Divorce looming #14

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

CityGirl - Great dog story! I think we can all see ourselves at some point as one of the people or the dog itself!

Kev- frankly, I want to shake you...all these people are giving you great advice and instead, you keep doing and thinking the same old same old.

You've got a start, with the goals, but whoever said that you need to break them down more is 100% right. Also, don't continue to put yourself on the back burner, make your fitness goal one of the active goals for now! Not only will it help you get more get up and go, but it will help with the stress and get you looking and feeling more confident.

Someone also mentioned that if your wife died, eventually you would move on. Well, how bout thinking if YOU died...what do you want to do before your life ends? You don't want to be like my grandparents, who both lived to their 90's (and beyond, grandma is 93!) who regretted not travelling more when they were physically able to 30 years ago. They were always so worried about money that they did't get out and see things. Now, my grandma has nothing BUT time, to think about what she has missed out on because she didn't take that chance.

When I wrote my "Master To Do List" before I die, I thought it would be kind of cool to do a marathon. Then I thought, why not now - you never know when you're going to die usually, and better sooner than later. Now, I was about 75+ lbs above my target weight at this time, and a non-athlete. But I got this goal in my head after I saw my wretched drivers license renewal picture of me at this weight and began to use my treadmill more and more. Once I could run for 4 miles, I decided I could actually think about a marathon, 26.2 miles, if I had professional training to help me get there. Oprah did it, why can't I?

So I joined the Team In Training program for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, whose goal is to train almost anyone to run or walk a marathon (also have bike races and triatholons).
You fundraise for the LLS, they train you during group runs once a week and set up a great training schedule for you to do during the week on your own. They also give you advice about everything from shoes to which stretches work, and insider things from applying loads of Body Glide to combat friction, to "Ice Baths" when you hit above 14 miles during your weekly long run. It opened up a whole new world for me. That sounds super corny, but it did, and I officially became, for the first time in my life, an athlete!

There were some people that were very skeptical, one openly so, a coworker of mine. Little did I know, but he became one of my best cheerleaders as time went on and he saw me working so hard at this goal. I found that not only writing this goal down, but asking all my coworkers, friends and family for donations to the LLS and making a large donation myself, all helped me put so much skin in the game, that there was no way I could blow it off or slack off the training.

And you know what, I raised all the money needed (several thousand) and then some, and I did cross the finish line by the skin of my teeth, but I did do it. The whole process of training, then completing the marathon was incredibly life changing for me. The TNT coaches kept making me achieve small goals every week: I would run farther than I ever had before in my life and set a new "personal best". It made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to, and was something I think everyone needs to feel at least once in your life!

Since then, I've done a few half marathons as well as another whole marathon, shaving more than an hour off my initial time, since I have since continued to lose more weight and had more time training. No one can ever take away the satisfaction I felt reaching that goal, and getting my fat butt moving every day because I knew I was running for people too sick to even get out of bed cause they were battling Leukemias or Lymphomas.

It's pretty damn hard to feel self pity for yourself when you see all the people in a marathon pushing beyond what they ever would have dreamed possible. They are bleeding, limping, crying, but damnit, they will finish this race no matter what happens! You need something that important outside your wife and kids right now. Something that critical if you don't do it, you will be forever haunted by the "what if's".

There was a woman in a walker who finished before me and humbled me even more than those long miles did. If she can do it and work through the pain, all of us can.

You don't have to run a marathon to get this feeling, but you need to figure out what it is that you are totally passionate about and throw yourself into it 100%. Make an outrageous goal like I did -whether it is learning how to ride a horse, backpack in the Andes, mine for gold, skydive or rappel down a mountain, who knows?, but guess what, I did it for myself and feel great about it and so can you.

[25yearsmlc]

IWSOM,

Just curious about the signature & story line of your sitch. Were you married for 7 or 12 years, or together 1.5 years? Just helps me know how to read these things better.

Thanks, congrats on the marathon. Sometimes working these M's out IS like a marathon but usually, there's a prize at the end AND the "getting there" (working on ourselves and GAL, etc.) does not always suck either.
Not at all...

Most people don't have the patience to do a marathon or train for one, and similarly, most do not have that patience for fixing themselves. Or they give up quickly for not getting immediate results FROM their WAS...so they give up on the marathon b/c they made it ALL about winning the race instead of simply getting in great physcial shape and pushing themselves to reach their potential. KWIM?


