New to this Community seeking advice

[healthydad]

Hey JR,
I've been off-site for a long time...but just thought I would check in today and see how things are going for you. I think MrBond is right - you have to be assertive - especially when it comes to the kids. As for respect/anger - you really can't determine what her response will be - you can only determine whether or not your actions are in the best interests of your children.

Back when you first started posting I remember you mentioned a bit about who you were when you and your wife first met and fell in love - you were strong and assertive - sometimes, when we pass through periods of anger, it's easy to mistake strength and assertiveness for anger and intimidation - but it doesn't have to be that way. Being strong, being assertive, especially when done in the best interests of your children, can be a pivotal step toward being even more true to yourself.

As you know, my X and I (we went to court at the end of April, filed papers, and are not just waiting on formalities) not reconciled - however, even though I no longer want to be with her, I do see how my personality affects her. For a long time - too long, I would say, I would simply say or do things to try to make things smoother for her - avoid tension/be kind/etc - but recently she has just gone too far on several occasions when it came to time with my son. I finally just kind of blew up a bit - asserted myself in a way that seemed to catch her by surprise - but that also made it clear to her that I am not a pushover. Since then, I've noticed a chance in how she responds to me - why she has changed, I can't say - her reasons for doing things have long since stopped making sense to me - but that she changed is obvious...and she has responded with a lot more respect for my role as my son's father.

That said...it's important to stay calm and in control when being assertive - given her experience with your PTSD, I imagine she's very sensitive to any show of anger on your part...

Anger is okay, though...it's how we express that anger that matters most.

Hang in there, my friend.
-c.

[MichelleLT]

Skype is free. If you haven't used it, FYI, you just need a computer on each end and a webcam for each. You should try and set up regular chats with the boys. I'm sure they would love it, and it might have the side effect of letting her "see" you more.

Handle it calmly, but this is not something you should back down on. Time with your kids is important and you need to be part of their lives.

Any luck on possibly finding a job where you can move closer to them?

[JR09]

Carlos,

So great to hear from you. sure missed your calm wisdom. Michelle has been coaching me quite a bit during all these months, so it's been a blessing. M.Bond also shared quite a bit of wisdom last night. very helpful all three of you!

Thanks for more counsel. I hear what you say about assertiveness. It's got to be a fine balance between not too little and not too much I guess. Too little and you get walked on like a rug. Too much and you lost your cool.

I'm glad you haven't lost of your calming effect. Good job on maintaining!!!. I hope S12 is doing good too.

JR

[JR09]

Michelle,

Thanks for the Skype suggestion. Sounds like a plan. I'll work on it ASAP. As far as moving closer to W and boys, I keep applying for jobs there, but so far no luck. I hope something will open up soon...no easy thing to transition from active duty...

In any case, I'll try Skype for sure. Almost a face-to-face encounter, right? I see the common denominator you, Carlos, and M.Bond are emphasizing here: I need to stand my ground when it comes to the Boys. The message is clear: I CARE for the Boys and I will fight for them whatever the situation.

THANKS,
JR

[MichelleLT]

How's it going?

[JR09]

Michelle,

I'm OK. Not the greatest. Just OK. No breakthrough. Just time and patience. This truly is the ultimate test I've ever gone through. I hope my boys will remember that I haven't given up on my W, their mother. I hope they will remember.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Kids are very observant. And often very simple - they pick up on emotions and energy easily, they see through the BS we adults get so caught up in.

They know.

And more importantly, they know you haven't given up on them. Keep showing them.

[JR09]

Haven't contacted my W for 2 weeks now. I wonder if she'll initiate contact like she did last time. Either way, maybe that's what she really wanted: no contact from me. Again, that's OK. Gives her time to really think things through.

I sure miss her though. That's for sure...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Whether it's because it's what she wants or what she needs, it's what you need to do right now.

It's a tough line to walk trying to give her space while not letting it interfere with your relationship with the kids. But you can negotiate it I'm sure.

How long can you wait before you need to get the dates nailed down for your next visit? Can you get the kids school start dates from them?

[JR09]

Michelle,

Great to hear from you again. I emailed my W a couple of weeks ago and told her I have leave secured for the first 2 weeks of AUG. So those are my set leave dates.

My plan is to bring the Boys back to CO where we can all stay in our home. Too expensive staying in a hotel...I can't afford it anymore...I will ask W if that's OK with her, then go from there. The boys are excited. And I can't wait. I hope my W won't have any issues with my bringing the boys back home for 2 weeks...She hasn't responded to my email, so I assume it's probably OK...More to follow.

Man, this sucks, period. But I embrace the suck...

JR