Hey Mnt, sorry to hear things are about the same w your dad. I understand its difficult to keep things straight with all the emotions, it will have a big effect, but you will get thru this. Take some deep breaths, go for that run, get some music on and do the best you can today. one day at a time.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
No change with my dad. Feeling emotionally drained and am so tired. I also u/s my H is looking hard for mountain jobs/apartments. He seems very set on moving away which means filing for the D is forthcoming. Logically I get that I'm only backsliding b/c of everything going on right now, but this is emotionally VERY difficult.
Hey, wait mnt_dreams...IF he moves away...that does not automatically mean that filing for the divorce is forthcoming! It's best for us to deal with things that ARE...as opposed to dealing with things that AREN'T! I hope your dad gets better. Total hips are rough on old people. And general anesthesia has its own risks. Post-op complications are not uncommon with total hips and the elderly. Get plenty of sleep...I know it's easier said than done...but it is important for you. And stay active...it'll make you feel better and sleep better. Remember...exercise the control that you do have, and that is over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. We shouldn't waste our time/energy trying to control something that we have no control over, and that is our spouse's thoughts, feelings, and actions. Backsliding is not uncommon, and it's not the end of the world if you do...just resolve to not do it anymore...you'll be better off, and it'll allow you to become stronger. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Sending good vibes and prayers your way for you and your family. Hope you made it for a run, or did something for you while all of this is going on. Stay strong and be brave.
Dad is about the same although his eyes were open longer today. I read The Sneetches to him, by Dr. Seuss, and he seemed to enjoy it (breathing slowed and he seemed to be listening). I used it for Speech Club in HS and Dad always liked it.
I did go for the run this AM. Set my running shoes and stuff out last night so I wouldn't be able to ignore the reminder and it worked! I felt SO much better afterwards! I will try to stay on target with the exercise b/c it helps my PMA so much.
You guys are right abt H too... even if he moves it doesn't mean we'll get D'd. I need to stay focused on what IS; not what might be. Thanks for the support - much appreciated!!
Not much change with my dad... unresponsive to commands and sleeps most of the day. Waiting the results of more tests. I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. We've been singing him songs, and talking to him a lot. Today he just wanted to sleep, and snore!
My mom has turned this all over to God, and has said repeatedly that we just have to wait on the Lord and pray. I told her when she says those things I think about my H and that the same advice applies... Wait on God, and pray.
I can not fathom how my H, who left me 5 mths ago and hasn't filed for D yet and used to do so much for my parents and vice versa, could receive email updates and text messages and not show more empathy or concern. At my sister's suggestion, I sent a text yesterday that if he wanted to see dad we wanted him to feel welcome to do so, and if he didn't want to that was okay too. The email updates are going to all of the friends/family, so it's a group message but no response.
My attitude switches daily, or during the day. Sometimes I feel sorry for H - his depression and/or MLC must really be consuming him to not reach out. Other times I'm angry - how could he be so self centered and cruel? And sometimes I'm just feeling sorry for myself - what did I do to deserve this? I know that's not it and in many ways this isn't happening to me, it's happening to my dad and to my H. They have battles to fight and I'm an observer who cares.
I wonder if anyone has any thoughts about a WAS that doesn't reach out during a really, really tough time like this. Is it most likely the fog or depression or whatever that doesn't allow them to recognize the hurt they're causing or even feel connected? Or do they know it's hurtful but feel they have to see their plan of S or D through, despite the cost?
I assume the advice would be to remember I can only control myself, focus on my PMA and taking care of myself and the kids... All good thoughts but it's hard to stop the feelings about my H and wondering... I don't know how to turn it off. I have to stop looking at FB too. We aren't FB friends but I've been noting when he adds friends... mostly men and seem to be ski-industry buddies. All more indications he plans to move in the fall and put even more distance btw us. I told myself tonight I have to stop looking for info on H... it only makes me feel worse.
I know my responses are always short and don't have the great insight that others have on this site, but know that I and others on this site are thinking and praying for you and sending some positive vibes your way.
You have been through a very difficult journey over the past few months and will have a few more rough days ahead, but, know that you are strong wonderful person and if you take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time, you can make it through this very bumpy road that you are on right now.
I appreciate ALL of the insight, yours included Tundra! Thanks for the prayers and positive vibes... I appreciate them more than you know!
My dad seems to be turning towards voices and the doctor said Dad squeezed his hand one time, but didn't repeat. So we are hopeful he's starting to wake up! Time will tell and whatever happens, we just want him to be comfortable and have a good quality of life.
Yes, it's been a bumpy journey for sure... like a 4wd jeep trail. But I'm hanging on, closing my eyes when I need to, and confident I'll get over the mountain soon enough.
Tough...huh? I know. Dropping the rope is no pressure, no expectations, true giving, and letting go of your fears. You absolutely have to stop any desperate, demeaning behavior. It gives your power away, and deteriorates the relationship further. Give him forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture his sense of self-worth and individualism...it's the best thing you can do for your troubled relationship. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Dropping the rope is no pressure, no expectations, true giving, and letting go of your fears. You absolutely have to stop any desperate, demeaning behavior. It gives your power away, and deteriorates the relationship further. Give him forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture his sense of self-worth and individualism...it's the best thing you can do for your troubled relationship. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Great insight - thanks!
Dad tried to answer the nurses with a 'yes' and 'no' yesterday and I believe he tried to return my kiss goodbye! It's wonderful to see some progress and we just pray he continues to get better!
Still no response from H. I went to a rooftop patio bar with a guy friend last night, who tells it like it is. Even he said there must be something mentally wrong with H to not contact me or my family during this situation with my dad... Well, who knows, but I have no power/control over that. As you said, Antlers, just forgive him and give him the time/space he needs. I'm pretty sure I have forgiven him for leaving me, and even for the NC right now. I feel actually more empathetic towards H b/c his actions are so out of character.
Recapturing his self-worth and individualism... so true, and this could take a long time. But I'm in it for the long haul so he can take whatever time he needs...
Saw H today. Dropped off some mail at work and he was alone. He took the mail and turned right back to the PC. I said goodbye and then he asked how my dad was. Gave him a little update and then some small talk about work. In and out in about 3 mins. I stayed friendly and conversational, although internally I was initially miffed that he didn't even want to make small talk, but then he showed some heart by asking about my dad. I thought about it later, and maybe it's hard for him to look at me so that's why he looks away. Trying to keep his barriers up?
Well, I'm just moving on and taking care of me. Dad slept most of the dad away, so I checked on him 2x and then went to a movie with my D16 and her step-mom. We all get along well so it wasn't/isn't weird. Saw The Proposal and it was very cute! Lots of fun parts and not totally predictable. Going for a hike tmrw with my FIL and looking forward to getting some exercise. It's hard to leave Dad, but he is in good hands and we all have our own lives/responsibilities as well. So, it's a balancing act.
