New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

OK, Michelle. Good advice. So what's your take again on my W's silence? No news is good news, right?

JR

[MichelleLT]

She will see what you are doing with the kids. She will hear about your life from conversations with the kids. She will see, the information will be there if she wants to notice.

She is thinking. She is processing. She needs to withdraw to do that, most of us draw inwards to change, kind of like a butterfly in its cocoon.

What she will decide when she emerges is unknown.

You can be the person she married. You can be a great father. Those all will be considered in the decision, but she is the one who will make the decision.

The only control you have over her decision is if you decide to end it first. And you are in for the long haul. So, you have to give her room and time to process, and set yourself up for the best odds. Which you are doing a great job of.

[JR09]

Michelle,

You have the insight of wisdom. THANKS. It gives me peace. I got it. Do not rush. Do not pry. Do not push. Do not pressure. Silence doesn't necessarily mean bad. Silence is also good for inner reflection. And patience is what I have to allow myself to continue working on myself...regardless of the outcome of my W's silent reflection.

THANKS Michelle.

JR

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

I have been following along, just been quiet. I want to give you a gentle reminder that I often need to give myself (or get from friends)...try to turn your mental focus back towards yourself. I see a lot of your thinking directed towards what your wife is thinking. This is normal...and human...and we all do it in all of our relationships...and it is fruitless.

Mindreading gets us nowhere. Take that considerable will power of yours and use it to keep working on making your life all it can be.

I hope this is coming across as I intend it...a kind nudge. I need those sometimes, too, and have the good fortune of having friends willing to give them to me.

I think you are showing amazing strength through all of this, JR.

V.

[JR09]

Veronica,

Long time no hear. Great to hear from you. I sure do appreciate your nudge. I find myself preoccupied by what my W is thinking that at times I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I believe I am just looking for reassurance that all is well in my mind and that I am not reacting the wrong way.

Thanks for your insight. I hope this finds you well. I'll try harder to refocus on myself and REALLY do it. It's hard stuff to apply after 16 months of separation. Sometimes I find myself asking questions, second guessing, doubting. In the midst of the "fog of war", it's sometimes difficult to see the clear picture and press on with DBing.

I keep telling myself I've worked hard to get to where I am today. Now is not the time to backslide...with or without my W.

Thanks again Veronica. it's good to have reminders and people to get me back on the right track. BTW, I now call my boys every other day, and they text me on the days when I don't call. I think we are communicating well throughout the week.

JR

[JR09]

Halloween night. No W or boys in the house. I still bought candy and gave it away. It's evenings like these that really make me miss my family. Lots of memories of the boys and my W going out to trick or treat. I was always the one at the door to give out the candy.Great memories.

Well, I may be alone, but it was still fun to see the little kids come to my place for candy. I had a good time. I'm sure my boys also had a great time with Mom. I know they did. I sent them a text to tell them I was at the door ready to welcome the hordes of kids for the evening.

I'm hanging in there. I'm going to watch college football and a movie to end the day.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Glad you had a good halloween, even if it was a bit lonely.

I keep telling myself I've worked hard to get to where I am today. Now is not the time to backslide...with or without my W.

That is a perfect goal!

[JR09]

Called my W's cell to talk with the boys last SUN, but no answer, just the voicemail. Left a message. Still no return call. Called again yesterday TUE to link up with the boys. Phone directly kicked into the voicemail. Left message. I'm wondering what's going on. Well, there has to be a logical explanation I'm sure. My W is usually good at passing the cell phone to the boys when I call.

Anyway, that got me bummed last night. The good thing is that I didn't call repeatedly to leave messages like I did 16 months ago after my W left to go home to her parents. Anyway...

JR

[MichelleLT]

That is good news.

That really sucks that you haven't talked to your kids.

Is there another way you could get in touch with them? I hesitate to say call her parents...but they're your kids....and as grandparents they should understand wanting to keep in touch with them. Especially if you explicitly say "I haven't been able to talk to the boys and was wondering if they were around" or some such?

Granted, might piss her off. And/or them. I don't know the personalities well enough to guess. BUT, they're your kids. Just my two cents.

[JR09]

The boys finally called today. I'm glad. I knew there was a logical explanation to this week-long silence. My W's brother and wife came over to visit. I actually stayed in their home after my TDY a month ago. I talked at lenght with the wife and she knows how I am doing, etc. Funny they are the ones coming to visit my W and her parents. They probably told the parents and my W about my overnighter visit. Actually I know they did because my S12 told me about it too.

I did some GAL last evening and attending a church family dinner. It was great having a family meal with families and kids running around. Sure miss it. This wife approached me and asked me how I was doing. She is the first one to ask me after 16 months. A lot of church people probably know but never dared to ask what really happened. We talked a bit. She offered some encouragement. That was nice.

I am glad I talked to the boys. They sounded good. Upbeat. We talked about school, grades, boy stuff. I sure am glad the boys know how much I love and miss them. If anything, I got closer to all my boys during this 16 month-separation. Long-distance fatherhood is not easy but I'm doing the best I can. At least the boys know I have never given up on them. I've never given up on my W either. The boys know that. Maybe the W knows it too...Do you think she does?

16 months and holding.

JR