I am here to get support for my M. Not here, but everyone in my life and my H's life right now thinks we should not stay M. How am I supposed to think this will work out when everyone is against it. At what point is public opinion smarter than we are?
I am here to get support for my M. Not here, but everyone in my life and my H's life right now thinks we should not stay M. How am I supposed to think this will work out when everyone is against it. At what point is public opinion smarter than we are?
You said the magic words right there...public opinion! Its just that..an opinion. They are only hearing your H's words and not yours. Yeah, I have heard the saying about no major changes for a year.
You and your H need to do what you feel is best for YOU. Nobody knows the sich like you two.
Hypothetically...if I decided to R with my lunatic exh my family and friends would never speak to me again. I feel that pressure. I felt it when I got pregnant and tried to R with exh. They supported me but were really leery. They wanted the best, but they knew him. Now...they would disown me if I ever went back. The thing is YOU have to live with it...not anyone else.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well H just called after a meeting, just says "what did I expect people to say" and then went on to accuse me of making him do this because I really don't want him.
That led to a argument about trust and he has the nerve to tell me that he still has trust issues with me because I asked him to leave when he was drinking and his former w didn't do that. H clearly doesn't see that what I did helped him not hurt him and what exw did was hurting him by enabling his drinking. I put my foot down. I am so hurt and angry right now that I am fighting the urge to quit. All I ever wanted to do was be happy with my husband and enjoy living out our later years together. Instead all I have had is broken promises, heartbreak, separations, financial issues, accusations and blame, fights over nothing, and humiliation in front of my friends and co workers and kids.
Well more journalling since no one seems to be around to talk - (hope it is for good reasons!)
After some time I went back to read my goals to re-assess progress. 1) H remains sober 2) talks about making amends with family but avoids them, d's grad is next week don't know if he will end up going (I don't think it should be this way) 3) he is talking but not listening so much, interrupting me all the time 4) instead of arguing, he walks out, dropping whatever plans we had made (old behavior) 5) helped with the yard work, and made appt for car maintenance and agreed to take me for some f/u tests at the hospital but it remains to be seen if he follows through (it usually depends on his mood at the time) 6) stuck on the past again, blaming, taking stands that divide us rather than bring us closer 7) just turned in vac days at work and now I have to take them back -
What I am learning? 1) he isn't stable yet 2) I can't depend on him yet 3) he isn't ready to work on R 4) he does things in half measures 5) he isn't able to meet my needs yet
What I want to know?
Will any of this get better or not? So far this has been a half-a*** M, and I don't see it getting better and worse part is his IC and AA don't want him to work on the M yet. We have only been M 2 1/2 years, been S one year and if he takes another year - then we will have been apart more than together? What kind of sense does that make?
I guess it is obvious that I am angry - about the sitch, the M, the problems, and the disappointments. Maybe I am over reacting right now but everytime I start to get comfortable in this R, the rug gets pulled out and not just for me - it happens with him too - This is so sad.
I understand you are disappointed. You have a right to be. You stuck with this guy when he was drinking. Hard to do. He is now sober and you want to go on with life and people are saying he is still too fragile. That would tick me off too.
I don't know what the answers are. I guess its what you are willing to live with and for how long. YOU also matter. I get that the IC and people from AA are worried about him, but you and your feelings also matter.
Im sorry Kass. I am in a bad place this morning too. I could use some advice in my own sich.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
H calls me this a.m. Reads the BB chap on "to the wives" which suggests that I not cause him any difficulties, avoid disagreements and not complain. Give him time to learn how to do things. I have no problem with this advise but H is the one who keeps upsetting the apple cart. For ex. I ask that he go on a month to month lease vs another year long one to give us the freedom to move in again when ready and not worry about waiting for a lease to end. H says ok he will do that but only for a few months because it costs too much, then says,well I don't want to move during the winter so you have until Oct/Nov to decide and then I will take a year long lease. Now that his sponsor and IC are saying that the timing is too soon, Feb/Mar is better he blames it on me. He accuses me of turning away from him, of not caring about him and not wanting to live with him.
Second problem, he says he doesn't want his life dictated by my kids'needs - namely we can't afford the condo in a 55 commty that he wants, his solution is for me to sell my house and move into his apt - problem is its one bedroom and we need a second one. Then he says we are stuck in a house that is too big for us because of them and have high bills to pay because of that. One minute says he is having a hard time figuring out how to make amends to my kids for his behavior and then accuses me of not wanting to live with him because I still have to think of my kids' needs for a place to live (albeit it is parttime) Am I the only one confused here?
