I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

I looked at the "piecing" forum last night and saw that a lot of the folks there are experiencing many of the same emotions that I am - mostly anger and resentment surfacing, and we now question ourselves if we really want to save our marriage after all of this.... Another poster said it's another rollercoaster - just a different one.

Just as I thought - another chapter.

I'm not ready to start posting there yet - maybe soon.

Past few days have been good still. She still says she's "on board" with all of this. We plan to meet this weekend and talk about finances - we'll see what happens after that.

[Tundra277]

Keep it up 1853!

As you keep telling me, patients, patients, patients.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Talk to you soon.

[1853dave]

Thanks tundra,

I thought I expended all of my patience, but I find I need even more now! Had a tense conv on the phone yesterday but I don't think there was much damage. We are back on a good note today - we both said we were sorry, etc... That alone was a 180. Another session with the db counselor tomorrow evening. I'm hoping it goes well.

How is your situation?

[antlers]

I looked at the "piecing" forum last night and saw that a lot of the folks there are experiencing many of the same emotions that I am - mostly anger and RESENTMENT surfacing, and we now question ourselves if we really want to save our marriage after all of this.... Another poster said it's another rollercoaster - just a different one.

Just as I thought - another chapter.

I'm not ready to start posting there yet - maybe soon.

Past few days have been good still. She still says she's "on board" with all of this. We plan to meet this weekend and talk about finances - we'll see what happens after that.

I have learned that RESENTMENT is the most damaging of emotional states. If you're resentful (and I was) , nothing is too petty to resent. And, resentment always winds it's way, in one form or another, to your spouse...no matter what stimulates it in the first place! So, even though my resentment had nothing to do with my spouse, it inevitably turned against her, and drove me to devalue the most important person in my life.

I'm just saying...

[1853dave]

Hi Antlers,

Yes, I am afraid the resentment starts to bubble up and become anger, and I am really trying to learn to channel it elsewhere rather than to let it come out at my W. Easier said than done, no doubt. Unfortunately, my W seems to hold a lot of resentment too - even if I was not the source - but I am the closest one to attack, so you know who is the convenient target...

Amazing, how much pride one has to swallow, and how you just have to keep your mouth shut - no matter how right you feel, or how wronged you've been by your spouse.

It feels like being gagged and bound, all the while letting your W continue to beat up on you. That and their perspective - if it doesn't match yours, then YOU are the one who's wrong. Period!

It doesn't make any sense, but then again, none of it ever did in the first place! At this point it doesn't really matter. I mentioned to my W yesterday that we need to lose the anger - to stop looking for the faults. A better course would be to start looking ahead rather than behind...

We had a couple of incidents this weekend - while not desirable, we handled them ok, I think. I'm sure I'll hear about them tonight (as they are all my fault, right?!)

Anyway, more DB counseling tonight. As long as D9 isn't sick today (ear infection over the past few days) W should be there too.

I expect to come out with more black eyes! Or, maybe not - she has surprised me with positive steps recently too. Just another reason to go in with that "as-if" attitude. That seems to help set the tone...

[1853dave]

W ended up not going to counseling on Monday. She calls me last minute to tell me... I guess the issue over the weekend was more of an issue to her than I thought.

It all revolved around the fact that she found out I owned a key (still) to the condo. She thought I shouldn't have one because I am not currently living there... I kept one for emergency use only - I'm still an owner, so I feel some responsibility still, and my kids still live there, etc. Well, coincidentally on Sunday, 4 hours after she learns of this, she "loses" her keys. I have to let her into the condo, and she demands that I hand her my keys. I refuse, telling her I'll go make another set - which I did. On the way home, I stop by the park where she thought she lost them, and miraculously, I find them(!) - boy was I surprised. So, I went home and gave her the new and the old set. Not much was said then...

Monday was counseling - the one she skipped. I went anyway, and the C told me I should probably give her the keys just to keep the peace. Tuesday I put them in an envelope with a letter telling her I was sorry she felt this way, and that it wasn't all that important to me - and if it was improtant to her, then she can have them.

Wed I stop by to get the girls for the afternoon, and there's a brand new doorknob on the door. I don't mention anything. We interacted ok, and friendly... Later, as I was out to dinner with the kids, my atty calls me and says that her atty called him and W told her that she still wants to move forward with the D! And I thought things were going so well... Apparently the key thing really pissed her off. And, honestly, I had one for emergency use only (which we used Sunday to let her back in because she really DID lose her keys) but I never used it while I was out of the condo.

Apparently I breached some sort of trust with her.

So, I go back to drop off the kids last night, we conv for a few, and she doesn't say anything about the D or the atty, so I then tell her I was called by my atty, and we talk a bit, and she says she made up her mind, and the key issue was the last straw (what was the first?!?) and she's forging ahead. I tell her she must be kidding - we were recently talking about moving back in together, about finances, etc, because she has no income other than me, and she's in school now, and there are daycare issues, scheduling, etc., and there flat out is no money for her to maintain a household on.

The conv gets tense (no yelling, but uncomfortable) and in the end she's basically demanding that I leave, she doesn't want to talk about it, should she get the neighbor to help her get me to leave, etc... So, I go. As I do I remind her that I could probably get some legal access to the condo as it is my property too, and she retaliates with threat of another restraining order... So, I just leave.

