You have a great typing style . You oughta write a book. Really, I'd read it!
As for the rest, keep being you but only say/do about 1/4 of what your impulses tell you to do. Get out the rubberbands to remind ya . Take care and continued good luck!
Thanks for dropping by. I've always aspired to write books for children. I have 2 that I have started...perhaps I'll try to complete one!
As for the doing 1/4 of what my impulses tell me...well, I've erased his phone numbers from my cell phone so that if I want to call him, I have to look up the numbers.
That should slow me down long enough to remind me why I erased them.
Well, the last time I spoke to him, he said that he'd try to take saturday off from work because he wanted to spend some time with me.
Well, I called his work and they said that he was off until monday. However, he didn't show up for our date, didn't call/email me. So, he got the time off, but chose to spend it other than with me.
I have to keep reminding myself that I SHOULDN'T be number one for him, only person that should put me first is me. And I shouldn't put him first, but rather should be putting me first.
I know...a lot of shoulds in that statement...but this is something I'm still struggling with. That it's necessary to put me first so that I can have good relationships with others without expecting that they'll put me first. It's not their job, it's mine.
Still, my feelings are hurt. He's saying one thing and doing something else.
So, if nothing else, it's my signal to back off again. To go back to not calling him...but letting him come to me in his own time.
Man that's sooooo hard for me to do. But, that's why it's a 180 for me.
And to complicate things, I'm noticing some side effects in my weaning off of zoloft.
For one thing, the 'trails' are back. When I wave my hand in front of my face, Instead of only seeing my hand move in a steady flowing motion, I see what looks like my hand moving in a strobe light.
Also, the other day, I didn't take my flax seed oil or my vitamin B's and I got that depressed/black cloud feeling again.
I asked a friend of mine who is also weaning off of zoloft if she had anything. And she did...something called "Positive Thoughts". It had some vitamins and some St. John's wort, which I know I'm not supposed to take with Zoloft. But I took it and I felt better. Still, I felt like a junkie begging for my fix.
So, with this going on, it's probably for the best that I go a bit dark. At least until my emotions stabilize again. I had moved from 100 mcg's of zoloft down to 75 about two weeks ago, but now the side effects are showing up. Bleh.
Well, that's probably more than ya'll wanted to hear about Zoloft. I guess I'm just journaling. But if you are still reading, thanks for being patient!
This past Saturday, my husband and I had a 3 hour date. Seems like 3 hours lasted soooo long.
I felt so satisfied afterwards. He took me out to a good restaurant. We had a bit of a serious relationship talk. He said he knew that he loves me, but still doesn't know whether he wants to take the risk of getting back together with me. He said half of him wants to take off somewhere, like Hawaii and become a beach bum. The other half wants to give our marriage another shot. He said he's afraid that whatever he ends up chosing will be a choice that he regrets.
So, he's stuck.
And he admitted that he's not made very much effort at moving to my town.
Well, I got sad. And I said, well, in that case, just go ahead and move ahead with the divorce. I don't want you in my life unless you WANT to be here.
He left the table for a second to go to the bathroom. That allowed me to refocus.
I put it aside and tried to get back into good PMA and friend mode.
He took me to a book store for the remainder of our date.
I told him that I wanted to show him the Michele books. All they had was 'Change your life'. So, we grabbed that and sat down to talk.
He really listened to me. He reached out to me several times to stroke my arm. He looked me in the eye a lot. And not once did he do the usual, I'm bored, why are you talking me to death, act.
I told him that I didn't think that he needed to make a decision. That if he would just committ to moving to my town, then, live with me for a bit, he'd be able to make a decision. He'd quickly see that our marriage is save-able. I told him the reason I thought we could do it is because these problems aren't unique to us. And I gave him many funny examples from Michele's book that applied to us. He and I were talking lightheartedly and laughing about our problems.
I did very well in not laying blame on either of us, but rather in showing him how our actions were actually a circle, when he does this, I do that...but when I do that, he does this.
He really understood. And I think he was really relieved to see that these are common issues.
We had a very intense, but light hearted talk.
He asked many questions.
And at the end of the conversation, he asked me to be patient with him for 6 more months. To allow him 6 more months to get a job and move to my town before giving up on our relationship.
I told him that I could do that.
I called him up 2 days after our date. I told him that I'd been floating for the past 2 days because I felt like he really heard me and understood me. He sounded so warm and happy and said that he was glad he'd made me feel that way.
And when he found out it was me on the phone, he went beyond his usual happy greeting to a really warm greeting.
AND he kissed me on the head.
Progress!!
Now, if only he could find his way to my lips! But it's probably good that he hasn't. It's been 7 months and I'm not sure I could control myself if he gave me a real kiss.
As for me, I'm up early this morning because I just finished doing 30 minutes of Yoga. I'm sore too...
I think you're getting it. And yeah, having something set helps a lot, especially when you're still trying to learn new behaviors and get thru the icky parts.
All in all you sound pretty good. Like you're starting to balance out a bit. Just remember, it takes time girl. You're ok.
Ever since my date with my husband, I've felt less need to call/email him. I think it's because I feel like I've argued my case and that it's out of my hands now.
Also, since he asked me for 6 months without my giving up on the relationship, I feel like I don't need to make a decision.
I do find myself thinking about him and what the future will be. But I catch myself when I do, and focus on something else.
I have to say that I'm a little sad that I'm detaching. It's like I've been keeping our relationship alive in my head. And now, I'm letting it go...and unfortunately, as I let it go, I'm realizing more and more that we really don't have a relationship.
Sure, he's happy to hear from me when I call. But, we talk for maybe 10 minutes when I do call. And that 10 minutes has been dwindling to only once a week.
He really doesn't know what my life is like anymore. And I certainly don't know anything about his.
It never fails...even when I find myself racking my brain, trying to figure out WHY I love this man...he calls and I just hear the sound of his voice and I start grinning and feeling all warm and fuzzy.
He doesn't even have to say anything specific...just hearing his voice full of warmth does it for me.
Well, perhaps I'm over analyzing. I can list things that I like about him. And I can list things that I don't like about him. But in the end, that list goes out the window, just when I hear his voice.
. Take care and continued good luck! 
