Hike was good yesterday. Went for a beer downtown with FIL afterwards, and the waitress tells FIL that his son is pretty cute (met him last time they went out). Talk abt awkward! But I bit my tongue and didn't say anything to her. Upside - FIL knows I still care. Talked then abt if/when I'd start dating and I told him I'm not ready and don't plan to date for a long time. Told him abt how I wasn't supportive of H's job opportunity last Jan and things spiraled out of control after that. Told him I'd thought a lot abt how we could have made that work. He asked if I'd shared my ideas with H and I told him I tried in Mar (when I was still begging/pleading) but H wasn't open to hearing about it.
So, it was a good conversation. He's a good man and it was good to get some time away from Dad's sitch for a bit. I feel convinced that FIL believes H is 'done' and has moved on. But just like my other friends that think I should move on as well, I know it's not over til it's over and I have to follow my heart, pray for guidance and trust in God to take care of me.
At this time, I believe I am supposed to stand for my M. Just read a line from K4D that said "It is hard to stand and form your own life and let them live their's out of love". I think that's absolutely what I need to continue to do - form my own life, make it as great a life as I can, and let H live his life b/c I love him THAT much.
H left me 5 months ago today. I am feeling this sense this week that I really need to start moving forward. No more hopes that he'll contact me or at a bare minimum speak to his stepchildren he helped raise for the past 10 years.
I still hold out hope and pray daily that God will soften his heart and we can rebuild a friendship, and work on a new M someday but I have come to the realization this week that those days are so far off I need to stop holding my breath, take some deep ones and move ahead. First order of biz is redecorating the bedroom. I'm going to move the furniture around this wknd, and probably repaint. Other than the photos I took down early on, everything's the same and it's not healthy for me.
I want to set some ST goals with H but I don't even know where to begin. Contacting him didn't work, and not contacting him doesn't work either. He must be hurting a great deal to not reach out to me or my family abt my dad. Even his own father (my FIL) came by the hospital to see dad, but no messages or contact from H. That is what's convinced me this week that I really need to disconnect - emotionally. I love him, but I have to love him enough to let him go. If he comes back, we'll see what we can rebuild. Til then, it's just me and the kiddos. Five months of this S seems like a good point to reassess and make some changes.
Hi Mnt, I hear what your saying and feel the same pain. I'm at the same mark, as you know, with time. I sometimes feel like I dont know what has worked anymore bc I have over thought everything. My new motto I keep telling myself is 'moving forward'...not moving on completely but letting go and moving forward bc its the only way to go. Also like you said focusing on me or in your sitch you and the kids. I think setting some ST goals to do with H is a good idea too. I think I need to do the same but feel lost as to where to start too. I guess you start with the easiest thing. Think about what goal you would like eventually and break each one down into so many pieces that you end up with a little 'bit' of a goal that can be worked towards in the ST.
If what you want is to rebuild a friendship what is the smallest step towards that?
Trying to be helpful there, man I know this is tough! Hang in there, hope you and the kids are doing well.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
yeah, five months... seems like forever, doesn't it? But it can/will go on much longer. I think I am finally really getting that this isn't about saving the M. It's about me/you and becoming the very best person we can be. If our spouses notice the changes and come back around, we can see what's what at that time but I'm ready to stop holding my breathe and exhale. Start living... I read your last entry and we have so many similarities. My only contact with H has been related to bills. I have to fight the anger sometime b/c we didn't have these problems before he decided to leave.
I got a call from my H's boss that I can come back this fall to sell ski passes if I want. I've done this before and it'll just be one day a week. It will be a challenge at first to be at the shop with H, but I plan to handle it gracefully. If OW returns to the shop, she'd be there too so this could be interesting. But the money will be nice, and by working I get free season passes for the kids & I, so it's worth it to me.
I need to just suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself. And keep breathing...!
Wow, ski season already? (can you hook me up with some?) Make sure H knows so there are no surprises and that he knows you are doing it for the passes and the $$ and not for him. Maybe this will be a great way however to show him that you are GAL and moving on and this is just part of your routine and that you are fine w/out him.