I don't think it is me - and I think I try my darndest to smooth things over, but he doesn't understand that it is his stuff that comes up and disables our R. ARG!
Kass...I am still stuck on what your H's problem is with your kids? He knew you had them when he married you. Its like he is forcing you too choose. It shouldn't be that way. Your youngest is 18....it won't be long now before they are ready to move on, but I think if you push them out because of your H they will resent you for it.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
He doesn't have anything against the kids personally. He just likes living alone. He's ok with d because she is always out of the house giving us a lot of privacy but my s is a homebody and likes to stay at home so he is always underfoot. S likes his privacy too so in that way they are the same.
I think H real issue is that he has always done what he likes without a care in the world. Accomodating to others'needs is not something he has much experience with doing and it does get to me sometimes because he is the same with me. His way or no way. AA sponsors are working on this one big time with him, to break down the isolating behavior and start thinking of others vs being so self centered.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me so much because I am easy to get along with and pretty much take care of myself, and let others have their own way because I am not picky. Use to be and gave it up when the kids came along.
I am not moving them out because of him - d is going to live on campus, and s is moving to his father's for two reasons: 1) I can't afford to support him and his father can, and 2)he is having some problems adjusting to adulthood, had a rocky R with his dad who wants a chance to work on it. Both agreed without any second thoughts. If s can make more money, he might move in with a friend instead because he really does want to be on his own.
When we lived together, H used to give my d rides when she missed the bus in the morning, or would encourage them to invite friends over for cookouts, give them money to go out once in a while and helped them out in getting presents for me. If he had the money, he would give them anything they wanted - he can be very generous. He was also an advocate for them when I got stubborn and he liked taking them out to dinner once in a while. So, his complaint is kind of hard to understand - I just know it isn't personal - its weird. That is why I don't like arguing or talking about it with him because he really is ok with it all, he just doesn't like having an audience - I think it is either a male thing or and introvert thing, or maybe a step parent thing. He is just as uncomfortable when staying at his son's home for a few days. I had to explain to his son that his father wasn't unhappy, just uncomfortable not being in his own bed. By theway, he didn't raise his own sons because he couldn't deal with them at the time. Now they have a good R.
What I am trying to sort out is whether we really are a bad match, or we just need sober time to adjust to living in the real world. I can say that he has been unhappy with me most of the time, but then he was drinking all the time. Now that he has to deal with things without turning to alcohol, he is experiencing some bad days. I just wish he would stop seeing me as the enemy and trust me.
This whole episode got started because I found out that his IC was not happy about it, and then discovered that he wasn't talking to his sponsor about it because of the AA rules about the first year an all. I want him to have a good sobreity, I don't want him moving back home and falling back into old patterns. He can't see that right now - he just thinks I don't want him. It's frustrating.
Sorry for not getting here this weekend...I know it's hard and I think this is why my W couldn't do it anymore...She kept saying we weren't moving forward and it seems the same with you and H. One step forward two steps back sort of thing.
I was hesitant to post this I hope it helps and doesn't hurt. It did take me about a year to get my head clear. What really changed my R with W is when she actually filed to have the separation converted to a D.
BTW I have heard about the year thing and yes most IC will use this but it is just a guideline.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I have spent a couple of hours debating with myself about your sitch....difficult today for obvious reasons, but....
Thing is, IC and AA sponsor tells H what he needs to do, he listens, doesn't like but has to accept. Hard one that for an alcoholic...agree Volley?....You on the other hand should be, in his eyes, the comforting one, the one that tells him he is ok and everything will be great.
what he doesn't realise yet, and I stress yet, is that you have suffered too. That is an awful demon in his head that he cannot face. The fact that he has caused the one that he loves and who loves him to be repellant. Any addict will find that hard to deal with.
so...what he does is to apportion blame and project feelings. what you do about that is totally up to you. How strong you are and hwo much you really want things to work.
I am sorry to pile more pressure on you Kass, but that's how it is. Can you be there through all this, can you support by being tough?. Hard questions, but you need to be honest to yourself with the answers.
The easy way out would to be to blame the A and tell everyone what a ass he is. Is that what you feel like?
I did say, many weeks ago that things will not be easy, well here is one of many hard parts....I also agree with others when they say that H and his mentors (IC and AA sponsor) have only ONE side of the story. The sponsor will have been there before and hopefully be a little more impartial, the IC, less so.
Think long and hard Kass, is it worth it?...if it is, then for both your sakes, come have a dance with me and forget your woes for a weekend...cleanse your mind....if not, plan for you.
