New to this Community seeking advice

[TimeHeals]

No GAL today. Now is probably the most crucial time to GAL so I don't spiral down my depression tunnel. But I don't even have any motivation or strenght to GAL.

Do your laundry, clean your place, take care of the bills, take care of business, and then think of things you want to do in the near future. Stop looking back so much. Shift your perspective to getting things done and making plans, and things get better way faster.

A workout routine is good for this too.

The WAS secret: while they are planning thier escape, imagining their perfect future, they aren't looking back with regret, and that's why it feels better to them to keep doing that stuff. They are tuned into the future (even if they aren't doing a good risk/cost-benefit alaysis), so there is less time for regret while they do that stuff.

[knightinneed]

In other words as Gucci and RobX points out too. If you become the WAW yourself and go on with no regret that is your best shot at reconcilliation.

[JR09]

Thanks Time and Knight,

Appreciate the encouragement. I'll do some of the GAL you suggested, Time. It's easy and doesn't cost anything...just the motivation to get off my butt, shift my attitude, and DO it.

I did call S13 to wish him a happy birthday. Got to chat with S11 and S7 as well. I also talked with W and told her about my plans to come up this Labor Day weekend and see the boys. She asked me how am I going to pay for the trip (it's 900 miles one way). I just said I'll manage. I told her I have the hotel secured and I'd like to see the boys FRI evening, SAT, and will swap them with W SUN morning.

She had a long pause. Then she switched the topic to asking me to help her pay a dental bill. I told her I didn't have any money to give. I'm also on a budget. She asked me why each time I deposit my monthly "child support" money of $1600, it actually translates to about $1100 in her account. I told her that each time she spends past the $1600, the bank recoups anything above that amount my W spent when I make the next monthly deposit...

I keep a good record of each transaction that is made so I gave her specific numbers to back up what I said. She listened carefully. I asked her to provide me with the actual dental bill. She just said "OK, don't worry about it". It pains me to know that she has a $400 dental bill, but I really don't have the funds to help her. Maybe her parents can...After all, this is how it is to live separate lives...As someone put it on the forum, it's time W needs to put on her big girl panties with a reality check...

After the smoke cleared with the dental bill and finances,
W told me to call her on FRI when I make it to ID. I take that as an OK...I think I'll get to be with the boys for 2 nights!!! FRI and SAT!!! W was concerned that I spend a lot of money on the boys. I told her I already bought what they needed 3 weeks ago when they came to CO. I just said my plan was really to hang out, walk around the area, and enjoy the hotel indoor pool.

All in all it was a positive interaction. W was not angry. Just nervous about the dental bill. I stood my ground with Not sending any more money than I am already providing. And I thought I sounded assertive in my desire to see the boys even if it's just for a short time after a 1800 miles round trip from CO to ID...

I think I did well.

JR

[dsh4320]

Be proud, you did do well. 1600 a month in child support? was that based in CO or ID? in tx the max is 1800 the minimun is about 175 per child per month. You handled it well, I agree your living separate lives, and you do send quite a bit for child support. It really is not her business that you are on a budget and that part of that budget is YOU allocating funds to spend with your sons.
My W has not asked me for money, she has turned to daddy for that. SO she has not had that part of reality yet, only that she has to work about 60 hours a week to pay for her stuff, and have the kids most the time. As we all say, they chose this.

[JR09]

Dsh,

My W and I are not divorced. So it's not "official child support". I'm required by the Army to send $1100. If we were divorced, I'd be required to send $1300. I'm sending $1600 to be above reproach, so no one can never say that I didn't support my children even if we are separated.

My W lives with her folks and hasn't found a job yet. I really try to do my part so the kids don't suffer.But I really hinted to my W that she needs to budget the money or else she will never have enough by the end of each month. I cannot send any more money. I think she knows it by now.

Thanks for the input Dsh.

JR

[pinhead]

JR,

I think you're doing fine. If I get in your shoes, I won't want to be bankrolling my W, but I think erring on the side of providing more than legally required to take care of your kids is fine. And I think you did perfectly when you let her handle the dental bills; budgeting is something everyone should be capable of doing.

[JR09]

Got it , Pinhead.

I really try to put my kids first. My W never asked me why I was coming up this Labor Day weekend to see the boys. I was kinda prepping for this question, but thankfully I didn't have to defend myself. I just told W that it wasn't about her or about me. It is all about the boys that I'm driving 1800 miles roundtrip in 4 days.

W is concerned that I buy them a lot of stuff when I'm with them. I will have to be careful when I see the boys again next weekend. I'm sure she'll ask them what I bought them. This truly will be a good time for me to show her that I can be trustworthy.

I'm just glad I get to see them again for FRI and SAT.

JR

[pinhead]

Yeah, seeing your boys has to be great. I can't imagine being in your shoes, and not seeing them daily. I understand where your wife is coming from; when I visited my dad as a divorce-child, he would spoil the crap out of me. Then my mom would have to cope with the fallout. But you don't sound like the type to buy your kids love.

[MichelleLT]

You have paid for 100% of car stuff as I recall, which you certainly didn't have to. And the glasses. So asking her to take care of this one certainly isn't unreasonable.

In the future, maybe you can split medical/dental stuff 50/50 since that's typically what ends up being put in any kind of D decree from what I've seen.

Glad you are going forward with seeing the kids for labor day weekend! And also nice that she didn't ask why. Your actions definitely speak for your love for your kids.

[JR09]

Can't wait to drive to ID. Long drive ahead of me. My pass has been approved. I am all legit. Yesterday I was involved in a death notification. Six of our soldiers died in AFG. It's hard to knock on that door and tell the spouse her husband died. I've knocked on 16 doors so far. I've seen too many wives and kids with their lives shattered. I can't wait to see my boys again and just hug them. I wish I could hug my W too. Anyway...

JR