I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Spoke with DB counselor today - gave her the rundown, and she was pleased with the way it turned out. She also advises letting it be for a while, letting her think things through, giving her non-pressured space. That seems to be the obvious thing to do right now. Saw W yesterday, she was pleasant and again talkative...as I was leaving, she walked me to the door, and before I left I asked her "Everything ok...?" and she said "Yup". I stupidly asked, "You still thinking about it???" and she replied "Yes, I just need a little time..." I immediately realized I was pressuring (What was I thinking?!?!) I said OK, we said a friendly goodnight, and that was that.

Spoke to the kids on the phone tonight, and then W gets on, and we talk a bit about the day - she was talkative, despite making dinner for the kids. We had a friendly conversation for at least several minutes. We agreed on a pickup time (I pick up the kids) tomorrow, and she said she'd have them all ready. She sounded great, and I was surprised at how much she was talking to me.

I hope the good trend keeps going.

[givingitmyall]

Just be careful not to pursue...again. It's tough not to.

[GoBison]

You were fine Dave. Asking her if she was still thinking about it was a minor thing on your part don't worry about it. Congrats on the good conversations with her and stay with the positive.

[1853dave]

Yeah, I need to be careful not to pursue, agressively, but she seems to be ok with me showing interest. Perhaps one can call it friendship. Rather than concentrating on not pursuing, I think the first turn-off would be pressuring. So, I concentrate more on not doing that.

Also, being in a happy, good mood helps. She's usually pleasant, and she likes when I am pleasant to her. That leads to nice conversation, cooperation, etc. I think my mood last year was not good (various reasons), and she had mentioned it before (long time ago) so I really had to shift my outlook on life, despite what was handed to me this year. Consistency is key, and I'm very pleased that my DB coach even noticed that it has been a good change in me, as it takes little to no effort anymore to have that happy, positive outlook. Life is truly easier and better this way. Why didn't I know this before?

Kids called me last night, and then W came on the phone, and told me about their day. We chose a time for me to pick up the kids today, she said she'd have them all ready to go, and we talked more about stuff. Not about us, just stuff that's going on. Lately, I have experienced more willing conversation from her, both on the phone and in person. We talked for maybe 10 minutes...I let her lead the conversation, rather than me trying to keep her on the phone. It was nice.

Gotta keep this up. Hopefully not only for the purpose of DBing, but throughout the rest of our M, which hopefully will be for the rest of our lives.

I'm not a real religious guy (maybe I am now!), but I pray several times a day. I know others do too... I still need all the help I can get!

[Tundra277]

Glad to see (hear) you are making some progress. Hope it turns out like you hope.

Keep it up, and thanks for the great advice that you have shared here. As you have said before....patients, patients, patients and no bad news is good news for the day.

Seeing some positive changes on my end as well.

Take care.

[1853dave]

Hi Tundra,

Glad to hear you are seeing some changes. Just take it easy, and do what you know is working, as slow as it may seem...

I had some talk with W this weekend, kind of laid out my sitch with my living situation, and money situation (we were told 'no more overtime' this week until the end of the year...) - so I am displaced again, and looking at less money coming in than ever. Maybe didn't do my best DBing, but at least W knows the sitch, and she sounded unsure of her future as well... Time and money are both going to be tight or non-existent the way things are going.

She's still "thinking about it" and said she needs a little time. I told her yesterday that I felt like she was avoiding me, or at least avoiding the subject, and she finally told me "we'll talk sometime..." Told her I'd give her all the time she needed, but I also felt like I am running out of time because of the D date set in October... She indicated that we'd talk soon.

At least we talk to each other now, and we actually get along quite well - and we have been for some time...

[1853dave]

Had more interaction with W this week - pick up and drop off the kids, both Tues and Thurs. All friendly interactions, as the norm.

Took MIL out for her b-day Tues - kids attended, but not W - she's still not talking to her mom. Whatever. She was invited, btw... Oh, and no ramifications (none expected - she knew we were taking her mom out...)

Had kids yesterday after work and into the evening. Brought them home around 8:30pm... W was on the couch reading - as usual, while she waits for us. I visited a bit, she was talkative, and real interested in what we did while we were out. I sat by her on the floor (she was on the couch) so I could play with D4 and the dog... W reached down to scratch her ankle, and I playfully scratched it too (I used to do that all the time) - she didn't withdraw or anything.... I noticed some stubble, so I playfully rubbed her calf, and made a gesture comparing her stubble to my cheek stubble (been 15 hours since I shaved) and she said "Yeah, I didn't shave today..." so I asked her how often she does, and she said usually every day like I do - otherwise there's stubble.... I touched her skin again and noted how I could feel it, but I couldn't see it. I then tested a bit - and started to rub (massage) her calf, which I KNOW she LOVES. She did not withdraw, so I kept massaging away - not in a sexual manner, just a leg massage. I then pulled off her sock and started to massage her foot - she laughed and said that it tickled a bit, but I kept doing it. By now D4 wanted something from upstairs, and W said "Just a few minutes honey, I am enjoying this." Concrete feedback. So I asked her to extend her other leg, which she willfully did, and I massaged that one too. We are both runners, and I knew that she ran that morning, and my 10+ years of experience with her is that she absolutely loves to get her legs massaged.

This went on for maybe 20 minutes, and I ended up staying later than I usually feel comfortable doing. I kissed the kids goodbye, and W walked me to the door and said "thanks!" - I asked her 'for what?' and she pointed to her legs and said "...for massaging my legs..." I told her I'm available anytime, and am glad to do it - no strings attached. She said "ok..." - I don't really expect her to have me on call...