Again, congrats (and help me out with the signature stuff please!!)
(( j ))

[volleydog]

25 just iwsom doesn't get back here it's married seven months, together 1.5 years, iirc.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W is now asking me if I can help her out with transportation today while she gets her van fixed. I know I should say no. But it is my job to take care of her regardless of circumstances.

No, it's not. Even when you're married to a faithful spouse, that smacks of co-dependency, but when they are wayward and cheating, it's ABSOLUTELY no longer your job.

Puppy

[GFI2]

Kev this is better - And I see that you have already got some great input on this post

But as CG says above you need to break these things down into smaller goals and then you can get busy on sorting out the things YOU can do to achieve them - how you've posted them screams that you're still passive in this...

Goal 1: To have found a happy fulfilling life

Yes - but what does this look like? -your statement recognises that it isn't at the moment (your life isn't happy or fulfilling that is) so what are YOU going to do? Like I said - what floats your boat? Apart from the obvious of course...

In terms of things that you can determine - what floats your boat? Running? Chess? Inventing? Painting? Biking? Community service? Kev - what were you good at at school? What have you always wanted to do? Parachute? Sky-dive? Dive? Travel? Kev - my advice here (and I resist giving this under most circumstances!) is to pick out an ambition -say for 6 months hence and prepare and go for it...but for def pick out something you're pretty confident you can achieve but is just outside of your comfort zone...for me I took on sprint triathlons - I had never done one but I had a fairly good idea I might well be able to complete a few - I trained and I did complete them...I also took on some responsibility for tasks with local community groups...again - had never done that but sorted it and completed the jobs...my self esteem benefited an awful lot from both of these...

Goal 2: To be the best father I can be towards my kids

And again - break this down - what does this mean in practice? To do what? I'll leave this up to you to define...

Goal 3: To have my career on track

Well, on this...you have a job...you're keeping your head above water - you have lots of stuff going on right now...I'll refer back to me on this one...there was a time when I was super ambitious...but as I came to sort out the same two goals that you have stated above - have a happy/fulfilling life and be the best Dad I can -for me the career ambitions have sorted themselves out...my ambition has become redefined somewhat - to have a job which enables me to meet those goals above - but it has taken me a long time for me to re-direct myself away from a definition of self that is shaped by my "career" - now I make it "work" for me instead of always looking to it as the obstacle to self development - you might want to ponder that...

Goal 4: To be in good physical shape - well - again - what are you doing about this? Keeping your dexterity in shape by playing poker?

On the tyre thing - I agree with CG - no probs with you "helping" there - after all its your kids she's carrying around in the car - its how you do these things that counts...but I also agree on Puppy on this - IMO if there was an immediate problem then I think OK but on the longer term fixing of the problem then no...

Kev - no-one is saying that the walk you're walking isn't hard - many / all of us have tackled the same challenges - that's what makes the input you're getting "gold-dust"

But to make headway you do need to start making in-roads into some of the many great suggestions offered up to you...

And when something nice turns up like a meal out with your W and kids you need to be able to say "that was great, thanks" and leave it at that; and then redirect your mind back to you and your own momentum...Kev - you need momentum...and it needs to be self-generated, to come from within and not be dependent on external things (ie your W!)

Kevin - who is Kevin...give us a thumbnail snapshot of Kevin...without using any external references...

Challenge:-

I, Kevin am a guy who...




Best - GFI

[GFI2]

Kev - to help you with the tyre conundrum:-

If a good friend came to you to say that he/she had a problem with his/her tyre...it was deflated cos there was a slow puncture - and he/she didn't have a clue as to what to do...what would you do?

Would you:-

A. Do nothing?

B. Offer to blow the tyre up cos you have the means and know-how that he/she lacks?

C. Blow the tyre up and then pay for a replacement tyre?

Best - GFI

[25yearsmlc]

(G--I'm completely confused by the post about the tyre/tire conundrum/response)

But, Kev, do G's ideas about the exercise where you finish the sentences about yourself as you would like to be. With adjectives, not goals in the descriptions.

"I, Kevin, am _________. "Maybe it'll be "artistic", or "good with computers" or "I Kevin, enjoy _______ " and other than poker, which is FINE, add three more. Even if you have not done them in years...

