I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

This week went ok - nothing notably great, but certainly nothing bad happened. We interacted a few times, mostly when picking up / dropping off the kids. I use some humor when I can, and she responds... I compliment her almost every time I see her, and she seems appreciative of it. I even told her the other day "I'm sorry if I say this a lot, but you really do have the nicest legs!" (she's a runner too....) She thanked me, and said, "Well, it's better than telling me I have gigantic thighs or something!" We both laughed. I'm learning to read her a bit better - when she's receptive to compliments or humor, and when she's not as receptive.

I am trying not to show pursuing behavior, but I must admit I still do sometimes. Probaby because I get some positive reaction. When picking up the kids the other day, they were lined up giving W hugs and kisses...I was 3rd in line, so I extended my hand for a handshake. She laughed and shook my hand, saying "so long" as though we were leaving on a transatlantic cruise. We were both laughing, and I gave her a friendly one-armed hug, and she responded with one too, with pats on the back...like she used to do.

I'm going to do my best to not touch her purposely this weekend, and see if that gets me to back off on the pursuing. I think I am a little too "touchy" at times, and while it seems natural for me to do with her, the general advice is to not do it. She doesn't seem to initiate the touch or the hugs, so I'd probably be smart to back off...

Planning a great weekend with the kids! I've got that going for me...!

[sgctxok]

Dave,

Don't worry about if you're showing pursuing or detaching behavior.


Don't pursue and 'detach' are great advice for the LRT. And/or if you've been whining, begging, pleading.

Guess what? That's not YOU.

YOU are NOT in the LRT. And that advice will backfire for you. Your coach knows it and gave you appropriate advice.

DBing is DOING WHAT WORKS....and you have ALREADY HAD SUCCESSES. You want to build on those, NOT go with your instincts and hit the cave.


So Mr. DB Commando...you are on your way. You are very slowly rebuilding your relationship, and you must be CONSISTENT. Your wife wants to see that, she wants to make sure you won't go back to the same old same old.



Sometimes you will get advice about 'saving yourself' building yourself and your confidence first. You don't need to worry about that.....because the actions your DB Coach has given you....if you do them....will have that affect.

You are developing your relationship skills...and that makes YOU the MAN.



Your wife will see that.

And if for some reason she's not smart enough at the end of the day....you can bet other women are watching your R skills, whether you think they are or not.

Keep doing what you're doing. MORE of it.

[1853dave]

Thanks S,

It is sometimes hard to know what to do... I don't know what she's thinking, and I can't go day to day trying to figure it out either (we all know that!). I think I need to ramp down the touching I sometimes do... but I don't think she's been absolutely avoiding me. Or has she...? It's hard to see the signs. They aren't always obvious. Maybe by backing off, it will give her room to pursue me for a change.

Things seem so status quo - I see no changes in things. At least nothing bad has been happening. I have been avoiding anything confrontational, which usually revolves around time with the kids, or last minute changes in schedules. Perhaps there just haven't been any...but the other day I was waiting for them to show up at home so I could take the kids somewhere, she was late. So, I called to see if they were ok, and there was no answer. So, I sat out on the grass and waited in the shade until they arrived. She was apologetic, said she left her cell phone in the car, and lost track of time while she was talking to our D's friend's Mom... I figured as much, so I totally downplayed it, and I could sense her relief. After all, we are all late at times... I wonder if she expected me to be angry.

I'm worried about a few upcoming things. Our D day is scheduled for October. We're supposed to have mediation and all worked out a month prior. Time is running out, it seems. I'm in month 9 of the separation. I have to move from the condo I'm renting to somewhere else by the end of next week. I just found out Friday that they don't want us collecting money for overtime due to budget problems. I was really relying on that OT pay to get by all these months. So, I have money to live on for maybe another 2 or 3 months in my account. I've been renting a furnished place, but now I might have to suck it up and start taking things from the family home. That could possibly lead to some contention.

Our director at work keeps tabs on me (she's pretty insightful), and she asked me if I thought about asking W if she'd be willing to submit to the courts to remove that D date. After all, we are communicating better now, and interacting better now (perhaps better than the past 2 years). Funny, I had been thinking the same thing on my own. I don't know how it would go over... I called my DB counselor, and we are meeting tomorrow to discuss strategies. She already told me it would be a BIG 180 to approach W on this.

There will have to be some decisions made soon. All I want to do is move back home with the family. I want it, both kids want it - heck, I'm sure even the dog wants it! But, when W is queen of the universe, nobody else has any say!

I did have a GREAT weekend with the kids - we went to the mountains and had a blast! I'm sure they'll talk about this weekend for some time.

[1853dave]

Had counseling yesterday. My C suggested that I ask my W for her thoughts, maybe even advice, on what to do about the living situation. I have to be out of my rented place in 10 days, and I have only enough $$ to get another place for maybe 2 months... If it is unfurnished, I'll need to start taking things from the condo the W is living in - OUR condo. By the way, why is it "I" have to be the one to leave...??? She's the one who wanted out in the first place.

