How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

doodles,
if it makes you feel any better that is true.
this is my second marriage. my first wife, basically, just gave up after less than a year of marriage and our daughter. We were high school sweethearts, found our way back to each other, she got pregnant, we got married. she is and always has been very needy. we dated off and on since we were in 5th grade. i always knew it wouldn't work, but don't think i could've ever had a relationship without knowing tha it didn't work out with her. well, it didn't. basically, she just said, "i'm not happy", and left. i still deal with her on a regular basis. we live in the country and she's only five miles away, with my daughter and her 3rd husband.
my current wife has been like a mother to my daughter, she even called her mom, and her biological mom was fine with that since my current WAW was such a great person. now this has happened. my daughter is 12. i've been pretty honest with her about everything since this all started. i've told her i won't volunteer anything i don't think she needs to know, but if she asks a question i won't lie to her. today, we sat around and talked a lot about it. she asked a lot about when me and her mom were together and i told her the truth. she laughed, knowing how "high maintenance" her mom is and knowing i'm just an old country bumpkin that just goes along with the flow. i was very honest about her mom and me, not in a mean way, and my daughter said she expected as much. me and my first ex are friends, i guess you could say. we raise our daughter together and as long as i let her think she's in control all the time things go pretty smooth.
my point is, sorry i'm always long-winded, my daughter told me today that she's been thinking about telling her mom that she wants to come and live with me. i've put up with a lot of crap over the years with her mom and bit my tongue more than i wanted to because i knew in the long run my daughter would always find the truth and respect Dad for the person he is.
I'm having a hard time with that as far as my WAW right now. the first wife was a year. current is 11 years of together and then she leaves me for OM she has known less than three months. this one's a lot more painful and i'm a lot more bitter. but i'm trying to remember how much my daughter thinks of me in the long run and knowing my boys will to.
if we keep doing the right thing, we will be able to live with ourselves in the end. don't know if WAW will be able to say the same. some days it doesn't seem to make it any easier, but i totally believe it to be true.
good luck to you and your sitch.

[Travis]

Question.
i've read on here and other sites where this A is like a drug and actually creates toxins in the brain. is she truly like an addict and has to detox before she is ever "her" again?
not asking for "us" because i truly believe that's over and can't be fixed. i'm just wondering for the long haul. she will forever be in my life as we have two children together. i can't even look her in the eye right now when we exchange our kids. i'm ashamed of her and the way she's ended up.
it's almost like one of my old best friends who got into meth. he was a family man, even got custody of his child in his divorce, and then he got hooked on crystal meth. screwed his whole life up over it and to this day i can't even stand to look at him when i see him, knowing the hell he put that little girl through. i know i would do anything to have my kids living with me and he had his chance and blew it over getting high.
anyway, i was just wondering how many of these women get over the euphoria of the OM and come back to live in the real world with the rest of us. she's done some of the stupidest things in the last couple months since this started and i just want to be able to look her in the eye and respect her enough again to say, "I hope you and the boys have a good week" and really mean it. and not walk away shaking my head at this shallow, selfish person she's become that thinks what's good for mommy is good for the boys.

[PositivelyMommy]

Sorry to barge in here mdoodles but I think I can help Travis.

I think what I have done is to separate the behavior from the person.

You disagree with the behavior. The bad decisions, impulsive choices, destructive, selfish actions. But since you have been together for 11 years, I guess some of the time, it was good, right? You didn't marry her because she lacked good qualities. Those good qualities are her character. Her character hasn't changed, it's the behavior you disagree with.

So if you can, put your hope into the fact that she still has good values inside of her. That they are there somewhere. Because if they are, then she is probably is (or soon will have to) come to terms with her own actions. Then the burden is on herself to live with her choices. Not YOURS.

So let her go. REALLY wish her well. She is forever the mother to your boys and I am sure you want the BEST for them.

