and it gets worse, I text friend saying about H wanting to meet up and being frustrated and feeling like it was an excuse...but accidentally sent it to H by mistake! no no no.......i can't believe I did that. I tried to cancel it but didn't know if it went or not...
He sent back, 'why dont you ask your friend why H can't be assed to meet you next week? bc H is annoyed you are asking other ppl about things that only concern us.'
and then wouldnt answer my call.
Now what?!?! I can't believe I just did that, I am horrified.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Oh my that really is a shame. That is one of those mistakes you just have to blow off and maybe even have a good laugh about. I would tell him that you could see why he is annoyed but tell him that you need some sort of support system in order to remain strong. I wouldn't appear too apologetic either but at least you can validate his annoyance. Try not to be too hard on yourself because your H put this stress and suffering on you and you just can't expect to do everything right under such circumstances. I think this is a chance for you to be strong. I would act like the mistake never happened.
Drew --- me-36 WAW-32 separation - 5/22/09 WAW twin sister-32 (lives with WAW) SIL H death - 11/02/08 ILYBIANILWYAM - 5/07/09 bomb - 5/07/09
Thanks drew for the input. Don't think I can laugh about it just yet tho. I think I am probably too hard on myself. That is probably the first time he has gotten that angry with me since he left, eventho it was only in a text.
I ended up saying back sorry I was just venting as I'm sure he'd understand that I have to have someone to talk as does he.
He just got done telling me last week that he speaks to OW about us and how things went, not that I even wanted to know! So how can he be on some high horse about not talking to other people about things that only concern us!
He then said It doesnt matter, I thought you wanted to meet and sort out the money stuff, I dont want to feel like someone is advising you on things they know nothing about. dont want to talk now(why he didnt answer the call) Forget it. it was a mistake. Whatever. let me know if you are free in the week.
And then another text saying Ok. I know sorry. Meet in week if you want. night.
Thought about sending something back, but will just leave it now. I couldn't make it any worse than that. I feel like he has all the power back now. I don't know why. I was already having a shakey day hence my frequent posts so this drama was just the last straw.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Hmm I wonder if he has any depression issues? I sounds kind of similar to my sitch except as far as I know there isn't OM. My wife is dysthymic and we had a terrible family tragedy a few months ago. Now she is being the typical WAW and doing what most dysthymic people do when they are frazzled and at the end of their rope. Hurt the one they love the most that is not immediate family. I know that I have my problems and there were some things I could have addressed 2 or 3 months ago when we seemed to suddenly be growing apart. This is our first year of M (anniv is 6/20) and it seems like this tragedy brought our honeymoon stage to some other relationship stage faster than it should have. Anyway, hopefully her fog lifts while I am things for myself. It does sound promising that you guys have contact. My wife and I haven't said much in the last 10 days... 10 days isn't a long time though.
Yikes! I can imagine how you freaked! I've done that with emails at work, and sent it to the wrong person... it's like H was on your mind and you accidentally clicked on his name for the text. Completely understandable and hopefully H sees that as well.
You're right though - you need someone to vent to, just as he admitted he's confiding in OW and he doesn't have any justification for trying to control who you talk to, IMHO. I bet you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.
I have to agree. I've asked my husband to not discuss me with OW and I don't think he's kept that agreement. At the same time, he threw a fit on Tuesday when suddenly my entire family "unfriended" him and his family on FB. It's all so jr high to me but apparently he was hurt. He said "12 years and they just cut me out of their lives!". I would've laughed if I wasn't so shocked he even noticed. He accused me of "dragging your family into the middle of it" but I pointed out to him that HIS family was not only in the middle of it, they were playing it all out publicly on FB. Sometimes it seems that they can't see their own actions as mirroring ours, they just want to fuss at us for anything they can.
I had posted on your previous thread this morning but with this new system it went AWOL somewhere.
Don't worry too much about the text message. I know we walk around on tiptoe not wanting to make them angry, not wanting to upset this delicate balance. So he gets angry...he will recover. I would just let it rest now. I have stopped texting certain things over my fear that I will mistakenly text H something about him! It is a very Bridget Jones like moment you are going through and I am shaking my head because I have feared doing this very thing so often. But I think in time you wil laugh at it.
In my earlier post I was saying that it is very tempting to want to call OW and give her a few choice words but at the end of the day what does it achieve? For sure you will feel better but at what cost? I think calling and entering into a discussion with a woman who is involved with your H lets them know that they are in your head and I would never give them that satisfaction. I would never verify to her that she is in my mind to that extent and causing me unrest. No way!! I think that OM/OW secretly feel smug and have a sense of one upmanship as in I got something that is yours and you must feel so gutted. I think calling her will increase this sense of satisfaction. Don't let them think that they have you licked (even if in your worst moments you feel this way). This is just my two cents and not a mandate as to how you should act.
