Dad's recovery has been a roller coaster ride. Tonight his heart rate went way up and the ER team had to rush in to to treat him. I was by myself and called my sisters to come over. I kept it together well but it's very hard to watch your daddy in pain and distress. My siblings and I went over the living will wishes and it's really in God's hands now.
Got through the anniversary ok. It was a 180 for me to not acknowledge the day with H. I'm sure he expected me to contact him. Thinking I may do the same for his b-day. But if I send a card, I'll keep it neutral - good advice.
Got my hair highlighted/lowlighted this weekend and it was a nice pick-me-up. I also went to a micro beer festival. That was fun, but it has become clear my good buddy is interested in more. I let the compliments go to my head on Sat but didn't get carried away. But I realized quickly that I can't date yet because I just don't have the interest. My H is the only one I want. Maybe someday that will change but for now I need to stay focused on my family, dad, and protect my heart. My bud would be a rebound guy and he deserves better than that.
Hey Mnt! glad you are making it through these tough times, stay strong and lean on others when you need to.
The anniversary and bday are hard, but you will be ok. I think you are handling everything so well. did you decide about the card in the end?
Its nice you treated yourself to getting your hair done, those things make a difference I think, lift you up some. I'm not anywhere near ready to consider dating I dont think either. I have a couple male friends that want to meet up when I'm home visiting but I have no interest in anything more. The compliments can feel good but my heart is too sore still.
Ill be keeping you and your dad in my thoughts. Hang in there! *hugs*
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I'm doing pretty well I think. I didn't acknowledge the anniversary, which I see as a 180 in H's view. I'm sure he expected something. His BD is next Mon and I decided not to send a card and probably won't send a text either. I dropped off some mail today to him, and he was on the phone at work so it was just a wave hello and adios. I am feeling stronger these last couple weeks. I'm going to be just fine. More than fine. I'm going to thrive! With or without him.
I bought tickets for a Jackson Browne concert at Red Rocks in two weeks. So excited!! I've never been to RR, and love JB music.. so it's a perfect combo. Going with my male buddy. Yeah, not ready either... but the compliments are very nice. I decided I need to just have fun and stop overthinking everything. It's in God's hands and if he wants us back together, he'll make it happen.
I'm really proud of myself, if not modest, haha! I am obsessing so much less. I have this confidence lately that I am doing well and I'm going to be fine. I'm sure I'll have my setbacks, but I am confident that I can be alone and I can be a good partner for someone someday. Saw my C yesterday and she said she's never had a patient like me. (uh oh!) Haha - I think she means that I'm not falling apart, and I'm being patient with my H but not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I spent the day at a fundraiser for my S17's basketball buddy's family that was in a serious accident. It was a perfect Colorado day for a carwash and flag football game against the football team. I'm going to cry buckets when my kids leave for college (1 yr for my S, 2 for my D16). But I plan to make the most of these years, volunteer at school, and go to the games, etc. I wish my H would want to be with us, but he just can't.
H's b-day is Mon. I talked to my dtr about trying to take the high road, and send him a msg (I probably should too, but very neutral). I guess he did for her bday which I didn't know before. Told her that I firmly believe he's going thru some hard times right now (depression and/or mlc) and he's just not capable of reaching out to her right now. It's not that he's intentionally abandoned her; he just can't see beyond his own issues right now. I pray that someday he can mend these fences, but for now she seemed to accept my thoughts pretty well.
All for now - off for some fun with a friend tonight and enjoying my wknd. Didn't see Dad today but his bday is tmrw so I'll spend some time reading or watching football with him tmrw.
The Jackson Browne concert at Red Rocks ought to be good. I've heard the amptheater there is really cool. You sound like you're in a good place, mentally, today. I hope it continues for you. My budy completed the Pikes Peak marathon yesterday, and made it to the simmit in 4 hours and 15 minutes! He's a hoss! He's staying at Manitou Springs for the thing, and he loves it there. The kids and I were there in June...lots of places to hike. Anyway, I hope you continue to get stronger and better (you will), and continue to focus on your kids and your work...and always keep working on yourself. Good thoughts for your dad too! We're not gonna be lonely forever...good things will happen for us in our personal lives...just might take some time, and that's OK!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey! I think it should be a good show too. Looking forward to it. I would love to train for the marathon... maybe that'd be a good goal for next year.
Saw OW's FB picture tonight. It's a pix of her with my H and another girl. Suddenly I'm taken back to wondering what was wrong with me.. why he felt he had to leave me and what about a 21 yr old girl makes him happy. I need to re-read DR's section on depression and MLC b/c this guy seems nothing like my H. Praying for compassion tonight and patience. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, but like I said a day or two ago, if God wants us together he will make it happen. If not, then there's a better plan for me. And hard as it is to admit, maybe there's something better in store for my H as well. And I really do want him to be happy.
It frustrates me to string some good days together and then a stupid picture of them together sends me back into my insecurities and doubts. Note to self: stop hunting for his/OW's updates or status. The only purpose it serves is to bring me down and that is counter-productive.
I rearranged the bedroom tonight. I hadn't changed things since H left, so this new look is refreshing. New pillows and less clutter, so it's a peaceful retreat for the end of the day.
K - feeling better; it's good to process through these entries. Any advice or input on MLC's would be welcome but I know that I need to be patient with my S and myself. Focus on me/kids and give H the space he needs to figure things out. Six months is approaching, and apparently the OW is still in the picture. But none of that is within my control. Only myself and my actions.
Thanks! I have to have faith and trust in God, because he is trustworthy.
I agree with you about music... so comforting and powerful. I love loading my iPod with mixes for different moods. I have a GAL, girl power and jogging mix that really pump me up.
Stay off of Facebook...looking at that stuff only serves to bring you down, and it's counter-productive...as you've said. That's no different than driving by his/her place frequently to see what's going on, and who's car is where! It's demeaning to you, and it zaps your energy...so stop it. Time...it's the one thing...the only thing...that can really take away this kind of pain. And while that time passes, keep working on you and getting stronger and better...and keep praying and having faith; and DB and practice those strategies, and come here, and keep learning. Keep focusing on your kids and your work. Be the best mom, the best partner, and the best mnt_dreams that you can be...from now on! No matter what!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thx antlers... if that was a soft 2x4, I think I needed it! You're right - it is demeaning and does zap my energy, and good mood! I bounce back, but it does take time to rebound.
Good news today - OW won't be working at the shop this fall. So, I can work my hours for ski pass sales and just focus on the job (it's fun to talk about skiing pre-season with people), see some of my friends, and if H notices that I'm doing fine well that's an added benefit. But it's not my motive. Just think it will be easier without OW working there.
With my dad sick, my exercise has gone out the window. I really need to schedule my workouts or it's not going to happen. I have tennis tmrw with my kids, but my ST goal for the weekend is to schedule some activity. Maybe a hike or run Sat am to kick things off.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend at work today. I gather he left his wife for another woman, but he told me today that I should just sit back and wait. H will come around and realize he's making a big mistake and lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Just takes time.
In the meantime, I keep working on myself to be the best me I can be. Someone H would be an absolute fool to leave!
