New to this Community seeking advice

[Espr444]

Hey guys,
Just caught the end of the thread my wife hasn't always worn her ring even when we were togeather, but we understood each other.

I know a lot of spouses that don't weare their's. Although Since she dropped the Bomb again she hasn't worn it since. Yes I still wear mine and probbly will till it's all said and done. I guess everyone is different.

[MichelleLT]

I have friends that just celebrated their 10th anniversary yesterday. Neither of them wear their rings.

He is a firefighter. If you've ever seen what melted metal can do to the human hand it's pretty obvious why he doesn't wear his ring.

She works in a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant. After damaging her rings the third time, she put them in their safe and left them there.

That's not a reflection of their commitment to each other though.

On the other hand, the WAS taking off their ring is most definitely a statement of commitment. Or lack thereof.

[JR09]

Well, I made contact with W when I picked up the boys. Seems like she has overcome her fear of being near me. That's a big step. She didn't mind my being close while we chatted. She never talked about D. She just asked about my plans after I leave active duty this DEC. She didn't mention anything about money, financial support. Just really wanted to find out about my plans.

At first she said her car was not starting anymore. She wanted us to swap cars. I said I didn't want to because I needed to drive 600 miles back with the boys to come back to CO and be with the boys for 2 weeks. I told her she needed to ask her father or her brothers to fix her car. I said there was no money to buy another one. I stood my ground. Her brother showed up and actually fixed the car...

W and I chatted in the meantime about the boys, how she was doing, her school, health, etc. Very nice and very pleasant chat. No tension at all. I even joked a bit and she smiled at the joke. We talked about the boys and managed to laugh together about them. I thanked her brother for fixing her car, gave him and his wife a hug, and joked with them briefly while W was watching. Her brother was very friendly as we told some pleasantries. W also broke into a smile...

W made sure I got all her instructions correctly about giving the boys their medications. I deliberately took notes to show her I got everything down. Last time I was with the boys, I forgot to follow up S11 with his meds and missed a few days...which made W quite upset...

I then told W how proud I was of her for her schooling and for having the courage to break away from me when I was struggling with my PTSD anger. I told her I was really proud of her. I kinda got emotional and cried a bit. I looked at her and noticed she also got teary eyed as well.

Before the boys and I left, I told her she could come to lunch with us if she wanted to. I think she really wanted to but just said "no, just go, you need time with the boys. They were really expecting you for awhile". So we left.

All in all, I thought it was a positive encounter. No tension at all. W behaved exactly as if we were still married. Just concerned about not spending too much money.

Positive meeting. That's really what took place. I'm glad.

The boys and I are traveling back to CO. We are having a blast.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Overall that sounds awesome!!!!

It's amazing how a heartfelt apology and some encouragement can help so much.

You and the boys have a wonderful time!!!!!

[healthydad]

You sound good. Have a wonderful time with your boys! Share some stories about their bouldering experiences.

-c.

[JR09]

The boys and I are having a great time together. Our water rafting trip was memorable. I fell in the river twice...we also camped out and fished a lot. I fished nothing. S12 fished two rainbow trouts. S11 and S7 are having a blast.

W called yesterday to check on the boys and to tell me that her car is not doing good at all. She's asking me if she can use the credit card to charge the repairs...I wasn't sure what to say. I just said I'll check on that.

Someone told me once that W can't live the life of a divorced woman and enjoy the benefits of a married woman by using the money earned by the husband...I don't know what to do. W was very nice over the phone (probably because she was asking for money), but somehow, she's been nice for the past few encounters.

Shall I help her out financially or let her find her own solution with her parents, brothers, etc? I always keep in mind that repairing the car will ultimately help the boys as well, who are my priority for now..."Punishing" her would also "punish" the boys...

No idea...

JR

[JR09]

Still having the time of my life with the boys. Making lots of memories...W spoke with the kids and told them the hand-off will be done FRI morning. So I called her back and told her I'd rather do the hand-off SAT morning so I can have an extra day with the Boys. It's not like I see them every day...

W was pretty upset over the phone. But surprisingly she said "whatever JR, I'll see them SAT morning", then she hung up. I didn't want her to be upset, but I was glad she agreed to that extra day. The boys were of course very happy.

I just hope standing my ground for an extra day won't backfire on me...Then again, what difference does it make? My W doesn't live with me anymore, so what? What counts is that I have an extra day with the boys. They are my only priority...

Just venting.

JR

[JR09]

I had a dream last night that I was reuniting with my W...sure it's just a dream, and probably denotes my deepest wish to be with my W again. The dream woke me up and made me think about last night's short phone interaction with my W again...

She always complained that I always had my way. Maybe I should have stuck to her wishes last night and just agree to link up as planned FRI morning instead of fighting for an extra day to be with the boys.

What should be done here: showing her that I don't have to always go against her wishes and hand off the boys FRI? Or sticking to her agreeing to the SAT hand-off (albeit this really made her upset...)?

JR

[JR09]

I've been thinking more about this...The boys saw me stick up for that extra day with them. I think it's good they saw me do that.

In the great scheme of things, what's an extra day anyways, right? Maybe it's a power struggle with my W, a chance to test me and see if I have changed...who knows...

But in the eyes of my boys, I fought for that extra day and got it. The fact that we get to be together for one extra full day is important in their eyes. That's what matters most in the end.

Someone said on this forum that you have to win the respect of your WAS by standing your ground and not appear weak. Is this what we are talking about here? It's a fine line to show my w that I have changed by not fighting her on every point,and, standing my ground to get an extra day with my boys...

JR

[pinhead]

I just hope standing my ground for an extra day won't backfire on me...Then again, what difference does it make? My W doesn't live with me anymore, so what? What counts is that I have an extra day with the boys. They are my only priority...

Just venting.

JR

Don't be afraid of her reactions. She's a big girl, she could have said no. Don't mind read.