New to this Community seeking advice

[healthydad]

Hey JR,
Looks like you're going through a lot of what has to hit you on yet another quiet weekend. While I think the answer to your question is yes, a lot of WAS do think about their spouses more than one might expect - I think the deeper matter is what you're doing with your thoughts. Don' start sabotaging your own progress with too many thoughts about things that are so far out of your control. For some people, I think even having the spouse in the same home is not indicator how whether or not the WAS is thinking about things...

Do you think it's possible for your W to think about your sons without thinking of you? Especially at their age? As you know, my situation is different from yours since reconciliation is already off the table for me - but I know, nevertheless, that my STBX thinks about me - sometimes I learn it through conversations with her sisters (who still wants to remain friends with me) - sometimes I just pick up on it through stuff she says in email. That said, I imagine a lot of what she thinks of me is negative - since she has had to foster a very negative impression of me in order to justify her actions - so - what do I do? I remain true to myself. I think the same goes for you - though the circumstances are different. You stay true to yourself - and put your energy there - and I think you'll be fine.

I think the more support you can offer your W - while still staying true to yourself - the more calm you will find with yourself.

I've been physically separated from my STBX since last Oct - though were were separated and still living together since about last May. And yet I still think about her - not that I want to be with her again - though I still think about what I had hoped for - what we had worked toward - and what was lost. My thinking it part of regaining my footing in my life - and trying to separated my sense of self from the unhealthy idea of myself that I had internalized for too many years - and so I think about the ten years I spent with her. My STBX never got past trying to hold me responsible for everything that is wrong in her life - and that's a big difference between my sitch and yours - since I think your W must see how hard you've worked - and she must certainly see how much you care about her and your boys.

DBing is a long and painful process - it's mind numbing how long it can go on - and I do believe its true that it can take much, much longer to get through than one expects - which is why it is just so vital to use that time to work on yourself - improve yourself as much as possible - so that, in the end, if you reconcile, you will be a better person, and if you don't, you will still be a better person.

Also...one thing that crossed my mind as I was reading about your desire to respect your W's wishes - and not pushing things in terms of seeing yours sons - is that you should be sure to find ways to assert yourself in a kind way - to assert yourself and your rights to keep that bond with your boys. The relationship with your children should not be diminished because of the issues with your W...What are you like when she first fell in love with you? Perhaps you can bring those strengths into the considerably patient, calm and kind person you are...All by way of saying that you may have to remind yourself that you're a valuable person that someone would be sad to lose - see yourself that way, accept that about yourself, and that self confidence emanates.

Do you have a scheduled time when you talk with your boys?

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Thanks Carlos.

Great to hear from you again. Thanks for the rational explanation. To answer your question: I don't have a set time to call the boys. I try every 3 days. The boys usually use my W's cell phone so I always feel a bit uneasy always calling her cell phone.

I don't want her to think that I am harassing her or pursuing/begging by calling the boys. Sometimes she picks up the call and gives the cell phone to the boys. Most of the time I pick up her voicemail and tell her I'm checking in for the boys and her as well. The boys end up calling me later.

I know the boys put up a good front on the phone when we chat. I know it hurts them to talk to me because they miss me, especially my S10. He's very sensitive and keeps his answers short. I know how emotional he can get since we are not together.

Anyway. I'm OK. I did my crying tonight for a few minutes. It's good to let it out now and then. I miss my W and kids terribly, just like so many others on this forum. I do email my boys frequently, so that's a good thing. I love my W with all my heart and wish she could experience the new me. She probably already has through our linkups here and there, and occasional phone contacts, albeit brief.

Well Carlos, you are a great support. Thanks again. sorry about your W. I admire your calm attitude and very wise outlook on everything. I guess I do struggle with being in limboland. I understand how vital it is to work on myself. It truly is the only way to survive all this.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Hey, sorry I haven't been around lately.

I've been working 2 jobs, trying to save up for a house. Never expected to be going in on a mortgage all alone, but life is what it is.

If you ever come TDY out to Cali, you better let me know lol.

Sorry you had a rough weekend. Those still hit me every once in a while too.

From my quick read, I see a lot of positives. Your W pulled back, but that's not necessarily a negative.

Also, about her not wanting you to drive up on a school night - if the boys are upset after your visits, they probably would be super cranky about going to school the next day, not to mention distracted and possibly argumentative. That's a lot of stress the kids don't need, the teachers don't need, and she doesn't need. So, as you pointed out to yourself, don't see that as a negative. The fact that you are making the effort is a big check in the plus column as a dad, so just focus on that.