I do know how hard it is.....I have been going on 5/6 months of this as well. I sometimes get too hopefull when I make some progress and then WHAM, two steps backwards. I really need to follow the "don't believe anything they say, and 1/2 of what they do" approach.
Do keep breathing, take care of yourself, enjoy the sun that will return today and tommorrow and put those running shoes by the door so you have to walk past them on your way out.
Hope things with your dad are ok, mine is 84 and just found out that he has prostate cancer in a pretty advanced stage.
Hang in there and take it one day at a time. This really is about "us" getting better for ourselves.
By the way, last year on our kids ski passes they all wore this funny rainbow big clown wig and it was great. We also keep all our passes from each year and have quite the collection. I somehow want to make a project, bulletin board, picture or something that shows how they change from year to year.
I know some people don't want to hear this...but THINK SNOW!!!
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! I'm right there with ya! I love the idea of wearing a funny wig for the pictures. I'll try that. My H had a bar top with all the passes underneath a sheet of glass along w/trail maps, etc. Maybe you could do something like that.
Great point about making sure he knows I'm doing for the passes, not to be near him. Excellent advice, and yes, I see it as an opportunity to show I'm doing just fine, thank you very much!
My dad is showing more improvement. This am he could put two words together, like 'get up' and 'help me' so that's encouraging. Sorry to hear abt your dad's cancer. I hope you can spend some time with him, and that they can treat it somehow.
I'm going for a bike ride today - it's too nice out. But snow will be coming soon enough! Pikes Peak was covered the other morning, and it definitely gets me in the mood.
Tundra, I don't think you've started your own thread yet, so if you're not ready, please feel free to post here what's going on with your W so we can support you too and return the favor!
One of my buddies is running up the Barr Trail in the Pikes Peak marathon soon...I hope there's less snow then than there was when I was there earlier this summer.
How are ya'?
I know this is hard stuff, for all of us here. But I believe that persistence and determination are omnipotent. We're gonna be OK, and we're gonna be happy again...it's just gonna take some time and some hard work. That's just the way it is now!
ps - I love Colorado. It's the only place I've been where people are driving around in $600 dollar junkers, with $3000 thousand dollar bicycles on the roof!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
That is an intense marathon... He must be in great shape, just as you are Antlers with those massive bike rides you've been taking! Very impressive!
I took my D16 to the park today to ride. The hardest part was getting the bikes on and off the roof rack. I guess I'm just not tall enough. Anyway, one of the bikes toppled off the side as soon as I drove away from the park and dangled off the side in front of a group having a picnic. I was so mad at myself!! But we enjoyed the ride, and I think I will consider a hitch rack instead of the roof system to avoid future catastrophes!
We went to my family's cabin yesterday. First time I've been there since H went to stay there after the bomb. It was weird at first to be there, like I was looking for signs of him around the house, but soon I relaxed and really enjoyed the woods and the warm weather. It was a perfect Colorado day!
Rollercoaster week. Dad had surgery again Wed night, and was better yesterday. He was talking more and showed his sense of humor. Today he was zonked out, and when he was awake he wasn't totally conscious. So, it's been tough.
Had a little cry last night and I'm better again today. Almost called H for some fabricated reason last night, and I'm so glad today that I didn't call. H is still gone and contacting him wouldn't help the sitch at all. On the other hand, how much worse could it really get?! Other than not filing, he doesn't contact me, doesn't indicate any feelings for me or the kids, and seems content with his new life (mind reading, I know!).
I have shared my attitude re: DB'g, giving H space/time to work through his stuff, etc. with my sisters and brother. All are supportive with the plan, praying for direction/patience/moving on with life. I prayed so hard last night for a sign.. for H to just contact me and give us a chance to work on the friendship... but I know that will come in His time, not mine.
But I want it now, darn it!!
Anniversary is Sunday. Not planning to contact H re: the date. His BD is shortly after, and I may send a card for that. Undecided so far.
If you do send a card, just make sure that it's not a romantic one...and don't mention the word 'love'. Send a generic card, and just sign it at the bottom.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm right there with ya! I love the idea of wearing a funny wig for the pictures. I'll try that. My H had a bar top with all the passes underneath a sheet of glass along w/trail maps, etc. Maybe you could do something like that.