want to fix things so I am already thinking about what I want to say instead of really hearing what is said) 2: not nagging 3: being more spontaneous 4: being more compassionate 5: Doing things outside of my comfort zone or that challenge me that others wish to do 6: LISTENING!!!! I'm sure there is more, but this is a beginning. I understand my part in the demise of the relationship. I was just talking to my sister last night about how I keep getting into the same relationship over and over. I keep falling for the younger guy who says he wants to be like me and has big goals. They then compare themselves to me and end up feeling less than. I seem to pick men I see potential in and they end up falling short of the expectations and they leave. I end up in mommy mode nagging and being no fun. My H is now with my ex best friend who goes to concerts, drinks, and lives with her own parents. He left saying he didn't want any responsibilities and taking on 3 kids and being a husband was too much. I keep hearing everyone say to not believe what they say, but then saying to base what you work on by what they say. It turns my head around to be honest. I can't work on anything with him as we do not talk at all. Still no divorce because I told him he is going to have to file and he will either have to borrow money or wait a bit to come into some. He still has no job after leaving 6 weeks ago. He is doing misc. computer jobs here and there. I know I need to change for me, but I can't say that I hate the idea of me growing so much and him just remaining stagnant and getting nowhere. *sigh*
Last edited by goingtofixME; 05/06/0906:57 PM.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
In a relationship, relationship gets hard, he finds someone to listen to the problems in the relationship, he loses his feelings for the one he is with and falls for the one he is talking to, bails....rinse....repeat. He has many issues from his childhood that I believe he is scared to face. Coach your thoughts would be very welcome.
I signed in just to post to you, which I haven't done a lot of lately. Sorry, I'm not a guy. Only a woman that has some time and experience on the roller coaster.
The quote, "We attack the things in other people that we most fear in ourselves" came to my mind when I read your words.
Whatever you said to him, no matter how venomous, you have to put yourself out there and apologize. You apologize because it is the right thing to do. Not with an expectation that he will apologize back. Not with an expectation that it will change anything. Just because. Then you walk away calmly.
No fair weighing how many bad or awful things he has said or done in deciding whether or if to apologize. He doesn't get a pass on any of those, but they are his demons to deal with. You, my dear, can only change you. You can not change him.
I know you've read and heard this, but I can tell you it is true. What I have learned since last June 2nd is that I had a lot to learn and much growing to do. I am still on my journey, but have traveled very far.
You are your most important asset. You need to be the best you that you can. It takes a long time to figure out what that means. With time, grace, and effort - it is worth finding out.
You can not attract a man unless you shine. By putting the time and effort into yourself you will shine brighter than you ever thought possible.
I will add you to my prayer list.
Last edited by The Wifey; 05/08/0902:20 PM.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Having just erased my original answer, it occurs to me that this is in fact rather a sinister question. The men around here, like you, are the LBS; presumably, if we knew the "trick" for getting your H to come back, we'd know the trick for getting our WAWs to do the same.
As to the notion that there's a generic set of things that "men/women" always "want" -- women want a Man, preferably with hairy ears and back, a club, and clothes made from a wildcat's hide (and, if possible, who is named "Alley Oop") -- I find myself in the minority here. In the original version of Woody Allen's play, "Play It Again, Sam," the Woody Allen character has a discussion with his girlfriend over the then-widely accepted idea (c.1970) that all women secretly wanted to be raped. Okay, that looks pretty horrifying from 2009 -- so this currently trendy idea that one should Man Up to win fair lady's favors may go as stinky as last week's gallon of milk before too long.
All that being said, I think the suggestions you've received so far pretty much cover what you can do -- you can only do what you can do about you. Among other things (you may have noticed) men have pretty easily bruised feelings and can be pretty stubborn. You absolutely should apologize as The Wifey points out, simply because it's the right thing to do.
Don't leave him books, because he's not going to read them, because as the WAS he doesn't have a problem -- you obviously have the problem (in the WAS worldview) otherwise he wouldn't have walked-away!
Don't look for justice or a fair accounting of past injuries done. My WAW, for example, never fails to point out that I wasn't "there" for her when her mother died, and never fails to put it in "all I wanted was and he failed" terms -- yet she somehow ALWAYS manages to neglect to mention the fact that I'd only been back from a 15-month tour in Iraq for 6 weeks. So maybe, you know, theoretically, that could have had something to do with my emotional detachment. But I can't expect WAW to tell the story "fairly," because her job isn't making me look good -- it's making HER look good.
