How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

how do you all get over the loneliness? I've had my wife or my kids in my home every night for 11 years. now i hate even coming home at night because it's so quiet.

i know people say to stay busy and concentrate on yourself, but i don't want to go out and do the "bar thing". the rest of my friends are all married. it depresses me to go around them. i had my kids last weekend and had a bbq with the kids' friends and their parents over. i couldn't help but look around and all i could think was that one person was missing. my W.

I was taking my daughter home the other night to her mom's, my first wife, and she told me she wanted to tell me something that she wasn't going to tell anyone and i asked her what that was. she said she was sitting there talking to her friend and she almost asked where WAW was.

i'm doing good with the detaching as far as not calling or contacting her. But i can't help thinking about her. she was here every day of my life for 11 years.

i see the flowers it took her 11 years to get as big and beautiful as they are now and i think of her. cuss her , in fact, because i've been taking care of them. don't want to give her the satisfaction of me letting them go to hell.LOL

all the decorations in the house are her.

son had a ballgame last night and on the way to the field i had to drive right by her new house. in a town 45 minutes from where i live and 1 1/2 blocks from OM.

i'm a very outgoing person, always have been, but right now i just don't want to go do things. i'm a country boy and enjoy my peace and quiet under the shade tree with the grill going, radio on, and cold beer in my hand. doing that right now, in fact. but i've never had to sit here and do it by myself.

i just want to go back to being me. i'm kind of a spazz. i can't sit still and always have to be doing something and enjoying things. since "the bomb" the enjoyment of everything has been lost. friends call and want to do things and i don't. mostly because the conversation always comes around to WAW. it's not their fault, they are just concerned, but then i'm depressed and no fun the rest of the night.

just wondering on any suggestions. tired of being bored and lonely. the weird thing is, the only days i don't really think about her is when i have my kids. i thought those would be the days i would, since she is their mom. but when i'm with them i enjoy our time and don't think about her. unfortunately, their time here is far too few and far.

[kat727]

I am glad that you realize that you need to get out. I think you could let your friends know before you get together that you don't want to discuss W. Then go out. I don't want to see this take you a few years like it did for me.

I too am busy with my kids. They live here the majority of the time. I have to work on creating my own life and not just keep living through theirs.

You may also need to change the way the house is, at least for now. Take some of her stuff down, make it more of your own. I know you miss her but for now you need to work on you. It will get easier. And just a quick thought, she will be more intrigued with you if you are able to get your life jumpstarted.

kat

[Travis]

Thanks Kat,
you always seem to make me feel like i'm at least on the right path. the thing is, i don't really care if she's intrigued. i love my wife still. the person she is right now is not my wife. i can't stand the person she is right now and, if she walked in my door right now and said she was sorry, the woman i would be looking at would look like my wife, but i honestly don't think i would ever take her back.

i truly believe my marriage is over. i'm a very good person and know i will be happy again someday, but i don't believe i'm a big enough person to ever forget the things she's done to me, my family, and my boys. i deal with her in person about twice a week with ballgames, visitation, etc. i can't remember the last time i looked her right in the eye. i'm ashamed of who she is and she makes me sick.

i'm just trying to figure out how to get through the pain and the hurt of what she threw away without losing my sanity. i'm smart enough to know that if i hurt, it's probably because, deep down, i still love her. but i truly believe it's over and it's the best for me. she's a disgrace to all the good women out there and i deserve better.

[Mr Mom]

Thanks Kat,
you always seem to make me feel like i'm at least on the right path. the thing is, i don't really care if she's intrigued. i love my wife still. the person she is right now is not my wife. i can't stand the person she is right now and, if she walked in my door right now and said she was sorry, the woman i would be looking at would look like my wife, but i honestly don't think i would ever take her back.

i truly believe my marriage is over. i'm a very good person and know i will be happy again someday, but i don't believe i'm a big enough person to ever forget the things she's done to me, my family, and my boys. i deal with her in person about twice a week with ballgames, visitation, etc. i can't remember the last time i looked her right in the eye. i'm ashamed of who she is and she makes me sick.

i'm just trying to figure out how to get through the pain and the hurt of what she threw away without losing my sanity. i'm smart enough to know that if i hurt, it's probably because, deep down, i still love her. but i truly believe it's over and it's the best for me. she's a disgrace to all the good women out there and i deserve better.

Travis, our sitch's are very similar. I can relate to you and what you are going through. It hurts, I know and I'm sorry you and your family has to go through this. If I were to put my feelings into words after I saw my WAW today it would be what you wrote here. I can't offer much for advice but i can tell you what helps me is to talk to whoever listens. Hang in there and be strong and be the better person that you are.

[Travis]

I think I did a good job for a change tonight. My son got to pitch in his first ever game tonight. He did real well. I was able to hold back the venom I feel and went to my WAW after the game and said, "Our boy did good tonight." I actually looked her in the eye tonight for the first time in weeks.

It was still hard, so I know there are still feelings, but I could actually smile when I said it. I walked the boys out to her car and helped her get them loaded up and told boys I'd see them tomorrow night (for my whopping 3 hours of visitation). I still can't stand to see my FIL. He brought my son to the game like he was the greatest grandfather in the world. Funny, he lives 45 minutes away and he couldn't come see his grandkids but about once a year when we were together.

Now, he sees my kids more than me. Pisses me off. Oh well, I was proud of my son tonight. He's been wanting to pitch all year and I finally felt like he was ready. He did good. Then reality sets in when i come home to this quiet house.