You need to see that you have NOT always been miserable. Nor will you always be. Unless you choose to be. (Do yourself a favor & Look for faithfulH's thread around here too, if you can. He's in your area at the moment.)

j-

[K4D]

As far as the A B C question, it could end up being a combination of both B & C. I would certainly fill up the tire. And if they couldn't afford a tire and I had the money, I would pay for it. If they did have the money, I would just fill it up.

As far as I, Kevin am... I really need to think on this. I am hoping the counseling will help me figure this one out. That is a tough question to answer. I wasn't very focused in school. I dropped out in high school. Then I got my GED and went to college. Then I chose to quit and be with W and we both worked from there to build our life. I was ambitious at the beginning of my career with insight from her showing me why I should be. But then as the years went on and I did better, I got complacant. I felt like we were doing fine financially and I was satified money wise between what we were both bringing in. I can't say that I really excelled at anything in school. I don't feel like I am as smart or as quick as other people on things. I have never really ever been able to organize well or take notes at all and also follow along with what is going on. I really need help in organizing and taking notes. That could be a good class to take.

Let me think on who Kevin is.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment.

Today W and D11 were on their way to pick up D7 and had a tire shredded on the interstate. W calls me to tell me about it. I said do I need to head up there, obviously concerned. She said no she is handling it and she took care of it. Then later on she sends me a text telling me they are ok and back on the road. Ok, I'm glad they are safe and everything is ok. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she called me if she didn't need any help. Then later she tells me she called to just let me know incase they were running behind. Ok.

Tonite I go over to W's house for dinner and to get the kids for the week. We made seafood and talked all evening and joked and helped each other get the kids ready and make dinner and clean up. I'm thinking what a great evening it was. And it really was. Well, of course, W tells me she has a "friend" coming back from Santa Fe that is taking her out for her birthday dinner and she is booked all week. Right away I know who this friend is. Its original OM. She slept with him for his birthday and I'm pretty sure he is returning the favor. She always says a friend when it is him and he is the one that travels for business. I don't say anything though.

As I pack up the car and get the kids in, W hugs each of them and tells them she loves them and goodbye. I close D7's door and turn around to tell W goodbye and she has already started walking off. I was like, dang. I was fooling myself thinking we had a great night. I told her good night and thanks for dinner she said good night and went in and closed the door.

Ya, the usual, I thought about it the whole way back home. The girls were arguing tonite and W tells me she is glad to send them to me for the week. Apparently they argued all week. They have been doing this for a while now. I am trying to figure out how to control it. But I couldn't believe W said that. I love having my kids. I know it was only out of frusturation. But still. I would never say that. And she said it in front of them. I know she loves them and cares about them. But she sure is different now. She just seemed more than happy to be rid of them for a week.

Yes, I know yall are going to come back at me with the coparent thing. And thats what it is for her and nothing more. I recognize that.

So who is Kevin? Maybe I will be able to answer that tomorrow after counseling. I will give it some good thought tomorrow as it is late tonite.

Kevin

[K4D]

BTW, you all are really good. You all have left me with so much to think about its kind of hard to answer it all right now.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

well maybe now you have some clarity. You are a coparent. Period.

And You DID have a nice evening. The only thing that "Ruined" it for YOU is that you had expectations of more, and that is what we've ALL said NOT to do....that's on you. Your expectations were NOT realistic at all, as you grasped at straws making mountains out of molehills and think every scrap of decent conversation is one step away from reconciling...so you practically force her to be mean so she can feel safe around you and not worry that you are AGAIN reading into stuff...you created the misery yourself. You could say instead, "we had a nice evening" and leave it at that, happy that you had a nice time....(And said NOTHING about OM, OR "And she is dating OM again:. Either way - they are SEPARATE EVENTS) a nice evening....and oh, btw, she is seeing OM. What's new about this? What's surprising you?

She is seeing OM and is NOT seeing you as anything other than the coparent. How many times will she need to demonstrate this before you believe her?

Also, She ought to be able to say when the kids have tried her patience, and who better than you, to say it to? It means nothing about her parenting. Maybe other things do, but not that comment especially since they have been fighting all week long. Let her "bond" with you about the girls and commiserate for God's sake. Don't argue or compete with her about that. Geez.

So, okay. you are both parents of some girls. Okay now do your best as a dad. Do your best as whatever you are at work, ( and grow as a man. Leave the results up to God.

A HUGE part of growing as a man requires counselling so we are all rooting for you to tell it like it is to the C and get started building yourself into the man you want to become. Good luck,
J-