I know you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. He was contacting you not because he wanted to be there for you, he wanted you to be there for him. He was hurting because of your brother's death and in his vast selfishness, he used you as his crutch. He was thoughtless, careless, and completely selfish just like it seems he was in your M. I'm so sorry he used you in such a way.
The counselor will only be as good as you allow them to be. Keep that in mind. You must be 100% open or the counseling will only put bandaids on your heart. Don't hold anything back from them, ok?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You know Mish, I hadn't even thought of that, but it does make sense. Looking back on that night, it was me comforting him rather than the other way around. Even that night I don't recall him asking how I was doing or how I was feeling. I was more worried about how he would handle going into the room where my brother was. I told him if he couldn't handle it then it was ok if he didn't go. I am not sure why I have this need to protect him even now. I guess he knows that and he did use me for what he needed.
It's all about perspective Kris. You are far too close to the situation to see what he was doing to you. Also, you loved the man for years, you don't really want to see him that way.
I'll be interested to hear how your C session goes tomorrow. Keep us posted.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, I went to the counselor yesterday. It was ok, I just didn't click with her like I did with the therapist I went to in Texas. I'm not sure if I will go back, I felt kind of uncomfortable. I will probably try the group thing though.
I do think the AD's are helping and my moods are evening out. I have only been taking them a little over a week, but I didn't even give them this long last time.
I am pretty sure I was at rock bottom when I was posting last week. There were some bad thoughts going on in my head and I appreaciate the push from you all to call the doctor.
Haven't heard from xh anymore and haven't given him much thought.
I'm glad your emotions are evening out Kris. You have such a beautiful soul and I hated seeing you being dragged down due to circumstances out of your control.
Can you try another C in the area? If not, the group setting is a good way to go. The only problem with a group is that you may not feel as able to open yourself completely. No matter how safe you might feel in the group, there are still people there that are not sworn to keep your information confidential and that could slow down your healing.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I may try another counselor. This was a free counselor at a grief center here. I think she mainly deals with kids and we were just on different levels mentally.
I am going out of town this afternoon for a wedding. A guy I went to college with is getting married. I think it will do me good to see some old friends. ...Plus that means a short day at work.
The wedding was in Laurel, MS. About a six hour drive from here. We spent one night there and drove back Saturday night. It was nice to get away. I also saw a few people I didn't expect to see that I hadn't seen in about five years. I had a pretty good time.
So....talked to xh Friday. I was on my way home from work and stopped by his work to give him something I got in the mail for him. I was just going to stick it on his windshield, but he was sitting in his car having lunch.
We talked for about an hour and after I left I felt like this huge weight had been lifted. He just knows all the right things to say. I know that he has changed, but the fact still remains that he knows me better than anyone. I do think it was the right decision to talk to him.
Things are still up and down, but I am just taking it day by day.
