This is my first blog post - ever..I have been reading people's stories and have gained alot of comfort in knowing that I am not alone in what I am going thru. Here is my story......
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. We do not have children. I am 35 and he is 38. We have been together for 8 years or so. For the past 7 months he has not been able to find a job he feels he wants to commit to. He has been very restless and has been moving around every 2-3 months....searching for whatever it is he needs while I stayed put.
I had tried to talk to him, but he was not open to discussion. We normally have always talked everything thru and so I thought he just needed some space and time to figure it out. I should mention it is the first time he has the freedom to do whatever he wants........jobwise. I knew this would be a difficult transition, but I never thought that he would come to me (2 weeks ago) with divorce papers in hand. He says he has nothing left to give. He says he is confused and doesn't know where his life is going. He doesn't want the responsibility of a wife. He doesn't want a wife. He just wants to be alone. He has not only withdrawn from me, but also his own family and friends. He doesn't want to talk.
I don't feel like this is really happening. We have not really even had a fight. How come HE has decided to divorce me by himself and I just have to sit back and accept this. Its frustrating. I thought this is exactly why being married is valuable! When you are lost, there is someone there who will understand you and give u what u require at that time or at least stand by and hold your hand while you figure it out?
He has agreed to meet me for a weekend - a month from now. Until then, I have cut off all financial ties with him and am trying to get thru one day at a time. I am wondering what I should expect from this first and perhaps only meeting? If he does not know why he has filed for divorce and yet wants it, how am I supposed to really stop this from happening?
And in the meantime, I cannot initiate any contact, according to the DR and I am having the hardest time with this. I texted him this afternoon and now am regretting this. I know I am not supposed to persue him........sigh. I just am left with "What the heck happened to call it completely quits???" Can I do anything right now?
I start working in a month and so have so much time on my hands and not alot of funds. But, I am concentrating on improving my independent self, but want to know how to proceed. If anyone has any suggestions, it would be great. Thank you.
Today really has been a very difficult day. I had such a PMA yesterday and then today, I just woke up feeling hopeless about the situation. I need to make a plan for tomorrow. I think that will help me get thru the rest of today. Not much else going on. It is nice to just have a space where I can write and share my thoughts.
Sorry to see your here, but know that your not alone. My advice to you is to keep concentrating at this point on your self and getting your self in a better position for now. I know it is hard not to want to call, text or e mail but for now let it go and concentrate on your self. It is also harder to try and understand why this is happening, take it one day at a time!!
I am sure more will post here that give you much more insight as to what direction you should go pertaining to your sitch. Keep reading and doing what the books tell you to do and you find that they all will help immensely.
Good luck,
Sorrow
Met W2B 2/9/2000 M 2/9/2002 S 11/5/2008 D Finalized 4/16/2009 SS 17 SD 20 D 15 S 16 Keeping the faith that we will be together once again ILYBNILWY
Orchid, you need to mentally prepare yourself. There is no quick fix. There will be a lot of down days in the near future, especially if you're not working right now (I know from personal experience). Plan as much as you can. Make a daily itinerary and keep yourself busy.
Look around for sandi2's list of things to do/not do. It's a great resource and right now it's helpful to have a set of guidelines to follow.
Use this time to focus on yourself. If your H did not give you any reasons for his decision it's up to you to conduct an honest assessment of your relationship and yourself. What attitudes/behaviors did you exhibit in the past that your H commented on? How can you become the best person you can be? This situation sucks. The only way to turn the pain into something positive is to use this opportunity for personal growth. Sounds trite I know, but honestly that's the only thought that kept me going some days.
So...what have you always wanted to try? Do you have a hobby that you haven't done in a long time? If you need inspiration watch the movie "Yes Man."
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you so much for the support and I will check out sandi2 to help fill the day in a more constructive way.
What have I wanted to do? I am just not really sure....I have always wanted to read alot more than I do now....I have wanted to join a book club for years. My H had always tried to get me to do things outside the home. I am more of a home body and just content in my space. The only thing I can think of that he has commented on is that I am not pro-active with my life and that is a hard pill to swallow, but the more I think of it, the more I think it is true. I have bursts of being pro-active, but I am not consistent with it.