[Travis]

PM,
Thanks for the advice. I'm really trying hard not to be bitter. I am like so many on here that it was a total shock to me. It's only been 2 1/2 months and I'm still so bitter. Not to her or in front of the boys. Just bitter.
Yes, she had good qualities. Great qualities. And I'm at fault for not appreciating those qualities enough or expressing my appreciation enough about those qualities. But a guy that she's known for less than three months that's been divorced three times? What makes me the maddest is that she doesn't even have the decency to just say, yeah, i did it. She is so hateful and vindictive right now that I can't believe she wouldn't at least tell me for the joy she would get out of seeing the pain in my face.
We don't talk at all, basically. I call or she calls if it's about the boys. Other than that it's one or two e-mails a week on legal matters.
I'll get over the bitterness in time, and I really don't want anything bad for her, but it's just the way she's gone about the whole mess. Most of it is totally by the script, but this is not her. I refuse to believe I was an idiot for 11 years. She says she's been unhappy for a long time. If that's true then she should be in acting, because she would win an Emmy. Until two weeks before the discovery of all the texts and phone calls to OM our lives were a little strained, I switched to a new job from one I'd had almost 8 years, but besides that I thought things were on the up.
I know my posts are long, but this is where I come when I really want to let it out. I'm tired of talking to friends and family, they're probably tired of hearing it, and I don't talk to my WAW. I've been doing better on focusing on me, it's just with the new job that is the second hardest thing I've taken on next to my D, and the added responsibilities with house and kids, I feel like I'm trying to get 24 hours worth of things done in a 12 hour day.
I'll get there because I have to. There is no choice. And I truly believe that in the long run I'll be a better person because of this. Thanks for your thoughts.

[PositivelyMommy]

Travis, you have such a good attitude already. Besides, it's early days yet.

Your W is still in lala fantasyland. She will be in on a hard fall. Now she may show that to you in future or she may choose to hide it because she is ashamed of her behavior now.

But I would bet you she is in justification mode. That is why she is acting like you are so horrible to her, it justifies her reason for leaving.

Let it be. You know the truth. You were there.

You don't need to alter her POV to prove yourself to be correct. You don't need anyone's validation anymore. We all believe you here.

So. Let her live out her fantasy dream and let her fall flat on her face. It's something she will have to live through, the journey she has chosen. You will see the signs. The honeymoon period will surely pass. Then she won't be acting so happy. In fact, she might actually get depressed (I see it in my H now).

Don't let it affect you. Let it slide off your back. Make yourself waterproof.

[FightingFit]

Hello Travis (btw I have a son called travis)

yes the OP is like an addiction and mostly the addiction is that of DRAMA, which is exciting and awesome and always keeps you in the moment just like in an episode of Days. The drama is hard to wean off, and yes usually when it all blows over theres a lot of sorrow and regret...

i might suggest tho, that her hateful behavior to you, is a sign of self hatred... you are after all... part of her... and when we have an A, and we dont like ourselves much, we tend to try to destroy that part of ourselves...

most people in crisis, do this, to their partner. its part of why its so destructive, it isnt helpful knowing, but at least its informed. its like they think, by denigrating and denying you and who you are, that is going to denigrate the relationship and what it was. they bulk you and the R you had together as one and destroying you might destroy the R and the memories...

all you can really do is hold onto who you are. and know what you had; and what your R was bc she has probably rewritten history on that. she will either one day realise what she did and be sorry, or continue with her rewritten script..

blessings and warmth and I hope you are coping thru this bad time... hold onto what you know to be your own truth