And don't be surprised that "his" people and gf listen sympathetically and nod their heads and agree with him -- we generally don't tell our stories to people who won't validate them, and validating is really, at the end of the day, a kind of bullsh*t. We want approval, not analysis.
This, incidentally, is the best thing about the DB online community -- you get legitimate validation (your feelings are okay) AND legitimate criticism.
So listen to the Coach and The Wifey and turn your focus inwards. At the end of the day, you is all you can do.
Having just erased my original answer, it occurs to me that this is in fact rather a sinister question. The men around here, like you, are the LBS; presumably, if we knew the "trick" for getting your H to come back, we'd know the trick for getting our WAWs to do the same.
As to the notion that there's a generic set of things that "men/women" always "want" -- women want a Man, preferably with hairy ears and back, a club, and clothes made from a wildcat's hide (and, if possible, who is named "Alley Oop") -- I find myself in the minority here. In the original version of Woody Allen's play, "Play It Again, Sam," the Woody Allen character has a discussion with his girlfriend over the then-widely accepted idea (c.1970) that all women secretly wanted to be raped. Okay, that looks pretty horrifying from 2009 -- so this currently trendy idea that one should Man Up to win fair lady's favors may go as stinky as last week's gallon of milk before too long.
All that being said, I think the suggestions you've received so far pretty much cover what you can do -- you can only do what you can do about you. Among other things (you may have noticed) men have pretty easily bruised feelings and can be pretty stubborn. You absolutely should apologize as The Wifey points out, simply because it's the right thing to do.
Don't leave him books, because he's not going to read them, because as the WAS he doesn't have a problem -- you obviously have the problem (in the WAS worldview) otherwise he wouldn't have walked-away!
Don't look for justice or a fair accounting of past injuries done. My WAW, for example, never fails to point out that I wasn't "there" for her when her mother died, and never fails to put it in "all I wanted was and he failed" terms -- yet she somehow ALWAYS manages to neglect to mention the fact that I'd only been back from a 15-month tour in Iraq for 6 weeks. So maybe, you know, theoretically, that could have had something to do with my emotional detachment. But I can't expect WAW to tell the story "fairly," because her job isn't making me look good -- it's making HER look good.
And don't be surprised that "his" people and gf listen sympathetically and nod their heads and agree with him -- we generally don't tell our stories to people who won't validate them, and validating is really, at the end of the day, a kind of bullsh*t. We want approval, not analysis.
This, incidentally, is the best thing about the DB online community -- you get legitimate validation (your feelings are okay) AND legitimate criticism.
So listen to the Coach and The Wifey and turn your focus inwards. At the end of the day, you is all you can do.
I love that part about "manning up" being a trend.
We're all programmed to believe something or another. I remember growing up as a kid and hearing that men need to be more sensitive, more emotional, more in tune with their feelings, need to help more at home and with the kids. The previous version of the masculine man was no longer fashionable. So if men become more like women and they're married to heterosexual women, those women want men and if they're not getting whatever that definition of men represents in their eyes, they're looking for it elsewhere and alot of women are getting it elsewhere.
Don't knock the idea that men being masculine attracts women.
It's nature. Human beings can hide behind clothes, cellphones, cars, etc. but in the end we're just animals and those animal instincts exist in us all for the purpose of survival.
SP you said it yourself bluntly in your thread, your wife got a lot hornier. I'm betting she also became alot more aggressive & assertive than she was previously even if these traits existed in abundance before. What does that tell you? You're a smart guy, a very smart guy, do the research on the topic. You're a man, her husband in fact, she could have all the sex she wanted with you if she really wanted before & even now and yet she is still pursuing this divorce and preparing for a single life which includes intimate encounters with other men. She seeking out something she isn't getting from you. Her being "hornier" is definitely a big clue and I'm sure she didn't just want any sex either. With all this extra testosterone pumping in her system, she doesn't just want slow passionate beautiful love making, I'll put good money on the table that she wants to be man handled in bed and receive some very physical sex for long periods of time. Men enter their 30s & 40s and not only is the testosterone production nowhere near it's peak, it's on a downward spiral. On top of that, estrogen production increases in men during this time. No one is pulled aside in school and told this, we're not educated or told what will happen and what we should be expecting. So she has more testosterone and starts to become more masculine, and you with your testosterone production waning & estrogen on the rise are becoming more feminine. Your maternal instincts start to surface, you take care of the home more than she does, you take care of the kids more than she does, she does less of both and on top of that is slowly losing attraction for her husband who is helping more around the house and with the kids. She doesn't want a wife at home, she wants a masculine man, someone to satisfy the new sexual appetite that is growing stronger because of this extra testosterone in her system: it literally is signaling her & urging her to seek out other males to potentially mate with.