The other thing he has said to me in the past month or so.....but not argued over...is that I have been unappreciative of the things he has done for me. For example, he bought me some books for my career and I responded with "I really would rather choose my own books for my career, but thank you". We are in the same field, but he is further along in his career. It bugged him more than I would have guessed, bc he brought it up 3 months after the fact. Even then, I apologized and said I do appreciate him.
He has been a wonderful H. Even now, he seems as torn up about this as I am. There has been no yelling, cursing, screaming, or saying mean things to each other. He just seems.......distant.......and seems he is careful about how far he wants to let me in. I am trying to not expect anything. I told him a few days ago...the last time we spoke......to just let things sit for awhile and I didn't want to talk about the R or the D. We can deal with it in a month when he comes to see me.
He seemed to become much more relaxed after that. We still only spoke for 15 min. I guess that is, at least, somthing. I am afraid to be hopeful.
It is scary to have no say in what is going on in his head. He told me he would talk to his best friend...but, still has not gone to see him yet. Why does he just want to be ALONE? I don't get it. He has been doing that for 3 months now and he has had no resolution of whatever issues he is facing.
Today, so far, has been a good day. I have had some things I need to get finished and also will be meeting a friend for a matinee and lunch. That will be a nice break from all this.
I really appreciate your kind words and it really helps to write and to read your responses. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.
Its almost 10pm and I made it thru another day. I don't even know how the time is passing.....but it does eventually become night time and then the process of trying to sleep. Its this crazy repetitive routine that I have to get used to. I still keep trying to figure out what happened...and what I can do to make him see the reality. I know.....I cannot do one thing. Its frustrating.
Today the day went by quickly as I went to see a movie and had dinner with my friend. I have 3 more weeks of this before I have to move and start my new job. Sigh. Its tough at night....its tough first thing in the morning....
well...I don't even have anything to say. Have not heard from H in 2 full days now. I feel depressed about that. It has been 2 weeks yesterday since he declared and gave me the D papers and he has not initiated contact one time.
How does one prepare themselves for months and months of this. I keep reading other people's situations and am just amazed at so many people who are picking themselves up and just moving on with their lives.
I feel disheartened. I want some sign of hope every single day. I know this is not a realistic expectation and yet, this is what I want. AHHHHH!
I will do better tomorrow. I will find something to emerse myself in so that I am not constantly thinking about him.
How does one prepare themselves for months and months of this. I keep reading other people's situations and am just amazed at so many people who are picking themselves up and just moving on with their lives.
It doesn't happen overnight It starts with focusing on yourself and doing the things you enjoy and maybe didn't do when you were together. One day at a time.
I am not one to really give sound advice as far as DBing. I just wanted to chime in so you know people are reading your posts and here to talk if you want
Thank you Kenn for your response. It helps to know someone is out there....with the same basic goal and on my side.
I know this is my problem and I am trying to use this blog as an outlet and a way to work out things that are going on in my head. It is crazy, but I can just sit in one place all day and just keep thinking about this. I have to make a really conscious effort to not be that person. I know that I am more than my marriage.
I think focusing on myself is a more difficult process than I thought it was going to be. I am usually focused on everyone else. It feels "foreign" and definately uncomfortable to be concentrating on myself.
I started reading a novel and I can read about a page before I find myself spacing out, trying to come up with some plan to get H back. Its desperate! I know it.......I just don't know how to stop my mind from going there.
I feel like I am just holding on......and any minute I am just going to become a big ball of tears. It accomplishes nothing.
The only thing on my agenda is to work on myself. I am a caretaker.....of others.....not necessarily myself. Sigh.
I have been reading some of the to do lists and don't do lists....
I am definately not making an effort to have a PMA. I kept thinking it has to come....magically....when I start getting over what is happening to me....However, as I am reading, it seems to me this is a very active process. I need to force and make myself be in a PMA, even if I can just attain this for 10 min at a time and then increase the time frame.
Other than that, I need to set goals. I have not done that. I don't know how to go about doing this. I think I need to go read. The only goal I have is to get my H back. That is my short goal and long term goal. That needs to change.
Any suggestions anyone about how to go about setting goals?
It starts with focusing on yourself and doing the things you enjoy and maybe didn't do when you were together. One day at a time.