I think from reading your posts that you are above calling her. In any event the persons who must set the boundaries are our H/W. Yes, I hate the behaviour of OW/OM but they never promised us anything and there will always be temptation around for both Hs and Ws. Our spouses are the ones who have to be able to say no and they are the ones we should duke it out with or walk away from when they do not. This woman USED to be your friend. She is no friend now and I would not waste my time talking to her.
Having said all of this, I have seen a post in Success Stories where a W called OW and it did help to result in her H coming back home , so it can work. You are the best judge of your sitch.
I have to agree with Kara-I called the OW (twice!) and it was splashed all over her FB and my sil and the OW made fun of me publicly for my children to read. It was pretty brutal and I wish I'd never done it. It didn't do anything but upset even more people and the situation disintegrated even further. If you can possibly resist, please don't call.
I am feeling a little better today, except really tired as I didn't sleep that well last night. But planning on catching up tonight. Not quite laughing yet...but not feeling horrified about it, letting it go now.
I decided not to meet H today, was so tired and didn't want to handle the drama, I didn't want to make myself feel worse and said I'd let him know about tomorrow(as still wasn't sure if I even wanted to go). But late tonight he cancelled anyway. I felt a little bit good that I didn't go see him just bc he wanted me to and that I did what I thought would benefit me the most, ie not going.
Thanks you guys for all the input, it really does help me think things thru and see what other experiences have been. I feel I can then make choices easier.
Thanks for taking the time to re-posting to me Kara it was helpful to read your thoughts...
For sure you will feel better but at what cost? This really stuck out to me...I was thinking I'd feel better for getting it off my chest and standing up for myself, but at what cost would that be? That is a good question. I will keep thinking on that.
I think that OM/OW secretly feel smug and have a sense of one upmanship as in I got something that is yours
I can see where this could be true, and maybe it is, but in my case I know this woman and I think her reaction would be different, I think she would be pretty horrified I'd contacted her and dare I say even feel some shame at her own behavior. But then I can't predict her reaction. But I am sure that H would try to 'run to her rescue' and I'm sure she would love that.
But I do agree with this... don't let them think that they have you licked
Holly, go figure about your H's reaction to the whole unfriending thing on FB, I can't believe the comment he said about "12 years and they just cut me out of their lives!" It almost does make me laugh! I mean(certainly in my case anyway) what does he think walking a way from our M is, I could say the same thing back...After all these years YOU can just cut me out of your life!! The nerve! Its like they dont even think before they speak sometimes or see how everything thing relates back.
And your right mnt, he doesn't have any right to even suggest control over who I talk to about things. I think he was initially really angry but then was like 'whatever' (eventho I didn't really believe that part of the attitude, I think he was just trying to change his reaction and act like he was not bothered...but I know mind reading!) and then finally was like ok sorry.
I think he is worried about who I talk to and what I say, especially to people we both know eventho he tries to blow it off like I'm worried what people will think about me. He mentioned some lame comment a week or so ago about how 'he's the kind of person that likes to work all his stuff out in private and tell people when he is sure that what he wants and what he has is what he wants,' it all got a bit confusing but I just thought do you even know what your saying! It almost read like, I want to make sure this is what I want before people find out this is what I DID, ie, don't tell on me. I obviously did not even waste my time saying anything back to that.
Anyway just venting and journaling a bit tonight. Not taking any actions today. Think I've done enough for one week already! lol. need a break.
I have been thinking tonight, realized some things and I think I need to...
1. Stop letting H make choices for me, or stop feeling like he is making them for me, I need to make them for me before he does. I guess feeling more in control and taking more control for me sums it up.
2.Stop reading into his words, its a waste of time and I probably won't figure it out anyway (this one is hard for me)
3. Stop acting out of fear. (this one is super hard for me)
In all honesty I know I should be doing these anyway but when I am strong I start out good then let it slip when I don't feel so strong. I know these will be hard for me to fully realize in my actions, but I have started the work on them, and just being able to identify them I feel helps me to make some steps. So a few things to take forward.
Gosh what a thoughtful, reflective mode I am in tonight. I think I will give it a rest and get some rest!!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Well, sounds like you are in a better place tonight.
I am in a crap mood. Dealing with a WAS is sometimes like dealing with a small child.....it takes so much patience!!They can be selfish just like small children. Me want and me get now......forget about you.Me no want to play with you any more....gonna take my toys and move to another room. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!!
You say "But the rules of the Marriage Game say you can't quit just like that". They say, " Why? I just never liked you, so there (sticking tongue out)! I'm making my own rules from now if I want to."
Isn't this how they behave?
Sheesh! I gotta go read something uplifting to get myself out of this funk.