Can we suppress these urges? Yes I'm sure we can. Is it easy? Depends on the person I guess, what's easy for some may be difficult for others.
So when you call this "manning up" thing a trend, it isn't a trend, not some popular thing to try out & check out. Sexual polarity isn't a trend, it exists and when it's thrown out of whack, relationships will suffer because of it - it's pretty much a guarantee.
Wifey, I would like to thank you for your kind words and prayers. I appreciate so much you taking the time to sign in and help me with my life right now. I attempted to go and apologize last night, but he was not in. I instead wrote him an email apologizing for my behavior and for what I said. I do know that the mean things I said were not something I should have said and I immediately wanted to shove them back in my mouth after I said them.
The hurt I am feeling and the total lack of respect I am receiving pushed me over an edge. They no longer feel the need to hide that they are together any more. She parks her car at the gym in front of everyone in the town to see. This to me is disrespectful not only to me, but to my children. They have no shame and the idea that I let either one of them into my heart saddens me. I will no longer be entertaining the thought of having any form of reconciliation with my husband. It is now just a matter of him filing for the divorce. Honestly though, it will probably fall on me to do.
How do you go from sleeping in the bed with someone one night to not even having a cell phone number to contact them at the next day? I am working very hard on detaching and believe it or not it is becoming easier. Someone posted something that robx had posted in regard to the LBS possibly having lost their respect and the in love feelings they had for their spouse, but being honorable enough not to cheat and staying with the spouse because they loved them. This was me. I lost my respect for my husband a long time ago. He refused to speak my love language from a few weeks into our relationship. I accepted it and felt empty inside because of it. I would roll over many a night pleading in my head for him to hold me without him fearing he might touch my breast and I might get the wrong idea. I spent many days crying in my car feeling like a paycheck and wishing that he could just once show me he cared for me by doing something as mundane as cleaning the house or remembering something without me having to remind and nag. Making it through brain surgery and needing him to step up and get a job so that I wouldn't have to work so hard and him complaining that his job at Wal-Mart hurt his feet and him quitting because I told him I could take care of us when all I wanted was to rest. So much hurt that I put up with. So much pain that I ate and did so because I made vows and I took them to heart, just to have him and my so called best friend get into a relationship.
My life feels so surreal. I can honestly say that it is now about me and my children.
SP, please do not take my line of questioning in the manner that you did. It just always appears that there is this way that men are supposed to behave in order to get their spouse back and many of the men come in to add to it. As the LBW, I had found it difficult to figure out what I am supposed to do and reached out to you men to get an idea as I am totally clueless.
I return to being dark now. The emailed apology will be my last attempt to speak to my husband. He made his choice and when he chose to protect this woman against me, I now realize the choice will never be me again. I won't be leaving the board, but will be here to give support.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Well, it has been days since I posted and still days since I have spoken to H. Last physical contact was during the blowup. Did take him the mail and left him the book. Wrote an apology by email. Saw OW's car at the gym on Saturday and have since decided to go the long route to work to avoid seeing said vehicle. It's hard for me to realize that it's over. He hasn't filed, but that is just because he doesn't have the money to. I called his mom on Mother's Day and wished her a happy day. Have so many plans to take care of and get to working on.
Time to stop hoping and just start doing. Any advice is great. Any words of encouragement will be highly appreciated.
Anyone ever been so dark as to have no contact at all? The kids we shared are mine and he gave them up.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Do you accept that its over really? It hurts because you still care. When a S walks away, they are in an alternate reality of sorts. Do you want it to be over? Do you want the M restored?
I believe very strongly in my faith and in the vows I took. But, I don't continue to DB because of obligation. I haven't decided that its over. I love my H with all my heart and soul and he will some day come home. That is what I chose.
Only you can decide that its over, or not. So hard to make the decision one way or the other, but the result will be influenced by what you decide. The self-fulfilling prophecy is very real. If you say it is over then it is.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Any advice is great. Any words of encouragement will be highly appreciated.