As we parted, I asked for a hug (we do this on occasion) and we hugged and I told her "you know, things can be good with us again..." and I think she said "hmmmm..." or some sort of acknowledgement - it sounded very non-committal I believe, and I then said, "You don't have to be afraid..." to which she replied, "I don't know what to think...." And, that was it. I made eye contact, said 'bye...' and I was out the door.

I called her this morning, just to say hi. There was no answer, but she returned my call 20 mins later - said she was in the shower. I greeted her, and asked how her legs felt - she said 'great' and thanked me again for the massage. I reminded her that I'm available anytime - no strings attached - and she said "ok.." She sounded upbeat and friendly, even chuckled a bit. I wished her a good day, which she seemed to appreciate, and I kept it short. She seemed receptive. I've done this the past 3 Mondays too, and each time she seems receptive to these friendly, short contact. I won't wear her out, but just a quick hello, hope you're well, have a great day type of call every now and then seems to be ok.

So, that's where it is today... I get the kids tomorrow afternoon, we'll do something, so more interaction with W. I still consciously rehearse my DB rules before I see her (the rules I think that work for me) - but often I just wing it and I think it is becoming more natural for me... Isn't that what it's about - changing your behavior to do more of what works, and less of what doesn't?

I think I'll never stop learning...

[1853dave]

Things might be changing....finally. I noticed over the last few visits that W has been making it a point to make eye contact and say "Hi" to me, and "Bye" to me... Before then it was sporatic - she'd be so focused on the kids that she seemed to not notice me when I'd come into the house. I believe it was innocent, but she must have sensed my dismay at not being greeted. Now, she makes it a point, it seems, to give me a friendly greeting and ask me how I am. Every time, lately. We have been having nice conversations, and she even didn't let the kids interrupt us when they wanted Mom's attention the last few times. Hmmmm....different behavior that I'd seen in many months.

We were talking last night when I came by to drop off the kids again, and I engaged in more conv which she seemed quite interested in. We were talking about running, and she told me she had a long run, and she could feel it. I massaged her calf, which was sticking out towards me, and she let me, and then the other... Eventually, I gave her a shoulder / back massage which sitting on the couch, which she readily accepted. I haven't touched her like that im months...but she was receptive to it now. I used to do this for her a lot, but that was a looooong time ago, it seems.

On Saturday when I was leaving with the kids, she walked me to the door, and I turned to her and told her "Well, have a good afternoon...stay cool!" and, perhaps because I hesitated a moment, and made eye contact, she stepped forward and hugged me. I could NOT believe it! Perhaps she knew I was hoping for one, but the bottom line is I did not ask, I just turned to give her a moment's worth of attention and tell her goodbye, and she leaned in with both arms open. WOW! I did NOT expect that!

Last night when I left, she again walked me to the door, and I didn't want to push things, but it felt ok, so I told her goodbye, etc., and put an arm out, and she responded with a warm, two-armed hug. Not a quick one, either.

The fact that she is responding to my touch is huge. I am going to be careful not to lay it on too heavily, but by keeping it friendly and "available" maybe she won't feel overwhelmed by it. I think I have finally made some headway, and I don't want to lose any ground now!

I'm excited by the change I am finally seeing. I hope the trend contimues. I am meeting with my DB counselor for some more planning and a check-in on Thursday. She sounds very optomistic about these latest changes. She believes that the space I am giving her, the cheerfulness and patience I have been exhibiting, are all contributing favorably.

I sense some diminished avoidance, and some trust being reestablished by my W. These were two of my goals, and she seems to be softening. I guess it just takes time for her to see it and believe it.

[C-Bart]

Thank you so much for posting on such a regular basis. Your last post literally brought tears to my eyes. I have been so torn over the past month as to my future with W and life in general. After reading your posts I feel I have the strength to get back in the game and to try and make my M work. Tomorrow I will call and make an appoint with a DB C.

God bless you Dave. We are all pulling and praying for you!

[1853dave]

Hi C-Bart,

Man, it's a tough ride.... I see you've been at this for quite a while. I would highly recommend calling a DB counselor. No, I certainly don't work for them (HA!) but after paying literally MANY thousands to attorneys, investigators, mediators, and just the emotional cost of life lately, I GLADLY pay the DB folks to help me. They really have been the ONLY people interested in helping me, and I truly say that. My attorney? Well, he tried to protect me, but what did he really do for me? I often wonder if I would have done fine just representing myself. Any gains in ANY of this have come ONLY from my actions, which were guided by the DB folks, and a few other supportive people. My counselor is wonderful, and very insightful, and apparently pretty experienced, and she is very patient with me. I don't think I would have come this far without her support. I see very tiny signs of improvement and she's able to see actually what a huge step it really is! She puts tings into a perspective I might not otherwise see. She supports me when I'm ready to give up, and she is a great cheerleader when I do something good. Her guidance is key to my success. This is not smoke and mirrors, this is identifying your behaviors, and identifying patterns, and doing things that will eventually start to turn the tables and stack life in your favor.

There have been MANY times it seemed absolutely hopeless, and she will tell me to hang in there, that it can still change, and she's seen changes happen before, and she was always right!

I'm not out of the woods yet, and of course there are no guarantees, but you can probably guess what is more likely to happen if you don't at least try to DB effectively. I suppose a person could wing it on their own, and I'm sure some have successfully, but the cost of the DB counselor is very small compared to getting a divorce.

My DB counselor had been out of town lately, as she went back east to teach classes on Solution-based Therapy (at the college where she received her Master's Degree), which is what DB is based upon. These folks didn't just take some 20 hour training course - they are professionals who I believe really know what they're doing.

Anyway, if you ask me, I highly recommend calling and meeting with a DB counselor. It may be the best money you ever spend...

Good luck with your sitch. And keep letting folks on the forum know what's going on too, as there's a lot of help on here too.