About 5 mins later, I try to call her to cool her off. Phone was busy for 10 minutes. I finally got thru, and she had been talking to her L... I asked if I was going to be served a restraining order in the morning, and she asked me if I was going to have her arrested for fraudulent use of my credit card. I told her of course not, it wouldn't help the situation, and I would never do that to her... She said there's no restraining order. We talk a bit, calm and collected, and I told her that I am hurt, and she needs to know that, and that I'm scared, and I know she doesn't care about me, but I care for her welfare, and the kids'... She says "well, we've been together for 10 years..." and I said I know you keep bringing up the past, but things are different now, and she says, "No, what I'm saying is that we've been together 10 years, and of course I still have some feelings for you..." I'm thinking 'what does that mean?!?'... So we talk a bit, and I tall her that this is happening too fast, that we shouldn't make any sudden decisions, and that I've clearly seen changes in how we interact - even now, after the incident 15 mins earlier, we are speaking nicely to each other. I suggested that we give it a week, maybe cool off a bit, and maybe if she wants we can go to counseling together again before any further action is taken. She says she'd think about it.

At least she changed her tone from earlier... I need to handle this real gently if I am going to get back on track with her.

This was a major backslide that I didn't really see coming. I knew the weekend was a backslide, but I thought it was resolved with little damage.

Spoke with DB counselor this AM, she says that she's sees ambivilence in her remarks... She also reminded me that W has turned around a few times before.

I dunno - maybe now it's over for good. I'm still not ready to give up. I get mixed messages from her, and I can't help but think she's still uncertain herself. I know for a fact that if the D goes through, she's going to be in a world of huge financial hurt. We're talking one step from homeless.... She'd likely have to quit school and work. Even then, life won't be rosy.

People, please think good thought for us now, pray, do a moon dance, do whatever you do....I need your help.

My family is at stake...

[C-Bart]

Sory to hear about the back slide. You sound like you are holding up well. I will pray for God to continue to give you strength.

[1853dave]

Thanks C-Bart.

I think that really did it. That and she said I was pressuring. I know I was, but there are some dire financial issues to address (with deadlines) and she keeps putting them off.

I spoke with her shortly this morning. She says she's final and is going on with the D. Even the fact that I was asking her she said was more pressure. So, now I can't even discuss anything with her. That's what I've been up against.

Here's a woman with no income, going to nursing school ( = very busy) - has money problems, scheduling problems, etc - and she picks NOW to call it quits.

I just don't get it.

I think now is the time for the LRT. I just need to let it go. I know the attys will start calling me, pushing me towards it. I hate them all, they are good only at ripping families apart. Once that starts up again, there may be no stopping it.

Obviously my W is thinking emotionally, and not reasonably. Any 3rd grader can do the math and see that she's going to be out of money in no time at all. She has no job, and no income other than mine.

I can't control what she does. That's a given.

I think it's time to just let her be. I hate what she's doing to the family, especially the kids. She is so selfish right now she can't see past her nose.

[1853dave]

I stopped by the kids' dance studio to pick them up for dinner yesterday... W was still there talking to her mom friends. As expected, they glanced up at me and then carried on with their avoidance. I said "Hi" but got no response. Typical. D4 got up and asked me to sit with her and mommy, so I did. W actually looked up and said Hi to me, but that was it.

Just like with my first divorce a long time ago, the family friends choose sides and they all alienated me. They treated me last night like I had just got out of prison. Funny, though, their kids are all nice to me!

As we were leaving the studio, I saw W still standing there gabbing with her friend - the one who helped her hide credit cards from me this past year - and I can only imagine the venom spewing from her mouth.

After the kids and I had spent time together, I brought the kids home. W must have been watching out for me because she met us outside as I pulled up. I'm certain that was her tactic to prevent me from entering the home. I told her "Don't worry, I wasn't going to go inside anyway..." She didn't say anything.

I guess we're back to the "her verses me" routine. The stupid attys are both chomping at the bit to wrap this up. As soon as they get things rolling, I'm afraid there's no stopping it.

This ENTIRE thing is stupid and unnecessary. But, we are all going to pay the price.

I feel so sad for my children. I've tried so hard for them to keep the family together. They have absolutely no say in this. They want us to stay together - they have told me so. I'm so sad for what we are all losing, and I feel like I have failed them.

All I can hope for is that when W gets hit with the reality of the divorce - having to sell the condo, having to work a job, maybe having to quit school, a multitude of scheduling and daycare problems, her car is about to break down, having to rent some crappy place because she can't afford something better... Maybe that will be her 2x4 to the side of her head.

I hope it's sooner than later, but I am certain that she will wake up one morning and think to herself "What in the he** was I thinking?!?"

You'd think her friends, who are supposed to be supportive of her, would point this out and maybe tell her to have a second look at things before she plunges the family into poverty for her own selfish reasons.

I just don't get it.

[1853dave]

Well, I went to see my DB counselor today - for support and for a little analyzation of what went wrong.

We rehashed a few events, and she still believes that W is ambivalent - like another person said, she's probably not even sure herself of what she wants.

So, the plan is to lay low, not go dark, but back off... Continue with being friendly, but offer nothing more, stay out of the way, don't give her anything negative to grow on (since I mention that she seems to be looking for the negatives in a sea pf positives). I'll let some time go by, and then maybe next week carefully approach...such as with the occasional phone calls just to check up and say 'hi', which were appreciated in the past. I'll have to carefully weigh that. Basically, some non-pressuring contact. No lingering, but keep an eye out for signs of softening. I told her I'd treat it like I was starting over, and the counselor agreed. That might be the safest approach.

She also agreed that the telephone outreach might be the better approach - rather than face to face. She is likely to be more comfortable over the phone, rather than in person.

As of right now, I plan to keep the contacts short and cool this weekend. Nothing more.

Geez, what a life.