I took the weekend off from working out as well, since I kicked my own butt doing an APFT on Friday lol.

Going running after work though. Time to work the kinks out.

[JR09]

Michelle,

Glad to know you are back. Thanks for the encouragement. You must be at the Presidio...just guessing...I'm thinking about going there for Thanksgiving to visit a friend.

I have my APFT in 2 wks. Gotta go back to the gym tomorrow.I'm doing much better today. Didn't do much really. Just tried my best to refocus mentally and not draw "dramatic" conclusions about my W.

I noticed that the more I attempt to figure out how she feels, the more it drags me down. I always end up with worst case scenario situations...Like Carlos says "it's just wasted energy"

Thanks for checking in. I hope you are doing well with your sitch. You sound upbeat and balanced. You are doing great.

Army Strong

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

Glad to hear you sounding more upbeat...seems you are taking good care of yourself.

Keep moving forward.

V.

[JR09]

THANKS Veronica.

I don't know if I'm really moving forward. But I stopped backsliding for now. Thanks again for keeping me in check, V.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Well, stopping backsliding in the first step. A lot of this process is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I'm actually a couple hours away from the Presidio since I'm doing the National Guard thing currently. I work near the Capital for a supremely awesome boss (I don't know how many others would have put up with my sick days and coming in late the first few months of this mess lol).

[JR09]

Jornaling.

I'm here in my office reading the posts on this forum. I thought about calling my W and chat, but felt maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. So I went with my gut feeling and decided not to call. Been talking with this friend yesterday. He said that eventually I'll have to bring up the issue of R one day. He said if I am still officially married then I should at least do something about it and ask my W what's going to happen next

This friend continued on and said if my W doesn't want to re-engage then she needs to finish what she started and finalize the D proceedings. I just listened but didn't feel it to heed his advice. Maybe I've programmed myself that it's all going to be OK in the end and my W will re-engage soon.

In any case, I wonder: in my situation of 15 months of separation and D proceedings dismissed, when is it OK to bring up the R talk with my W, if I were ever to do so?

JR

[healthydad]

Hi JR,
I think you were right to listen to your gut and to hold off on calling your W to chat - those initial instincts just don't often play out right in this situation.

I can understand your friends advice (and impatience) - it's just natural. Before this all started for me, I would have given (and did receive) the same kind of advice - and whenever I followed it, it backfired. It's just such a classic way to push someone who is already questioning things further away. While you friend might be right that she needs to finish what she started - you have to ask yourself just how much more patience you have.

Though my father's situation is different from yours and mine, he was separated from his second wife for four years before they got back together. During that time, he decided to go on with his life - and just leave it up to her to decide what to do next, and when to get the divorce. That was an unusual move for him - since he was the one who had pushed to divorce my mother (they're so different, I don't understand how they were ever together) - and he's also very assertive and proactive. But with his second wife, for whatever reason, he did not push it - just let her go at her pace and kept communication open.

Honestly, I just think talking about R is always a bad thing - even in a good relationship...I often find myself thinking that it's more important to "be" in an R and to talk about life - to offer one another support, etc, than to talk about the R - since R talk inevitably puts on person in some sort of defensive position - and that just never seems to go well.

From my perspective, it would be best to let your W bring up R/M - and if she does, then you listen and validate - you don't have to agree with everything she has to say - but you can let her know that you understand her POV and appreciate her openness with you (I would not suggest any of this, however, if your W were abusive - since, in my experience with my STBX, an abusive spouse takes validation of any kind and runs with it).

One thing, though, that your friend might be right about - is that you have to do more about getting on with your life. Acting as if you are fine, if need be - doing more for yourself might at first seem kind of selfish - but there is a healthy way to take care of yourself - and though I think you've already found it - sometimes it seems like too much of what you do keeps you in a state of solitude. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest you start dating - though I would suggest that you allow yourself the independence to go out and spend time among other people - interact with strangers - women even - just to get some reminders of who you are on your own, when you're happy and when you're feeling confident.

Have you checked out the Stockdale Paradox? Coach references it often: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

-Carlos.

[MichelleLT]

If your W re-engages, you will see it in her actions.

Those baby steps will keep building.

If she doesn't, she will consistently withdraw and refile the D papers.

What will talking about it change? Will you really know anything for sure? Or will is cause stress and undermine the positive interactions you have been building on?

If you had just started dating someone would you expect them to talk about where the R was going at this point?

What you are trying to build with your W is a new R. The old one is dead. You are starting from square one. So, if you wouldn't talk about it with a date, don't talk about it with your W, IMHO.