WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

My wife of 8.5 years told me at the end of March that she was done,was not in love with me and did not want to try therapy. I found the DR book about 4 weeks after the bomb.
My question is,has anyone ever brought their WAS around by standing up for yourself and taking everythinf that is owed to you in the divorce settlement? We have two beautifull little girls. I was mister mom to the youngest(21 month old)for the first 6 months of her life. My wife made almost 4 times more money that I did in 2008 and she really does not want to pay me child support. I have finally come to the point that I dont care if my wife can afford it or not but that I have to do what is best for my kids.

[v1olin]

I am asking this because 2 weeks ago my wife and I had an interesting conversation on the phone that was sparked by divorce talk. She was complaining about getting a bill in the mail from her lawyer. She was trying to guilt me into just agreeing with her proposal saying that the kids will be hurt if she has to pay me child support. But then I told her that I was not going to change my mind and left the house. She called me 15 minutes later and we had a 40 minute convo. It had been 3 months without any real communication between us about us. For about 1.5 months I have been doing a good job of going dark, LRT, etc.

[v1olin]

By the end of the conversation she was telling me that I was coming out of my shell. She mentioned an interaction that I had with my daughter that night that reminded her how much I love my kids.

[The Wifey]

v1olin,

We need more details, more information about your sitch.

You can't just "bring the WA around" by any means. If you really want to stop a D, then you have to be willing to strap in for the long haul.

It won't stop the WA, but it may make her pause and realize that it isn't so cut and dry as she imagined it to be.

[v1olin]

Yes, she is seeing that this is not as cut and dry as she thought it was. I am not too good at typing or orginizing my thoughts on paper so I will write something more detailed later tonight. thank you

[ShockedOne]

I think to help sum up an answer, there is no one size fits all solution. read lots of posts and see what has and hasn't worked for others and you will need to toe the water with some of them to see reaction and adjust from there. Just my 2c worth.

[orangedog]

My question is,has anyone ever brought their WAS around by standing up for yourself and taking everythinf that is owed to you in the divorce settlement?

1. "...brought their WAS spouse around by standing up for yourself?" Absolutely. It's rule #1 of Dbing. Nobody will love you until you love yourself. Respect = attraction.

2. "by taking everything that is owed to you..." Umm...How far are you talking about going here? If you're taking what is justifiable then yes, that is your right, and WAS has to respect you for it. But if you're out for blood and hire a shark attorney to take 'em to the cleaners then you will likely lose respect.

she really does not want to pay me child support.

1. I don't know where you live but usually this is a non-negotiable State issue. Check with your attorney.

[v1olin]

Well, I am not evil and I do not want to hurt my kids but I am a great dad and I will be fighting for physical joint custody. That means she will have to pay child support. When this all started 3 months ago She tried to guilt me by saying it would hurt the kids. She would have less money for their clothes,school/daycare etc.
After reading the Divorce Remedy she is pretty much a zerox copy of the many WAW in the book.

[orangedog]

Have you talked with an attorney or mediator yet? If not, then do so. Schedule an hour of time and get your questions answered. Some may charge nothing for an initial consultation. Perhaps you will work it out and never have to talk with this person again but you need this important information. Take care of your business.

[v1olin]

Orange, Yes, I got an attorny the day after she served the papers to me(with her mother present)! At first she thought I would just go with the program and make it easy on her. She wanted to mediate but she wanted me to agree to an every other weekend plus one evernight visit type of child visitation schedule. She got the hint pretty quick that I would NOT agree to that.
She would get angry at me for even wanting the kids half time because she knew that she would have to pay CS. Now when it is mentioned she seems to accept it. We actually talked again two nights ago for 2.5 hours! I told her that I was going to see my lawyer the next day. I think I am at a point where I might be able to completely detach from her for my own good.

She is a defenite type "A" personality and I am the artist type. We both sucked at talking about issues while we were living together(like an idiot, I moved out at her request.) When she dropped the bomb on me it was a huge suprise. We never fought about things, I never was mean to her, she always took great care of me. We were best friends. Now she tells me that she spent too much of her life trying to make other people happy and that she lost herself. She was crying on the phone the other night about the conversations that we have on a friendly level. She said that it reminds her of when we were in college and highschool before we were dating. "That is comfort to me." are her exact words. It is soo sad to me that she could feel so close to me now than she has in the last 3 or 4 years:( It is also very sad that even though she feels that connection she feels that we can't work out or marriage.