[Travis]

why does the WAS feel entitled to so much? Is it their way of dealing with the guilt? Do they feel as if they're entitled to shadow the shame and guilt they feel, trying to convince themselves that they did nothing wrong?
I just got off the phone with my WAW and she had the nerve to ask for money. In January I took a job with about a 50 pct. paycut. In three years, this job will pay 3 times what I used to make at old job. We discussed it and she had just gotten a pretty decent job, so we thought we could swing it. I busted my tail, studying for required exams for two months. In March I found out about OM, in April she left and filed for D two weeks later. I'm stuck in our home with all the bills with barely enough finances to keep the lights on. She has the nerve and calls me once a week to see if I can give her any money. I DIDN'T LEAVE! I WASN'T THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT THE F-ING DOOR AND THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR A MAN I'D KNOWN LESS THAN 3 MONTHS!
She says she needs the money for the boys. Let me have them! I will find a way to make things work and will ask for no child support. If I had been the one to walk away I don't think I could summon the courage to ask for anything. Sometimes I think she knew she was leaving and let me take this job knowing what kind of financial position it would put me in if she left. But the phone records and other evidence doesn't show it. Of course today she informed me of her and my boys new residence, if she gets custody. Amazingly, it's just a few blocks from OM's house in a town 30 miles from me. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Whew!!! Just had to get that off my chest since I'm not allowed to say it to her on the phone. And, here, I've been so calm and collected the last few days. I'm so mad right now I feel like just scream! I'm just so glad I have a place I can come and just vent.

[FightingFit]

Forget why she feels so entitled... its about them... their crisis is their crisis in their mind, and to them all they can focus on is them... its called "being selfish".

I think you need to quit discussing your finances or what she wants trav. I think you need to get a divorce lawyer and tell her to put all enquiries thru him... and yes you need one.

I also think you need to realise your still a great person and a great man and theres a good chance you might find someone else from all this and come out of it glad in the end. you might as well decide right now not to get fleeced in the process. stop questioning in your mind how she can be so mean. she just can be thats all. she might be in crisis she might be depressed that doesnt change the fact you need to protect yourself right now and PLEASE dont talk about money with her anymore ever again... its off limits.

look I think in your sitch you really need a divorce lawyer pls find the retainer and get one, and lets hash out a custody arrangement, you want your boys, better start thinking of fighting for them, bc I think FROM WHAT you have said, shes thinking of "financial" terms. not in terms of whats best for the kiddies.

i think you deserve more. its the OM who is making her so crap and so nasty and so into money but dont dismiss it. you deserve more... you are a good man a good dad and a good prospect, just because it feels exhausting right now to think of finding someone new... you will find that person.

in what ive read... I think if you do not protect yourself you might be so strapped and so used you are beyond a joke. protect yourself first think about your R later. you and the kids first, her later

[Travis]

I do have an attorney. Most of our conversations go through our attorneys. I just try to be civil with her because, like it or not, I have to be some part of her life for the rest of our lives. Even though we will be separate, we are both still parents to these kids. And I do my best to be civil to her, but then she always pulls these b.s. moves and it just pisses me off. I'm just about to the point of saying nothing to her whatsoever, letting the lawyers deal with it, but I'm a better person than that. I put up with a lot because of my kids. I can handle it, but I won't be pushed around or stepped on. There is no reason two adults shouldn't be able to get along for the sake of their children. But she just seems to be using it as another reason to try to fight.

[FightingFit]

yea thats bc shes the one doing wrong and wants to put the focus on you and make out like YOU are the horrible one not her. they all do this; my own was the very same - made out like I was the devil incarnate. It was so hurtful and so damaging, but looking back I see very clearly he was playing a game called "let me not look like such a bad guy cuz I know I have really done wrong here". so therefore, trying to attempt to make out I was literally a HORROR to live with and be with took the FOCUS off his actions. nice! convenient!

it cant last an eventually they have to live with it anyway, as WELL as their absolutely crap BLAME of you in THEIR wrongdoing but how else are they gonna live with it, they have to have SOME excuse and it becomes very real to them too, while they're still in denial over their actions. who knows when regret begins an they really look at what they did? I have read it takes about 5 years and I think thats about right...

and you will have moved on leaving her stuck with her guilt and remorse. such is life. your pain is terrible but remember this, hers hasnt even BEGUN yet. makes you feel kinda sorry for them they have no idea whats ahead. then its TABLES TURNED. this is life this is karma this is how things work.

little saying: GOD SAYS: take what you want. THEN PAY FOR IT.