Well, anyway, C says it would be a 180 for me to ask her advice in my situation... She said to leave to question open-ended. Not to give her a limited set of options. I can explain how we were looking at a shortage of money real soon, and there just is not enough to maintain two households on one income...period! We are reacing a crossroads of sorts, because she'll be starting school in just over a month, and the kids will too, so there are scheduling issues as well, perhaps childcare issues, there's still the money issue.... Something has to give here real soon.

C told me she has noticed some real changes (for the better) in me, and she assures me that W must be noticing too. She still wants me to work in a few more 180's, not in behavior, but perhaps in approaching her, and communicating with her. So, this morning, I called her on a whim of sorts, just to say "hi" and to wish her a good day. It went pretty well, and she stayed on and talked to me for a few minutes, by her own will. It was friendly and pleasant. I terminated the conversation, as I was getting ready to leave for work.

So, I might have to have that 'living situation' conversation in the next day or two...probably via telephone, maybe after the kids are in bed, so she's not interrupted by them. Of course, the hope is that she would see how things are going, and that the crossroads is near. I would hope to be able to live at home in my own home again, but I'm not sure if she's ready for that. Regardless, something has to give, because there's just not enough $$ for two homes. Maybe that's a good thing.

As much as I hate to, the situation dictates that it's time to stir the pot...

And then there's the letter I am going to write... Counselor's thought / suggestion... That's a topic for another post.

[1853dave]

Had the kids overnight - had a great time. Dropped them by the condo so I could go off to work - W was in a friendly mood... In fact, she was returning from a run as we pulled up - I thought she'd take the kids' bags and go in, leaving me to depart without me even going inside, but she was talking and engaging a bit, and started up the stairs, as though she was expecting me to come in (like usual)... So, I did.

We had short, nice conversation. Just before leaving, I asked her if we could meet this weekend, as I have something I would like to talk to someone about, and I really wanted her opinion, and advice about something. She asked what it was about, and I told her I didn't have time to get into it right now, but not to worry, it is nothing bad, I just would like to hear her thoughts on something... I feel comfortable with her advice, and would like to know her thoughts. She siad "Ok, well how about Sunday afternoon, I should have some time then...." I agreed to that, and offered that we could go up to the coffee shop, or even grab a lunch at that salad place we were talking about the other day. Whatever works, I am good with it. She said ok!

Funny, how she had been avoiding me for a while again, and this time it took only a little effort on my part, with a vague invitation, and she accepted it pretty readily.

So, now I have to rehearse what I want to say, about the living situation, the finanical situation, and figure out how to bring this up in an open ended way...without pressuring her into having to make a black or white decision, or cornering her. I will save the R conversation for later, maybe in a letter (per DB counselor's thoughts). Anyway, I'll do my best to keep it light, keep my cool...and if it starts to go off course, I can always drop the subject and try to make a nice date for her. I suspect I'll be moving to another rental soon anyway, and my mind is already there, so I haven't much to lose at this time, so I might not feel as pressured, as I am already getting things lined up there.

OK, that was kinda wordy... but at least I have something lined up for the weekend.

[GoBison]

Good Luck.

No expectations on the outcome is best.

[Tundra277]

Ditto on the good luck.

[Kevin MT]

Thanks for sharing your sitch 1853. I currently live in an apartment while the wife and kids stay at the house and we’re facing the same sort of financial situation. She wants a divorce but we don’t have any extra cash to pay for one so I’m hoping her fiscal responsibility kicks in and we just let the sitch sit as it is for a few months until she’s working a little more full time.

I’m real interested in knowing how your conversation goes. As it’s been said, good luck!

[1853dave]

Thanks for the support - I don't have time now for details, but it went pretty well! We spoke of a few options, we talked of our behaviors over the past year or so... She said "I'm not sure that I'm ready to have you move back home yet..." What?!? I never expected to hear that. Did she just say "yet?" We spoke more, with her leading much of the conversation, and I asked her about our D date coming up in October, and wondered if she'd consider, with everything we're facing, and the way things have more recently been...if she'd consider rethinking the D date. We had nice, friendly non-pressuring conversation...and she said "I'll think about it..." She did say that I had been giving her space, and she does notice that I'm trying to change some old behaviors, and that she needs to improve some of hers... She also stated that she feels bad this this would break apart the family.
We parted on a friendly note, and when I saw her later in the evening, to drop the kids off, she was interactive and talkative with me. Very pleasant.

I called her this morning just to say "Hi" and wish her a good day with the girls. She sounded happy and friendly, and thanked me for the call.

Just the fact that she's at the point where she'll think about it is real big to me. Gives me hope.

More to follow...

[GoBison]

Dave nice work on the convo. Not too much pressure but you put it out there for her. Baby steps in the right direction. Now is probably the time to back off as much as you can so that it gives her time to think things through. She is liking the changes and things seem to be progressing.