New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Well, I talked to the Boys this evening for a few minutes then talked with W to ask her how we will link up so I can take the Boys for 2 weeks. Very enjoyable phone conversation. I did exactly what you said Michelle. I left it up to W to give me the details of our link up.

I told her we can link up wherever she wants, no worries. I think she sounded surprised about that. She gave a few suggestions, and I was OK with all her ideas about date, location, etc. She always paused after I agreed with everything she said. She then asked me where I would take the boys. I told her I will take them back here to CO then drive them back to wherever she wants me to meet her.

She didn't put up a fight about my taking them back here to CO. I gave her a little idea of all the activities we'll engage in and said the Boys should have a lot of fun. She even lingered longer than usual on the phone, maybe to listen to me talk, I don't know.

In any case it was a very pleasant conversation. W even suggested to drive down to CO to pick up the boys. I told her I'd meet her halfway or would even drive to all the way to ID to drop off the Boys. I told her I'll meet her wherever is most convenient for her.

No tension at all in our conversation. I think the whole conversation lasted a little over 20 min. That's quite the conversation...My only mistake: I did a lot of talking. W just listened to me and asked about the neighbors, then listened some more. She was concerned about the price of the activities we'll engage in. I said everything is thru MWR so it will be dirt cheap on Post.

Thanks for your counsel Michelle. I was afraid of the reaction over the phone, but it turned out just fine.

JR

[JR09]

Michelle,

Just a question: Is it too pushy or clingy if I extend an invitation for my W to join the Boys and I, even for a couple of days? I figure maybe I should bank on our phone conversation and follow up with an invitation... what's your take?

JR

[healthydad]

Hey JR,

I know your question was for Michelle - and she and I might differ on this - but I think you should not extend that an invitation to your W to join you guys. Maybe say something like, "hey, if you want to join us, that would be cool too" - but I would not make it an outright invitation...Stuff that would make so much sense in a regular relationship just feels like clinging to the person that it questioning things. That said, I believe only you know what is best for your situation - and so I think you should follow your instincts. If you know that asking might push her away, and you're okay with that - then may it's fine to ask - if you know that asking might push her away, and you don't want to risk that...than focus on you and your boys.

Sounds like you're planning on a great time with your boys. I just dropped my oldest son off at an indoor rock-climbing camp...he could not be more excited...

Take care,
Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

So good to hear from you, Carlos. Thanks for the insight. I was wondering if extending the invite would sound clingy. My first reaction was to NOT invite, but I wasn't too sure. That's why I asked the question...

Hey, Carlos, my boys and I will also be doing rock climbing stuff. Should be a lot of fun!!!

I hope this finds you well. I'm glad you are still around.

JR

[MichelleLT]

I agree with Carlos completely.

Sounds like a very nice conversation. Glad she was asking questions and the conversation felt pretty natural. It's always nice to be able to surprise the WAS LOL. Feels good to throw them a loop and make them realize that you are not 100% the person they think you are. There's something invigorating about feeling like you've made them challenge their assumptions. It always made me feel like he'd have doubts and second thoughts (and he admitted later that he did).

Only thing you didn't write that I would ask is who ended the conversation first? Hope it was you.

[JR09]

Michelle,

I did end the conversation first, but not rushing it or anything. Just ended it with: "OK W, just call me when it's time to link up and I'll come pick up the Boys...". She just replied "I will".

JR

[JR09]

I watched this program on TV last night about this couple that's divorcing yet still live in the same house. I was asking myself what would have been their outcome had they tried DB/DR. Maybe they did, maybe not. I could feel the tension with the W even if it was thru a TV screen. The W reminded me of my W when she left me: bitter, mad, angry, spewing venom all around.

Thank goodness my W seems to have evolved out of her anger stage. Maybe when she reaches her acceptance stage she'd be more willing to open her heart/mind to reconciliation. Anyway, just thinking...wishful thinking...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Ugh. That has to be even worse than S. I think it actually makes the chance of R less when a couple doesn't S because they don't have the space to see what D would be like and miss being M.

You have made a lot of good strides for yourself, worked hard on yourself, and worked hard on how you interact with your W. It has paid off in that you are building a much better parenting R even if she isn't to the point of considering reconciliation. Keep doing the work and see where it takes you. No expectations that it'll work out, no guaranteed results, but hope, definitely hope for it to work out.

[JR09]

Getting close to seeing the boys again. I'm excited. I have my leave form all signed. Can't wait to be on the road in the next couple of days. I'll show my best self to W. No expectations. Just make memories, be happy, and be patient.

JR

[JR09]

As I am detaching, I understand I am sending the W the message that I am moving on. I've never taken my wedding ring off for the past 17 years, even after my W left two years ago.

I will soon link up with my W to take the boys with me for two weeks. Do I take my wedding ring off to emphasize the "moving on" part or do I keep it on?

Insight anyone?

JR